u/femboy-admirer

The problem is, I (amab) don't want to be a woman of any kind. It's not really about identity, it's a fixation on this idealised fantasy of looking exactly like I want to. Which is impossible. No amount of hormones and surgeries can shrink my bones and make me look like I want to, it's far too late for that.
There's nothing that makes me feel worse about myself than seeing an obviously trans woman. Tall (like me or even a bit shorter than me), with a massive head and broad shoulders. Which is what I'd end up like if I completely lost my sanity and went through this process. I just hate myself. I hate the little kid that didn't take literal castration fantasies seriously and thought they were a normal passing thought because "puberty makes everyone uncomfortable". I wish that kid would allow himself to experiment and to admit that he wants to be a girl. I'm a very peaceful person. I condemn all kinds of violence. I never even raise my voice. But if I had a time machine and could go find that little kid, I'd beat the sh*t out of him.

I've started Wellbutrin XR 150 mg a few weeks ago. I don't feel any better (yet), but a few things started happening.

• I had an issue with emotional numbness. I couldn't cry for the life of me. Now though, a few days ago, I just started randomly crying over a memory (one that wasn't even sad/emotionally charged). For the first time in years! I actually cried - it made me kinda happy even though it was weird.

• For the past week or so, I've started experiencing tiredness between 4 and 6 pm. I was never the kind of person that took afternoon naps, but now I want to. Unfortunately I always feel worse after taking one so I resist that. I feel like my brain fog also gets consistently worse during that time of day now.

• Right now (cca. 10 hours after taking today's pill) I'm experiencing a tremor in my left thumb. I don't remember this ever happening before. It's weird.

Could any of these have been caused by it? It's interesting because so far I didn't get any of the common side effects like nausea or decreased appetite. Or any of the desired effects for that matter...

Season 5, Episode 25 "The Inner Light"

That's what I feel like. My life... things just happen, they're so weird. Everything is happening so quickly, nothing has substance anymore. A restaurant you used to frequent might close, your friend moves to a new place so you'll never meet them at the old one again, the world itself is so different. Everyone is obsessed with screens (me included). Cars are different. Cars used to be normal, they felt real in my childhood. Most of the time. Now car design is so weird...

I just... If the world returned to how it was in say 2009, in my childhood... I might feel... normal again?

For some reason, writing this almost made me cry. That's really unexpected - I don't know why, I usually have trouble expressing emotions. I'm so numb. I haven't cried in years.

And it's not like some traumatic event broke me and I want to return to a time before that, not at all. It really is just the world feeling more normal back then.

Humans weren't really made for the modern way of life. Maybe I have a more sensitive nervous system than most people. It tries to protect me even though there is no danger. Sorry, I don't know where I'm going with this...

Edit: I just cried! After years of emotional numbness! Wow! What just happened???

First of all, I'm probably not the most stereotypical poster here: I don't have a crossdressing habit, I don't consume trans pornography and I rarely get sexual fantasies about being a woman. I do get other types of fantasies though, mainly aesthetic and social. I do consume sfw trans and femboy content - I think it's the idea that someone that was born to be a large, rough, ugly, hairy (dare I say disgusting?) man can become a pretty, soft, cute woman and be allowed to wear the clothing etc. that is appealing to me.

I still think I fit the AGP type better than the other one: I don't have a feminine core personality and I like girls romantically (aesthetically/visually) though I also find the idea of having sex with a man appealing. But I would never want to kiss one, for example, especially a masculine one. I have also spent my childhood as a more or less "normal" boy, no one ever thought I was a gay kid or anything, I played with boys' toys and had both male and female friends (though I had more female than male friends when I was aged 7-14 and loved hanging out with them, I never felt like I fit in, I always felt a bit excluded. I was, after all, never one of the girls and I also didn't feel that way).

I was never in a romantic relationship, I think I don't like the role I'm supposed to have in one. I don't want to chase a partner and provide for them, I want to be chased and taken care of. I dislike the idea of having to "earn" a girl and act differently around them. I feel like a femboy would be a perfect boyfriend, nerdy, with masculine interests, not a "diva" but while still looking like a cute girl I want to kiss. So, looking feminine but without a pretentious feminine (or that "stereotypical gay") personality and mannerisms.

I wished I were a girl since I was 5, but it was something in the back of my mind, I didn't obsess over it and I don't think I ever told anyone. Now though, in my mid 20s, I for the first time can't get the thoughts about transitioning out of my head. I can't transition, it'd ruin my life. It'd solve one thing (feeling somewhat more satisfied about my body), and even that not entirely (I can never look like a cis woman, I have been through puberty and am also too tall to pass), at the cost of everything else. At the cost of a normal life. I know this is just a stupid fantasy, I know I couldn't possibly live my life as a trans woman, but I still can't get this out of my head. I try to get distracted with work and stuff and it simply doesn't work. For the past half a year or so, this has been on my mind constantly and it's driving me insane. How can I get rid of this once and for all?

I (amab, in my 20s) have been questioning my gender for a while now and even though I fantasise about being a girl a lot, it kind of stays at that - an abstract fantasy. It's also strong when I read books or watch films - I want to relate to female characters, I wish I was them. Whenever I seriously consider what living my actual, everyday life as a woman would be like, I'm like "nope". And it's just this endless internal conflict...

Like, if I had the option to live another life after this one, if, after death, I could reincarnate as a woman, I would finish this one as a man. Get old and all. I wouldn’t even consider transitioning. But, as is... transitioning seems like this irrational, out of character thing to do. It's not me even though I wish it were.