u/ferret_king10

Sorry if this question seems a bit basic. I'm admittedly pretty rusty in my application of Stoicism, it isn't a big of a part of my life as it used to be but I'm now rediscovering its importance.

I'm assuming everyone here knows about the stoic story of the archer. But in case you don't it's basically about preferred indifference. Instead of focusing on the outcome of your actions, simply focus on taking the best possible actions that could achieve that outcome. It's a seemingly small change in perspective that is supposed to have the potential to make a huge difference.

I've tried applying this viewpoint in a recent part of my life. This is gonna sound kinda embarrassing, but I feel like it's worth explaining. I started college a in late August and surprisingly I found a girl who I liked in early september. Things were going very good for about a month until recently she became a bit distant, and we just discussed tonight how she couldn't see herself getting with me.

I did everything that was under my control in the situation to get the preferred outcome. Intellectually, I know that there is nothing to be worried about. But that doesn't help too much with the fact that emotionally, I still feel very sad about things not working out how I wanted.

I still will try my best to keep my emotions from clouding my judgement no matter what. But this would be so much easier if my emotions align with my rational mind. It's a pattern beyond just this situation with the girl; I've noticed that a lot of the time, I will rationally know that the preparations are more important than the outcome, yet the emotional part of my mind will just not get the memo. How can I get my emotions to be less focused on the outcomes of my actions so both the emotional and logical sides of me can work together?

I've noticed that my emotional state seems to be so sensitive to people's tone of voice and I really don't like it. Whenever someone has an annoyed, frustrated, or slightly angry tone of voice it really just messes with me and throws me off badly. It gets difficult to get my mind off of it, even if it was just a passing comment. I want to try and overcome this because:

1. A lot of my family members just have a way of speaking where they sound angry/annoyed/upset a lot of the time. I know that it's just their way of speaking or their culture (I am brazillian), but even though I know logically that it isn't important, it doesn't feel that way in my mind/body.
2. I often worry that if my mind is focused on just the emotional stress that comes from people's complaints/angry tone, I will miss what they are actually saying, which means I am potentially ignoring an actual request to change my ways from them. I don't want to pass up an opportunity to become a better person.
3. I generally just don't feel comfortable placing my emotional state in something so minor. I know it doesn't matter, but if feels like it matters, and I really just want to get both the rational and emotion parts of myself in sync

Does anyone understand my problem and know how to move past this? I want to get rid of this obstacle in my character

I don't know if this fits, but I thought I'd add two more things:

1. I think I generally have a decent amount of tone awareness, at least for an AuDHD person. Like there are many times where I can understand something which isn't said from somebody's tone of voice, although depending on the situation I might miss it.
2. This might kinda counteract the last point, but although i can understand tone well from others, I think I am very bad at controlling my own tone. There have been many times where I say something which I find neutral/non-emotionally charged, yet someone else gets upset with me because I was "having an attitude". I won't deny the fact that sometimes I do have a rude tone when i am upset, but this also happens when I am perfectly calm.
3. I come from a generally healthy family, I've never been verbally abused at all.

I'm a Christian but lately I've been questioning my faith severely, with divine hiddenness being one of the main reasons. I can't find an answer for this question, and it is making my faith feel awful. I honestly don't know if I can have much faith at all without some kind of understanding.

So much of how people talk about Christianity is a personal relationship with God, but because of how hidden God is, I experience none of this. He doesn't feel like someone who I know and care for. He's more like a historical figure who I definitely admire, but have no personal, mutual connection with. My life is going super good right now. God has blessed me with so many things:

• A loving family and friends who love me even though I have problems
• I've never had to worry about where I'm gonna get my bare essentials (food, clean water, clothes, shelter)
• A healthy, athletic body
• An acceptance to my dream college
• Talents in things I care about

But people always talk about these things as being "wants", while a connection with God is a "need". Why then is God giving me literally everything I want, but not what I need? I am worried. Because I am about to start college, which I know will be a very formative and impactful time in my life. There's gonna be a lot of opportunities to either greatly benefit or greatly harm my life. I don't want to enter such a delicate period of my life without God. But no matter what I do He isn't there.

I read the Book of Job and it still didn't help in the slightest.

Has anyone gone through a period of feeling super confused and horrible about questioning your faith over this? And if so, have you found an answer other than "Ur not God bro shut up and stop asking questions"

Where are good and/or cheap places to get 4c hair done? I get two strand twists and wanna keep them when I go to USC (i am in incoming freshman)

https://preview.redd.it/ucca4gzsgteh1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=7b97a9fb32b8ed49b381c1914e71e50d81cecbe7

I'm a Christian but there's been a question that I've always been so confused about.

