u/ducklebear

I posted recently about my JNMIL: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/905UcM7IBX

Recently married, and my JNMIL has made it a really hard experience culminating to a giant blowup from her when my husband tried to talk to her to set boundaries and take accountability.

She said some terrible things attacking my character and my grief (about my late mom). My husband was speechless or tried to pacify her because that’s what he’s had to do his whole life and he’s basically been bullied into submission.

I know there’s a lot of work we need to do now to enforce proper boundaries with her and my husband is on board. We are aligned that she’s the problem and he needs to get better at managing her.

My main thing is it is really getting to me. Everything before this felt small and easy for me to get over. But some of the stuff recently have felt like a line was majorly crossed. It damaged my trust in my husband and my sense of safety. It was upsetting to see someone say such terrible things to a loved one (eg she told my husband that God might “teach him a lesson.”) It hurt my relationship with my husband and created a wedge.

I’m just really really trying to let this go but I feel like I can’t and there’s this giant knot in my heart that’s affecting me.

Any advice on how to not let your JNMIL get to you? And how to “let these things go” and not impact you?

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/inlaws/s/CPK1fK9FV5

My husband decided to talk to his mom as an effort to repair the relationship after it's been strained after our wedding. This was meant to bring up how her behaviour impacted us and the boundaries we needed moving forward.

She's always reacted poorly to "criticism" with lashing out. My poor husband spent hours typing out a script, reviewing it before their call, and was so stressed. As upset as I am with her about what she's done to me, it's even more upsetting to see her impact on my husband. It's toxic.

It went TERRIBLY. Not that I should be surprised, but she deflected and blamed me for everything. And made weird excuses.

Some highlights MIL said:

• "I wasn't wearing white at your wedding. It was CREAM. Cream is OK." (It was also lace and identical to my ivory lace dress).
• She then demanded to know why I wore black at our engagement dinner and what that meant (my husband's response: "that isn't a thing... I was also wearing black.")
• "I'm annoyed because it feels like you listen to your wife."
• "Your wife is very pampered."
• "She's very rude for calling me by my first name instead of Mrs.____ (when we were dating)." (I asked her and my husband multiple times when we started dating how she preferred to be called, this is something I'm very mindful of as they are Chinese but only speak English and she asked me to call her by her first name).
• Our ceremony seating how rows of 2 seats. MIL got first row. She was mad she was put in the "corner" while FIL was by aisle and kept complaining she couldn't see and why would we do that... my husband responded: "you could have just switched with dad..."
• "There's a saying that you raise your son and then you lose him when he gets married..." uhhh how are you losing him?

And the winner:

When my husband brought up that she really hurt me when she tried to force me to call her "mom" and got upset when she was asked to give me time due to me losing my mom:

• "She needs to move on and let go of her bitterness. I didn't grieve my mom as long as she is."

Honorary mention:

• "I'm worried your wife is the Achilles heel that Satan will use to get to you. Satan is very cunning and tries to break apart families."

EEKK. A lot to digest. Apparently this is a typical conversation with her according to my husband. She couldn't acknowledge her impact on us and basically spent the time pointing out what she had an issue with and blaming me for all the things.

Somehow this conversation actually gave me a lot of peace. There were times I wondered if this was all in my head and I should be more understanding, but this was enlightening and validating. The extent of her delusion, toxicity and her weirdly shaped view of me.

It feels liberating, actually. I think I really see who she is (and so does my husband). I feel like I can keep my distance and not feel bad about it. I also felt bad I did something to cause her to act this way, but have realized I was expecting a irrational person to act rationally.

My husband and I just got married. We are both not Christian, but his parents are incredibly religious. This and other things caused some issues for us during wedding planning.

We had a local Christian civic ceremony (for them) and then did a bigger wedding (non-Christian for us). My MIL just talked to my husband and went off on him about what she was unhappy about.

“I cried at many weddings but not at yours because I didn't feel God.”

“I'm annoyed that you listen to your wife. You are the man of the house."

