u/embersandlamplight

I know, sounds clickbaity but idk how to word that title without spoilers. So I'll also hide under the cut here.

When Bronte was giving her >>!!gotcha speech and waving the gun at Joe in the woods, the police closing in, I was so sure the twist was gonna be that the police on site were going to do the dumb thing, assume Joe was the one in trouble, Bronte would end up being the one arrested and somehow Joe gets off scot-free. Or even that Bronte would be shot by police, given she was the one holding a gun to the apparently defenceless man on the ground. Purely because it was such a confident speech of how Joe now definitely will pay, that I was fully expecting him to somehow get away with it again<!!<

I'm fairly sure this isn't at all accurate. 😆 But I just had a grim passing thought and wanted to share it as a crack theory here. It will probably meander because I'm gonna stream of consciousness this as I go.

So - in S2 (and S1? I don't remember..) Heaven looks remarkably empty. Grand gleaming buildings and citadels that look.... silent.

Watching S2 today I realised what it reminded me of : Silence in the Library from Dr Who.

In that episode the "library" is an entire planet >!powered by a sentient computer at its heart. The people who were in the library at the time the Vashta Nerada (flesh eating shadow monsters) crap went down, were quite literally "saved" to the planet's computer hard drive!< So when the Doctor and Donna turn up, the entire library, the entire planet is absolutely empty and silent.

That got me thinking about Heaven and its bureaucracy. What if the reason Heaven appears so empty, aside from the angels in the offices, is that the souls get processed and are fed back into being part of Heaven's architecture/infrastructure - like a literal power network.

There's no sadness, no grief, no wailing or gnashing of teeth, nor joy or even consciousness anymore. Just eternal "peace" - as promised.

Whereas Hell? Hell keeps you conscious forever.

So which is worse? Being conscious and in eternal torment, but retaining what makes you, you? Just screaming and in agony forever (which arguably would just break your soul's sanity anyway within a short time.) Or being reduced to raw energy, and becoming part of an eternal infrastructure, unconscious of yourself as even a conscious being at all?

Because angels don't (shouldn't!) ask questions, they just guide the souls along, department to department. And if anyone did dare to ask "but... where do the human souls actually go?" they'd probably receive a stern look from their colleague and a vague "not our department" shrug and a topic change worthy of whiplash.

Chances are the final department doesn't even know where they go. Or maybe they do. But best not to ask questions....

UPDATE-

It got worse. My brain made it so much worse.

OK so... if pushed further into the realms of horror, but also following this thread for twisted fun...

In S2, the alarm goes off in Heaven for the tiny miracle that Aziraphale and Crowley do.

What if the one time the processed human souls flicker back into a state resembling consciousness, is when something unexpected rips through the system, such as an alert - a literal thread of energy being forcibly yanked between Heaven and Earth.

Just for a moment, the souls are awake. Like accidentally waking from general anaesthesia during an operation. And they feel EVERYTHING at once - good and bad, grief, pain, fear... everything that made them human distilled into one crystal clear sensory barrage, along with profound disorientation.

And this comes out as a blaring emergency signal. What the angels hear as an alarm, is a literal alarm indeed. But it also has the unfortunate side effect of thousands of souls waking at once, recognising themselves and screaming. The angels don't recognise the screaming. How could they? They have never known what it is to be human. Then the alarm is turned off and "peace" is restored.

Moving on...

I could be wrong about this, but Aziraphale can't name any souls in Heaven I don't think? Whereas Crowley regularly casually namedrops grand composers as "they're one of ours". Which tends to suggest that Aziraphale may not actually know who is up in Heaven ... but it is all filed away efficiently. Because of course it is. Somewhere. I mean, when was the last time Aziraphale mentioned "Oh, I dropped in on Mother Theresa last week. Lovely woman. Excellent scones."

So, what if humans were created as an experimental source of renewable energy in the first place? What if creating the cosmos unexpectedly put a strain on Heaven itself. So, humans were created as a renewable energy experiment. They are made of the same celestial stuff as angels, but what really gives them their super-boost is free will and the experience of life on Earth - something that angels don't have and werent created to experience.

Then, when that soul and its power returns to Heaven, its like taking an AA battery and having it return as source of power 5x the size. Experiencing Life on Earth with all its range of emotions and experiences essentially becomes a glorified charging port.

The souls that end up in Hell... well their sins during Life make their power supply stuttery and unreliable - and the worst examples barely could power a remote control, such is the damage. They can't be plugged back into the Heavenly system. They're like, faulty batteries that could explode or cause outages.