We need free will in order to have real, authentic love. This makes sense of course.

Within the context of free will on Earth, we are stuck in a sinful world and have an inability to go our whole lives without sinning in one way or another. We can choose righteousness from time to time, but the common denominator in all of humanity's free will is that we're gonna sin in some way eventually. Because of sin, we experience a world full of death and suffering.

But there is no suffering in heaven, yet despite this we will still live in a world of perfect love and free will. How is this possible?

People often say that in heaven/the new creation (please correct me if I am mixing up the two), "We will be in a world that is holy, so that we never get the temptation to sin". But why not have that world be the default that we are all born into? Why can't we just be born into a more holy world (like heaven or Eden) from the get go?

I know the obvious answer that some people might say is "well because Adam and Eve were on Earth so whatever children they have would be born here too" but it's not like God is at the mercy of natural rules. Wouldn't it make more sense if Earth was just the place where people went when they sinned (since it is bound by death and suffering) and God just kept making people in a more suitable environment instead? I don't see why the answer to Adam and Eve sinning is: "Okay, you sinned. Now let's make 100% sure that EVERY SINGLE PERSON (besides Jesus) will be EVEN MORE predisposed to sinning than you are!" Having the default be a sinful, fallen world just seems like a lose-lose situation for both humanity and God.

It's a loss for us obviously because sin hurts the individual committing it, and also it hurts other people. And it also hurts God because:

1. He obviously hates sin

2. It makes the pain that Jesus endures even more horrible. Jesus paid the price for every sin humanity ever committed. But odds are, the vast majority of these sins would have never occurred had humanity lived in a more suitable environment for fulfilling God's purpose for us. This just seems like extra pain being inflicting upon our Lord which doesn't need to happen.

I got a combined ADHD and Autism evaluation recently. I knew basically for a fact that I had ADHD (my symptoms for that seem much more pronounced, and I have undergone online testing through a psychiatrist and neuroaffirming therapist for over a year), and I was somewhat anticipating the possibility that I'd have autism too.

The main reasons I thought I might be autistic were as follows:

• I have a lot of difficulty with social situations, but not in the way that most people say ADHDers do. I don't cut people off or finish their sentences. I try really, really hard to mask and seem normal around people, but I just have so many social challenges. I don't understand eye contact properly (I can try to force it, but it doesn't come naturally to me at all and makes me distracted from actually engaging with what is being said to be), and a lot of the time I struggle with understanding what to say in social situations. I struggle with finding things that are relevant to the conversation without being just plain, and I have a lot of trouble picking up on the subtexts of what people are saying. I struggle a lot with sarcasm and knowing how to respond to things that aren't direct questions or requests.
• I get pretty upset when my routines/schedules are interrupted. This isn't to a totally debilitating amount, like I'm not gonna have my day ruined because I have to move an appointment around by a few hours, or because I have something new for breakfast. But I have a lot of pretty specific things I like to do to ground/stimulate myself and when I can't do them under the specific circumstances I want, I get kinda upset.
• My sensory issues seem a lot worse than most ADHD people. When I get overstimulated (usually by sound, visual cues, and touch), I experience more than just the mental scatterbrained feeling that most ADHDers do. I experience pretty intense physical effects to. I get this one sensation all over my body that can best be described as a mix between:
  • The "pins and needles feeling" you get when your leg falls asleep
  • An intense, hot burn.
  • An intense itch that you can't quite scratch because it feels like it is underneath your skin itself
• I do horribly under pressure. Chaotic environments make me freeze up and I don't thrive in them at all.
• Although I have some strong passions that might classify as hyperfixations, they aren't short term and instead last my whole life. For example, I feel like I need to do something related to my life's passion, game development/design every day or else I just feel mentally restless, and begin to feel the physical sensations I described earlier. This passion isn't short term, since I have had it since i was 7 (I am 18 now), in fact I'd say its only gotten stronger as time goes on. And another example, someone once texted me about a music artist I liked right before I went to bed, and I got so excited that I couldn't stop thinking about it and stimming, it probably took me like two hours to fall asleep afterwards. These things seem more like special interests than short-term hyperfixations to me
• Speaking of which, I stim, a lot. For me, I usually pace around my house (it has to be a specific area, usually my dining room) with a very specific kind of object in my hand (usually a plastic toy animal). I'll tap the object against furtniture, occasionnaly break out into a breif skip if I get really excited, and fidget with the object in my hand. I can do this for hours honestly.