“I pray your wife's bitterness will go away" (this is in regards to my grief about my mom's passing)

She also said: "Your wife might be your Achilles heel that Satan will use to get to you."

And “Satan is cunning, beware he is always trying to break up our relationships with God/family.”

I’m confused what these two comments meant? Does she think Satan is working through me…?

Edit to add: these comments weren’t out of the blue, it was during a conversation my husband brought up with her to explain where she crossed boundaries and to set boundaries. I think this upset her and she deviated to a more Christian rhetoric.

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/inlaws/s/CPK1fK9FV5

My husband decided to talk to his mom as an effort to repair the relationship after it's been strained after our wedding. This was meant to bring up how her behaviour impacted us and the boundaries we needed moving forward.

She's always reacted poorly to "criticism" with lashing out. My poor husband spent hours typing out a script, reviewing it before their call, and was so stressed. As upset as I am with her about what she's done to me, it's even more upsetting to see her impact on my husband. It's toxic.

It went TERRIBLY. Not that I should be surprised, but she deflected and blamed me for everything. And made weird excuses.

Some highlights MIL said:

• "I wasn't wearing white at your wedding. It was CREAM. Cream is OK." (It was also lace and identical to my ivory lace dress).
• "I'm annoyed because it feels like you listen to your wife."
• "Your wife is very pampered."
• "She's very rude for calling me by my first name instead of Mrs.____ (when we were dating)." (I asked her and my husband multiple times when we started dating how she preferred to be called, this is something I'm very mindful of as they are Chinese but only speak English and she asked me to call her by her first name).
• "There's a saying that you raise your son and then you lose him when he gets married..." uhhh how are you losing him?

And the winner:

When my husband brought up that she really hurt me when she tried to force me to call her "mom" and got upset when she was asked to give me time due to me losing my mom:

• "She needs to move on and let go of her bitterness. I didn't grieve my mom as long as she is."

Honorary mention:

• "I'm worried your wife is the Achilles heel that Satan will use to get to you."

EEKK. A lot to digest. Apparently this is a typical conversation with her according to my husband. She couldn't acknowledge her impact on us and basically spent the time pointing out what she had an issue with and blaming me for all the things.

Somehow this conversation actually gave me a lot of peace. There were times I wondered if this was all in my head and I should be more understanding, but this was enlightening and validating. The extent of her delusion, toxicity and her weirdly shaped view of me.

It feels liberating, actually. I think I really see who she is (and so does my husband). I feel like I can keep my distance and not feel bad about it. I also felt bad I did something to cause her to act this way, but have realized I was expecting a irrational person to act rationally.

I recently got married and my MIL has made the process miserable. She's also helped and been nice. It's not all bad... but it's the classic "can't let go of my son" and "I need to feel important" behaviour.

Some examples:

• Wore white at wedding, claimed she didn't know she shouldn't
• Insisted we invite relatives we don't know so she "felt like she had people"; yelled at us when we said we'd consider it in future invite rounds. Said the relatives we invited on FIL's side didn't want to go as much as her side
• Anytime my husband would raise a request to his parents with something SMALL but important to me and my family (e.g. please welcome them in your speech), his dad would agree and his mom would start listing what her requests were so SHE would feel loved (her exact words)

My husband's been setting boundaries and pushing back, and we've been working on moving on. It was super frustrating, but aren't permanent offenses IMO. I'm able to be mad, hurt, and move on as long as my husband backs me....

What's really crossed the line that I just found out: In Chinese culture after getting married, you call your in-laws "mom" and "dad." I lost my mom recently and it's been incredibly hard. Especially while planning a wedding. Especially while your future MIL acts petty.

My MIL reached out to my husband and demanded I call her "mom" from now on. This was in response to my husband saying he's call my dad "dad" moving forward. This was something I was aware I would need to find a solution for... but it's been a bit heart-wrenching and I've been avoiding addressing her. I don't want to call someone else "mom" so easily as if my mom could be easily replaced. It's just... really hard and I need some time. Especially someone who's acted this way to me.