But if anyone actually *told* the Hell-bound souls that they are made of the same celestial materials as angels, and that Hell is a glorified landfill site, they could still technically storm Heaven. The numbers are (certainly these days,) a potential concern. Can't be having that. So eternal torment it is. If they can't think because they're screaming, they can't ever figure it out.

So, Heaven gets the clean energy. Hell gets the hazardous waste - and neither those running Heaven or Hell even realise that's actually what is happening. Because no one asks the right questions. It hasn't actually ever occurred.

When any angel starts showing a leaning towards inconvenient questioning, best to make them fall into Hell. A severe demotion, essentially. Can't be having them poking around what actually keeps Heaven running quite so efficiently.

The worst thing in all of this? The truth is that angels, demons and humans COULD live together. They could just co-exist. They are ALL made of celestial power. They are far more the same than anyone has stopped to think about. But because no one is questioning and they're all stuck in the narrative of celestial bureaucracy, no one has yet connected the dots.

And the dots are far simpler and more horrifying than celestial war and battles for redemption and salvation. Those are the convenient narratives that have been encouraged over millenia, because that story is so much more interesting than reality - and the Almighty does enjoy a good story.

And if the angels and demons ever actually worked it out and said "Wait. So. That's it? Just... Earth is a fancy what? Charging dock? The National Grid? And we are what? The staff? That's it? That's... IT?'

Then God just shrugging and going. "Technically, yes. But look what you all created! You all created such entertainment, it seemed a shame to stop you. You were all having such fun. You found meaning....all your celestial and infernal battles, and coffee shops and little parks with picket fences and Sunday afternoons... adorable, truly.'

And Crowley shouting "What was the point!? You created all the humans, just to more efficiently power Heaven!? What was the bloody point!?'

'For future projects,' replies God, pleasantly.

Could the souls in Heaven be released? Restored? Maybe. Or maybe not. I could imagine Aziraphale protesting, absolutely appalled, "Well, let them go then! You *can* let them out surely? I mean, you're God!"

And God mildly replying "Hm. Good point. Not sure actually. And Heaven has been running so much more efficiently since the project really got going.'

Finally, Aziraphale, alone, processing the bleak, cold and offensively simple reality of what actually has been going on behind the scenes all this time, all the souls he personally fought for to get into Heaven, not realising what they were heading for, wanders into a little backroom, somewhere in Heaven's offices. He turns on the light and the bulb blazes to life.

He looks up at it sadly.

'...Hello,' he says.

This is what happens when I lie awake at 3am and can't sleep and the brain goes clickety. I had this headcanon and I really wanted to share it for the lols. 🙃

So, in my headcanon, demons get cycles. Not actual menstrual cycles like humans, but infernal cycles that purely affect their behaviour. Angels don't get them. This is all part of the infernal biology that happens when an angel falls and becomes a demon.

The exact date and time and planetary alignment of their fall plays into it. As they fall and the celestial grace and energy burns and transforms, it creates an imprint... at least that's the working theory since about the 13th century. No one actually fully knows for certain.

About once every century, for about a fortnight, every demon will become a little bit batty.

They get (more) crabby, needy, emotional, more impulsive, more prone to using their powers spontaneously- which is frustrating because their powers also weaken during that time. Interspersed, they have unusually generous/altruistic charitable/helpful urges, either directed to other demons or, to their retrospective shame, humans.

(My theory for this is that this altruism is the potential goodness of humanity turned right the way up into demonic compulsion. A reflection of the questioning and individuality that made them fall in the first place.)

Beelzebub, for example, once spent a week of their fortnight volunteering at an elderly assisted living home in Kent, and hosting rousing piano sing-a-longs in the evenings. Even now, no one dares remind them of it, for fear of instant discorporation. (They still keep in touch with Gladys.)

Crowley's altruism is...chaotic. His demonic nature already is sort of flimsy, so when his cycle hits, he can't stop himself being exorbitantly charitable. He once paid for a round the world cruise for a struggling waitress, because she kept making sure his coffee was topped up in a timely manner, had given him "the good kind of chocolate mints, and she deserves nice things too," while weeping into a napkin.

They also crave things that aren't food and get fiercely protective of them. The rank and power of a demon is particularly reflected in this. Usually it is something entirely benign, but there was a time when a middle ranking demon got extremely protective of the Gold Coast, which caused an unprecedented heavy snowfall for the climate, due to the volatility of their moods.

There was also the time that Hastur got extremely protective and attached to a wooden spoon - carried it everywhere in their top pocket and would set fire to anyone who dared ask about the spoon.

Crowley, meanwhile, during the spring of 1926, got extremely protective of a family of ducks on the Serpentine, feeding them by hand, camping out there and hissing at anyone who came close.