But my test results came back, and even though I had an elevated score on most of the Autism tests, my doctor said that most of my symptoms could just be explained by my presentation of ADHD, since ADHD and autism share a lot of symptoms. The symptoms that both conditions share were just strongest in me, but I guess I didn't have enough "autism specific" symptoms to be considered autistic.

I was just kinda curious as to if anyone else with solely ADHD experiences these similar things to me? I don't think there's a point in going back and asking for a rediagnosis so I won't do that, but I am still curious.

I got a combined ADHD and Autism evaluation recently. I knew basically for a fact that I had ADHD (my symptoms for that seem much more pronounced, and I have undergone online testing through a psychiatrist and neuroaffirming therapist for over a year), and I was somewhat anticipating the possibility that I'd have autism too.

The main reasons I thought I might be autistic were as follows:

• I have a lot of difficulty with social situations, but not in the way that most people say ADHDers do. I don't cut people off or finish their sentences. I try really, really hard to mask and seem normal around people, but I just have so many social challenges. I don't understand eye contact properly (I can try to force it, but it doesn't come naturally to me at all and makes me distracted from actually engaging with what is being said to be), and a lot of the time I struggle with understanding what to say in social situations. I struggle with finding things that are relevant to the conversation without being just plain, and I have a lot of trouble picking up on the subtexts of what people are saying. I struggle a lot with sarcasm and knowing how to respond to things that aren't direct questions or requests.
• I get pretty upset when my routines/schedules are interrupted. This isn't to a totally debilitating amount, like I'm not gonna have my day ruined because I have to move an appointment around by a few hours, or because I have something new for breakfast. But I have a lot of pretty specific things I like to do to ground/stimulate myself and when I can't do them under the specific circumstances I want, I get kinda upset.
• My sensory issues seem a lot worse than most ADHD people. When I get overstimulated (usually by sound, visual cues, and touch), I experience more than just the mental scatterbrained feeling that most ADHDers do. I experience pretty intense physical effects to. I get this one sensation all over my body that can best be described as a mix between:
  • The "pins and needles feeling" you get when your leg falls asleep
  • An intense, hot burn.
  • An intense itch that you can't quite scratch because it feels like it is underneath your skin itself
• I do horribly under pressure. Chaotic environments make me freeze up and I don't thrive in them at all.
• Although I have some strong passions that might classify as hyperfixations, they aren't short term and instead last my whole life. For example, I feel like I need to do something related to my life's passion, game development/design every day or else I just feel mentally restless, and begin to feel the physical sensations I described earlier. This passion isn't short term, since I have had it since i was 7 (I am 18 now), in fact I'd say its only gotten stronger as time goes on. And another example, someone once texted me about a music artist I liked right before I went to bed, and I got so excited that I couldn't stop thinking about it and stimming, it probably took me like two hours to fall asleep afterwards. These things seem more like special interests than short-term hyperfixations to me
• Speaking of which, I stim, a lot. For me, I usually pace around my house (it has to be a specific area, usually my dining room) with a very specific kind of object in my hand (usually a plastic toy animal). I'll tap the object against furtniture, occasionnaly break out into a breif skip if I get really excited, and fidget with the object in my hand. I can do this for hours honestly.

But my test results came back, and even though I had an elevated score on most of the Autism tests, my doctor said that most of my symptoms could just be explained by my presentation of ADHD, since ADHD and autism share a lot of symptoms. The symptoms that both conditions share were just strongest in me, but I guess I didn't have enough "autism specific" symptoms to be considered autistic.

I was just kinda curious as to if anyone else with solely ADHD experiences these similar things to me? I don't think there's a point in going back and asking for a rediagnosis so I won't do that, but I am still curious.

I've heard that the game industry is made up of specialists, not generalists, so you have to focus on a particular discipline that you wanna work on in games (programming, design, art, sound, etc). And then I've heard that even within disciplines, there are subcategories you should focus on.

I know that the general discipline that I enjoy most and want to work in is design. As for the subcategory, I have narrowed by focus to either being a "gameplay designer" or "systems designer".

In my own games, I love working out what the games mechanics will be, how they interact with each other, and how that all combines to affect the player experience. But I am kinda confused on the difference between being a gameplay and systems designer. If games are interactive systems, wouldn't all system designers be gameplay designers?

I am asking because I am an incoming freshman at one of the best game design schools (USC) and I want to go into school with a purpose and direction to give me the best shot at getting a job in this difficult industry. I know that a degree is NOT a silver bullet in game design, so this is why I am asking. I want to decide what specific things I want out of this degree so I can make the best use of it.

