24M with CBPD. My undiagnosed BPD wife blew up our life, I survived two motorcycle accidents, and I am completely alone. I just need some support and kindness right now.
Hey everyone. I just needed to vent to a community that might actually get it because my life is a mess and I am entirely on my own. I recently found out I have CBPD. For me it means I am extremely logical but my foundation for social, intimate and friend relationships is emotionally messed up. To make it a million times worse I am dealing with the fallout of my marriage to my wife who has undiagnosed BPD.
Our whole story has been a nightmare. She came to me with no real world experience, depressed, with holes and stains in all her clothes. She supported us financially briefly early on, but only because I guided her to it as our absolute only option to survive. I drove her everywhere, taught her everything, made sure she had warm meals, and basically had to be her dad for the entire marriage. I managed her credit score, payments, nursing license and school. We even got a fancy car just to build our nonexistent credit. I physically bought her clothes and threw old ones away because she did not care how she looked. I took care of her so much she felt like a dependent, meaning we lacked a bedroom life for a while because I genuinely could not view her sexually.
Later I started working 12 hour float pool shifts as a CNA and PCT at local hospitals and grinding through nursing school prerequisites. I was still taking care of our dog and cat, dealing with my immigration status, the pressure of a new country, and racism. She was constantly on autopilot. She broke salad tongs pulling them apart, forced a locked door handle until it almost broke, and burned food by ignoring instructions. I had to chase her around to do things. I asked her nicely for months to handle responsibilities and she ignored it. When I finally took a stern approach and made her do it on the spot, she made me out to be the bad guy. She could never compromise on simple things like McDonald's versus Taco Bell, it was always her way or the highway.
Her financial irresponsibility ruined so much. She paid an eighty dollar phone subscription for her mom every month for a year and a half without noticing. She messed up her NCLEX timing by ignoring paperwork. She ignored student loans and ruined her credit score. Her job asked for marriage proof and she never checked, getting me kicked off insurance and leaving me with a thousand dollar medical bill.
Then came the cheating. Right when I was going through my first motorcycle accident, suffering spine fractures and dealing with the hardest moments of my life, I found out she cheated. She showed no remorse and claimed I pushed her to seek kindness elsewhere. She shifted the blame to me. I begged for empathy and snapped in absolute desperation. She recorded me at my lowest right after getting cheated on and used it against me. She criminalized me, accused me of wanting a green card, called the police, and threatened my future and existence.
She ended up at a California facility that was completely predatory. They fed her narrative and delusions instead of holding her accountable, manipulating the situation and doing massive damage. Even while she was there, I bought her a diamond to replace our promise ring and went crying to neighbors terrified she would hurt herself. She just gave me hate. She expected me to hurt our pets and myself when she left, falsely claiming I went to therapy just to talk badly about her. It feels horrible because the sweet amazing woman that I loved is just gone, and I do not know what is going on.
To top it all off, we got kicked out of our place because she refused to pay rent, spending her money on clothes, food, makeup, and other patients. There were charges for a hotel room she claimed was for a roommate, car cleaning despite having no car, and hundreds of dollars sent over Zelle, Venmo, and Cash App. I am in my own place now and she does not know where I live, but I might have to move again due to my house owner or roommate. On top of this relationship trauma, I am drowning in immigration struggles and the California fallout. Physically I am destroyed because right in the middle of this mess, I had my second motorcycle accident. While I am meant to keep everything good completely alone, she is abusing the system for a paid vacation in California.
I am 24 and have fought all my life. I worked since I can remember, moved to America with 150$ in my pocket, survived homelessness, and went through so much just to get here. I found a therapist and start next week, but right now I am so tired. I feel flawed, out of energy, out of hope, and completely drained. I want the struggle to end. My mental health has gone to really dark places. I am trying to keep it together but I am so hurt and alone. I need a support system more than ever but I am too messed up in the head to get that right now. I am just asking for some support and kindness because my life is a mess and I am running on empty. Thanks for reading.