So my husband pushed back and explained my grief to his mom. That she shouldn't push it and she should give me some time as it's hard for me.

She got mad and snarky. Made a comment about how she "thought I cared about the culture.."

This one really stung and boiled my blood. I honestly think I'm done with her now. Everything else has felt petty but I could move on... this just felt... cruel? I don't know how I can interact with someone who could respond to grief in that way. She's lost her parents too and if you understand what it's like to grieve a parent, I don't understand how that could possibly be your response.

I can't even look her in the eyes now. I don't want to see her. I'm fuming and hurt when I do. I know this hurts my husband and I hate that too, but I don't know how or if I can move on. My husband plans to have a conversation with her to explain the situation, but at this point I'm exhausted. Despite all the boundaries, she keeps crossing them, acting petty, and just isn't a kind person I want to be around or devote energy to. This feels like something I don't think I'll ever be able to move past.

Am I overreacting. What should we do?

Selling two tickets to the 6/13 Toronto show

Centre Mezzanine, Row GG (second row), seats 11-12

$160 for both OBO

Selling two tickets to the 6/13 Toronto show

Centre Mezzanine, Row GG (second row), seats 11-12

$160 for both OBO

I had a beautiful wedding, and sure there were hiccups and regrets but I can’t get over how terrible my dad’s speech was. I’ve been to a lot of weddings, and it was hands down the worst I’ve seen.

For context, I lost my mom a few years ago and wedding planning has been hard to say the least. I’ve seen friends who have lost parents where the remaining parent pulls through to try and be extra supportive or present for their child’s wedding.

Not my dad. He’s made the whole experience much worse. I do everything for him normally, but I asked him (begged him) leading up to my wedding if he could try to offload some of that for me. It’s not doing the tasks, but the mental burden of having to micromanage him because he’s absentminded.He’s not just the kind of person where you’d need to book his flight, but also the kind that forgets he has a flight that day and misses it completely or books the wrong date unless you remind him. I asked him to try himself first at least to make plans himself. He ends up booking the wrong dates, and blamed me when it happened (he said I told him to not to annoy me… I didn’t say that, just asked him to try booking himself). I end up booking his hotels and reviewing all this travel.

I won’t go into more details of where my dad is problematic, but he’s pushed away all family members including my sister and his brother who want nothing to do with him.

Back to the speech. I ask my sister (my MOH) to review his speech. He doesn’t have a censor and says problematic things. She reviewed his speech and said it’s fine.

We gave him 4-5 minutes. He ends up talking for 15 minutes. The whole 15 minutes he turned into a joke. He joked about Trump, did a skit, went up the stage dancing like a jester to get laughs, made the entire speech about himself and barely said anything about me or my husband. Half the speech didn’t make sense. I could tell he put effort into it, but his heart wasn’t in the right place. It felt like he was trying to be the center of attention and make it about him. What’s even more sad is I’ve long suspected he has early stage dementia. He’s been absentminded his whole life, but recently it’s gotten worse and his speech felt more like a confused old man. Growing up, my dad was the most sentimental and eloquent person, I was always excited to hear his speech at my wedding. Instead for 15 minutes, I struggled to keep the tears down and fight the urge to run away while I watched him. I saw someone who I feel hasn’t been a father to me in a long time, especially in moments where I really needed one after losing my mom. I saw someone who has always disappointed me, and this was another moment. I saw someone who I ask very little of, but in that moment chose to be selfish and self serving. I saw another sick parent, after I just went though having a sick parent.

According to my sister, he changed the speech completely from what he showed her and refused to let her help.

If you’re wondering why I’d even ask him to give a speech when there are red flags…. When you’ve lost a parent I think you still really crave the feeling of your parents support, maybe even more. I also foolishly allowed myself to have expectations of him.

I know I shouldn’t let it get me down on the day, but it’s really hard when it was that bad.

Edit to add: how do I get over this? I don’t want to let it overshadow the day but it is right now I can’t stop crying. Do I tell him how it impacted me?