Lately I have been a bit confused on the difference between giving myself some grace for my neurological differences, while not falling into a victim mentality or learned helplessness. For example, there is evidence (scientific and anecdotal from my own life) that I just don’t seem to have the same capacity for working memory and organization as other people. I unfortunately experience this first hand constantly. I don’t forget/lose/disorganize things on purpose most of the time, I just don’t think my brain has the same capacity to do these things as other people. But at the same time, I don’t want to fall into the mindset of never trying to get better and not living up to my potential. So it’s a really confusing back and forth. I know I don’t have the same capacity as other people (which makes getting upset at myself about my shortcomings less productive), but I also don’t want that to allow me to go overboard and not try to be better.

How do you balance the idea of giving yourself some grace and recognizing that you might just not have the same abilities as others, without that turning into learned helplessness and a lack of drive to improve?

Im an incoming freshman and I plan on going to the Beabadoobee concert in Inglewood on October 21. Does the free metro that students get allow me to get there?

also while I'm at it, would anyone else be interested in going to the concert w me?

Currently I am at a very rocky place in my faith with a lot of cognitive dissonance as to if I believe or not. If anyone is curious about the specifics, I'd be glad to share it with you, but just know its kinda a lot.

But to make a long story short, I don't think I can just force myself to have full confidence in my faith in God. If I had to estimate I'd say I could only get myself to have like ~70% confidence in my faith (oftentimes it can get lower than that). I really want to have more belief, but in my understanding of Christianity, there's just too many things that I don't understand for me ignore them and have a truly full faith.

I was wondering if I am still saved even if I am slightly on the fence about if I believe or not. I don't want to live a life of empty religion where I pretend that my heart is fully in it even though it is not. If I have a very, very, VERY substantial amount of doubt, am I still saved?

Even though I have very serious doubts about God, I still want to follow Him by loving others and avoiding sin. But I know that even if I devote the rest of my life to living this way (which I am trying to do now and will continue to do) it doesn't matter because my salvation is not based on my works. So that's why I am concerned. I have wavering faith in God, but still want to live like Jesus, yet I am questioning if I am saved because my salvation is supposed to be faith based.

And please nobody comment anything like "lean not on your own understanding". I can't just tell myself "just believe dude" and have it actually work. Trust me I have tried.

Im an incoming freshman so forgive me if I don't get how the free lyft system works, I've yet to actually use it.

My parents will be staying at a hotel near campus (not usc hotel) during Family Weekend. Assuming this hotel is within the lyft zone, could I have a lyft pick them up from/drop them off at their hotel from campus? They're a bit worried about the area surrounding USC.

Would I have to be in the lyft itself as a shared rider for me to be able to move them around for free?

Incoming freshman here,

How do the concerts during welcome week work?

I saw this insta post: https://www.instagram.com/p/DZdKnjiBh1J/

And it seems like that is a LOT of artists for just one weekend. How many songs does each artist usually play?

Also if anyone is interested in seeing Clairo perform, feel free to reach out and let me know because I'd like people to go with. She's the only artist here who I wanna see

Generally, what advice would you give to an AuDHD student going to college?

Some more info about me to help tailor information:

• I am unmedicated right now, but I'm going to try a few different ADHD medications this summer so I can see how they affect me at home before I take them in a totally new environment.
• My main struggles are with:
  • Sensory Processing: Usually I can tolerate normal environments and even some more stimulating things such as concerts for a while, but after about an hour or two I get pretty bad brain fog. This can really harm my ability to be present and make complex decisions because it feels like my brain is on "cruise control" where it's kinda operating at a lower level but I can't seem to snap out of it without rest. Sometimes when things get really bad, I experience physically symptoms. I get this awful sensation when highly overstimulated. It feels like a mix of pins and needles (like when your leg falls asleep) + an intense itch underneath the skin + a really hot burning sensation. I hate it but luckily I can usually find a way to regulate myself before it gets this bad.
  • Working Memory: I have terrible working memory so I frequently lose things or forget tasks. I have a Google Calendar which helps, but sometimes I just forget to even put things in there.
  • Social Awkwardness: I don't understand how to properly make eye contact much. I can try, but the focus I place on maintaining proper eye contact distracts me from actually being highly engaged in the conversation. But this gets slightly easier the more I know someone. I also just generally come off as pretty awkward at times. I feel like I constantly need more processing time to come up with a proper response to the things people say to me, especially when it isn't a question something directly prompting me to respond. This causes me to often scramble to find the words and string together the thoughts I need in conversation. I also have some difficulty reading between the lines in conversations.
  • Masking: Similar to the last one, but I mask a lot and despite efforts, I can't seem to force myself to just not do it. It has to come naturally as I know someone more and more. I just can't go up to a stranger and be myself really. Even though I try. This drains a lot of my energy. I keep myself from stimming (for those curious, my main way of stimming is fidgeting with a plastic object in my hand --the shape and texture is very important, usually it's an animal figurine of some kind-- while pacing, and occasionally breaking out into a skip or tapping the object against another one repeatedly) because I hate when people outside of my immediate family see me doing it.
  • Task Switching: When I am passionate about what I'm doing I don't like switching tasks too fast. I need a heads up.
• Some good things I forsee about college are:
  • I am majoring in my special interest (game design)
  • I've heard my dorm is relatively quiet from what I've heard. It will have AC too.
  • I think I'm really creative if that means anything.

My psychologist is gonna write me a letter for the disability office. It will ask for most of the basic accommodations, and also note that I might need my own dorm room without a roommate. I have a roommate right now because I want to get to know people socially. I really don't wanna be antisocial and isolate myself in a single dorm, but I will probably have the option to do so if needed.

I know this was kinda unfocused, but all of those paragraphs I wrote were just supplemental info in case you wanted to provide more specific advise. But in general, what should I expect going in to college and how can I make it the best experience possible?

Sorry if this doesn't fit this sub. I just need help and answers. i am desperate

Just a warning, this post is gonna be kinda 50% ranting but also 50% genuinely asking questions. So I'm sorry if it seems a bit unfocused.

But lately I have been kinda struggling a lot with my faith. I'm an 18 year old young man. I came to God about 2 years ago after being a "cultural Christian" my whole life. I finally decided to start taking my faith seriously. I researched for months and I came to the conclusion that the resurrection of Jesus is historically accurate in my eyes, and I believe that it happened. I recognized that I'm a sinner and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior.

My life is really good, and I have received many blessings. For the basic things, I have a good mind and body. I have no conditions that are purely debilitating (I have ADHD and Autism, but even then I am high functioning, thankfully. So while I struggle a lot it also comes with strengths that still allow me to live independently). I have a lot of friends who love me a lot. My family loves me too. I am healthy and financially stable. I even got into my dream college and I will be able to study my passion, game design. All this is to say that I feel like I'm very blessed.

People always tell me to thank God for all that I have, and I do. But there's two main things that kinda bother me when I thank God for my blessings.

1. (Big One) I feel like even though God blesses me, I don't know Him.

I still don't actually understand what it means to know God. People always describe it as a personal relationship with God. But realistically, what does that even mean? He doesn't talk to me or interact with me directly. I know we have the Bible as God's word, but I don't get how that's supposed to count as knowing God personally. I know about Him, but I don't know Him. I strive to study my bible and try to bear fruits of the spirit, but I can't get myself to believe that I personally know God. The way I see my "relationship" with God is like I view Him as a historical figure who I look up to, or I view Him as the embodiment of a moral code. I know that God is both of these things, but isn't He meant to be more than that? I don't know Marcus Aurelius because I read Meditations and practice Stoicism. I don't know Viktor Frankl because I read Man's Search for Meaning. I know of them, but I don't know them. I feel like I view God the same way, even though I'm not supposed to, and I feel awful about it.

Because of this, I feel a lingering feeling of insecurity when celebrating my blessings and thanking God for them. I am obviously grateful for my college acceptances, my loved ones, my life situation, etc, but God isn't a vending machine who I thank only for what He gives me. I'm supposed to pray to Him for who He is, not just what He gives me. I praise God in my prayer, but it still feels hollow because I don't actually feel connected to Him at all, just the stuff He blesses me with. I catch myself thinking "what good are all these blessings if I'm not connected to God, the one who's giving them to me? I don't wanna get caught up in so much stuff that I forget about Him." But I have trouble viewing Him as a person really. I've read all the books of the Bible with Jesus in them, and I still view Him as more of just a historical figure who I look up to than someone who I know personally. And people always talk about how you "hear God's voice more when you read the Bible" but that also makes zero sense to me. Because isn't that literally just how reading something everyday works? your thoughts tend to mirror the things you take in. To go back to the previous example, I'm not hearing Marcus Aurelius' voice when I read Meditations every day. My thoughts are just aligning with the information I take in consistently. That's how being human works.

2. I don't get why God blesses me with seemingly trivial things when people are out there being deprived of basic needs.

Why does God bother blessing me with not just my needs, but all of my wants, when there's people out there who are praying for just the most basic of things? there's people out there praying for babies in the NICU. or people praying for the ability to put a roof over their children's heads. or people in Palestine and Congo and Nigeria praying for protection from genocidal maniacs. Why does it seem like I deserve a college acceptance or good test results when people are praying for things like this? Where is the sense of priorities? I know that God often wants us to use our resources to help those in need, and of course, I plan to use my privilege to help others throughout my life. But no matter how hard I try, I'm never gonna be able to hold a candle to God's ability to heal and help people. I'll try my best, but the point still stands that no matter what I do, more people would be helped if God Himself blessed these people Himself.

Am I really meant to accept these blessings for relatively trivial things when people are out there suffering? And it's not even always suffering that builds character. I get that God can use suffering to build character in some people, but to me it seems like He only does it sometimes. Sometimes people get sick and form a new dependence on God and that's great. But sometimes people get sick and they just die. And leave a whole broken family behind, who can't cope with the loss. Some trauma makes people stronger, and some trauma leaves people mentally shattered for the rest of their lives. (Please keep in mind, I'm not talking about people doing bad things to each other. I understand totally why God lets this happen. If he interfered every time someone tried mistreating someone else, we wouldn't have free will. I'm talking about when horrible things happen to people without the intervention of another person, and it doesn't lead to spiritual growth. that's what seems so insane to me)

I know we live in a "fallen world" but honestly that's never made any sense to me. God is more than capable of reaching into this broken world and fixing things. But sometimes He does and sometimes He just doesn't.

And yeah, I get that a mortal asking to understand each little intricacy of God's plan doesn't make that much sense. It's not really possible. But so many things just seem to contradict God's character in the world.

This is where the cognitive dissonance sets in. I pretty much believe Jesus was raised from the dead. There's good evidence for it in my eyes. But that's one of the very few pieces of evidence of a loving, personal God that I see. There's so much pointless, non-interpersonal suffering that is in the world. And at least if I could feel a connection to God's presence, or if He implanted the knowledge of "I am God" within all of us, so that the fact is as naturally known to us as how to blink or breath, maybe I could abide until I go to heaven. But I just don't think I can do it. I want to remain faithful, because if there's even the slightest chance that the God of the whole universe loves me, it would be horrible to just ignore Him and leave Him. But I just have so much doubt. Why can't He be more obvious to people?

It's making me doubt so much. It's gotten to the point to where I avoid talking about it with other Christians my age. I've got a Christian bible study group at my school, but I've been avoiding bringing up these questions because I don't want to send people into a spiral of doubt like I am in.

I don't want to get so caught up in all the things this world has to offer while ignoring God. I just want to know God as a person. Not as a moral code personified or as a historical hero, but as a person, and a Father, and a friend.

I feel so tormented because I believe but I also don't. I just want peace with God

Sorry if this doesn't fit this sub. I just need help and answers. i am desperate

Just a warning, this post is gonna be kinda 50% ranting but also 50% genuinely asking questions. So I'm sorry if it seems a bit unfocused.

But lately I have been kinda struggling a lot with my faith. I'm an 18 year old young man. I came to God about 2 years ago after being a "cultural Christian" my whole life. I finally decided to start taking my faith seriously. I researched for months and I came to the conclusion that the resurrection of Jesus is historically accurate in my eyes, and I believe that it happened. I recognized that I'm a sinner and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior.

My life is really good, and I have received many blessings. For the basic things, I have a good mind and body. I have no conditions that are purely debilitating (I have ADHD and Autism, but even then I am high functioning, thankfully. So while I struggle a lot it also comes with strengths that still allow me to live independently). I have a lot of friends who love me a lot. My family loves me too. I am healthy and financially stable. I even got into my dream college and I will be able to study my passion, game design. All this is to say that I feel like I'm very blessed.

People always tell me to thank God for all that I have, and I do. But there's two main things that kinda bother me when I thank God for my blessings.

1. (Big One) I feel like even though God blesses me, I don't know Him.

I still don't actually understand what it means to know God. People always describe it as a personal relationship with God. But realistically, what does that even mean? He doesn't talk to me or interact with me directly. I know we have the Bible as God's word, but I don't get how that's supposed to count as knowing God personally. I know about Him, but I don't know Him. I strive to study my bible and try to bear fruits of the spirit, but I can't get myself to believe that I personally know God. The way I see my "relationship" with God is like I view Him as a historical figure who I look up to, or I view Him as the embodiment of a moral code. I know that God is both of these things, but isn't He meant to be more than that? I don't know Marcus Aurelius because I read Meditations and practice Stoicism. I don't know Viktor Frankl because I read Man's Search for Meaning. I know of them, but I don't know them. I feel like I view God the same way, even though I'm not supposed to, and I feel awful about it.

Because of this, I feel a lingering feeling of insecurity when celebrating my blessings and thanking God for them. I am obviously grateful for my college acceptances, my loved ones, my life situation, etc, but God isn't a vending machine who I thank only for what He gives me. I'm supposed to pray to Him for who He is, not just what He gives me. I praise God in my prayer, but it still feels hollow because I don't actually feel connected to Him at all, just the stuff He blesses me with. I catch myself thinking "what good are all these blessings if I'm not connected to God, the one who's giving them to me? I don't wanna get caught up in so much stuff that I forget about Him." But I have trouble viewing Him as a person really. I've read all the books of the Bible with Jesus in them, and I still view Him as more of just a historical figure who I look up to than someone who I know personally. And people always talk about how you "hear God's voice more when you read the Bible" but that also makes zero sense to me. Because isn't that literally just how reading something everyday works? your thoughts tend to mirror the things you take in. To go back to the previous example, I'm not hearing Marcus Aurelius' voice when I read Meditations every day. My thoughts are just aligning with the information I take in consistently. That's how being human works.

2. I don't get why God blesses me with seemingly trivial things when people are out there being deprived of basic needs.

Why does God bother blessing me with not just my needs, but all of my wants, when there's people out there who are praying for just the most basic of things? there's people out there praying for babies in the NICU. or people praying for the ability to put a roof over their children's heads. or people in Palestine and Congo and Nigeria praying for protection from genocidal maniacs. Why does it seem like I deserve a college acceptance or good test results when people are praying for things like this? Where is the sense of priorities? I know that God often wants us to use our resources to help those in need, and of course, I plan to use my privilege to help others throughout my life. But no matter how hard I try, I'm never gonna be able to hold a candle to God's ability to heal and help people. I'll try my best, but the point still stands that no matter what I do, more people would be helped if God Himself blessed these people Himself.

Am I really meant to accept these blessings for relatively trivial things when people are out there suffering? And it's not even always suffering that builds character. I get that God can use suffering to build character in some people, but to me it seems like He only does it sometimes. Sometimes people get sick and form a new dependence on God and that's great. But sometimes people get sick and they just die. And leave a whole broken family behind, who can't cope with the loss. Some trauma makes people stronger, and some trauma leaves people mentally shattered for the rest of their lives. (Please keep in mind, I'm not talking about people doing bad things to each other. I understand totally why God lets this happen. If he interfered every time someone tried mistreating someone else, we wouldn't have free will. I'm talking about when horrible things happen to people without the intervention of another person, and it doesn't lead to spiritual growth. that's what seems so insane to me)

I know we live in a "fallen world" but honestly that's never made any sense to me. God is more than capable of reaching into this broken world and fixing things. But sometimes He does and sometimes He just doesn't.

And yeah, I get that a mortal asking to understand each little intricacy of God's plan doesn't make that much sense. It's not really possible. But so many things just seem to contradict God's character in the world.

This is where the cognitive dissonance sets in. I pretty much believe Jesus was raised from the dead. There's good evidence for it in my eyes. But that's one of the very few pieces of evidence of a loving, personal God that I see. There's so much pointless, non-interpersonal suffering that is in the world. And at least if I could feel a connection to God's presence, or if He implanted the knowledge of "I am God" within all of us, so that the fact is as naturally known to us as how to blink or breath, maybe I could abide until I go to heaven. But I just don't think I can do it. I want to remain faithful, because if there's even the slightest chance that the God of the whole universe loves me, it would be horrible to just ignore Him and leave Him. But I just have so much doubt. Why can't He be more obvious to people?

It's making me doubt so much. It's gotten to the point to where I avoid talking about it with other Christians my age. I've got a Christian bible study group at my school, but I've been avoiding bringing up these questions because I don't want to send people into a spiral of doubt like I am in.

I don't want to get so caught up in all the things this world has to offer while ignoring God. I just want to know God as a person. Not as a moral code personified or as a historical hero, but as a person, and a Father, and a friend.

I feel so tormented because I believe but I also don't. I just want peace with God

Just a warning, this post is gonna be kinda 50% ranting but also 50% genuinely asking questions. So I'm sorry if it seems a bit unfocused.

But lately I have been kinda struggling a lot with my faith. I'm an 18 year old young man. I came to God about 2 years ago after being a "cultural Christian" my whole life. I finally decided to start taking my faith seriously. I researched for months and I came to the conclusion that the resurrection of Jesus is historically accurate in my eyes, and I believe that it happened. I recognized that I'm a sinner and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior.

My life is really good, and I have received many blessings. For the basic things, I have a good mind and body. I have no conditions that are purely debilitating (I have ADHD and Autism, but even then I am high functioning, thankfully. So while I struggle a lot it also comes with strengths that still allow me to live independently). I have a lot of friends who love me a lot. My family loves me too. I am healthy and financially stable. I even got into my dream college and I will be able to study my passion, game design. All this is to say that I feel like I'm very blessed.

People always tell me to thank God for all that I have, and I do. But there's two main things that kinda bother me when I thank God for my blessings.

1. (Big One) I feel like even though God blesses me, I don't know Him.

I still don't actually understand what it means to know God. People always describe it as a personal relationship with God. But realistically, what does that even mean? He doesn't talk to me or interact with me directly. I know we have the Bible as God's word, but I don't get how that's supposed to count as knowing God personally. I know about Him, but I don't know Him. I strive to study my bible and try to bear fruits of the spirit, but I can't get myself to believe that I personally know God. The way I see my "relationship" with God is like I view Him as a historical figure who I look up to, or I view Him as the embodiment of a moral code. I know that God is both of these things, but isn't He meant to be more than that? I don't know Marcus Aurelius because I read Meditations and practice Stoicism. I don't know Viktor Frankl because I read Man's Search for Meaning. I know of them, but I don't know them. I feel like I view God the same way, even though I'm not supposed to, and I feel awful about it.

Because of this, I feel a lingering feeling of insecurity when celebrating my blessings and thanking God for them. I am obviously grateful for my college acceptances, my loved ones, my life situation, etc, but God isn't a vending machine who I thank only for what He gives me. I'm supposed to pray to Him for who He is, not just what He gives me. I praise God in my prayer, but it still feels hollow because I don't actually feel connected to Him at all, just the stuff He blesses me with. I catch myself thinking "what good are all these blessings if I'm not connected to God, the one who's giving them to me? I don't wanna get caught up in so much stuff that I forget about Him." But I have trouble viewing Him as a person really. I've read all the books of the Bible with Jesus in them, and I still view Him as more of just a historical figure who I look up to than someone who I know personally. And people always talk about how you "hear God's voice more when you read the Bible" but that also makes zero sense to me. Because isn't that literally just how reading something everyday works? your thoughts tend to mirror the things you take in. To go back to the previous example, I'm not hearing Marcus Aurelius' voice when I read Meditations every day. My thoughts are just aligning with the information I take in consistently. That's how being human works.

2. I don't get why God blesses me with seemingly trivial things when people are out there being deprived of basic needs.

Why does God bother blessing me with not just my needs, but all of my wants, when there's people out there who are praying for just the most basic of things? there's people out there praying for babies in the NICU. or people praying for the ability to put a roof over their children's heads. or people in Palestine and Congo and Nigeria praying for protection from genocidal maniacs. Why does it seem like I deserve a college acceptance or good test results when people are praying for things like this? Where is the sense of priorities? I know that God often wants us to use our resources to help those in need, and of course, I plan to use my privilege to help others throughout my life. But no matter how hard I try, I'm never gonna be able to hold a candle to God's ability to heal and help people. I'll try my best, but the point still stands that no matter what I do, more people would be helped if God Himself blessed these people Himself.

Am I really meant to accept these blessings for relatively trivial things when people are out there suffering? And it's not even always suffering that builds character. I get that God can use suffering to build character in some people, but to me it seems like He only does it sometimes. Sometimes people get sick and form a new dependence on God and that's great. But sometimes people get sick and they just die. And leave a whole broken family behind, who can't cope with the loss. Some trauma makes people stronger, and some trauma leaves people mentally shattered for the rest of their lives. (Please keep in mind, I'm not talking about people doing bad things to each other. I understand totally why God lets this happen. If he interfered every time someone tried mistreating someone else, we wouldn't have free will. I'm talking about when horrible things happen to people without the intervention of another person, and it doesn't lead to spiritual growth. that's what seems so insane to me)

I know we live in a "fallen world" but honestly that's never made any sense to me. God is more than capable of reaching into this broken world and fixing things. But sometimes He does and sometimes He just doesn't.

And yeah, I get that a mortal asking to understand each little intricacy of God's plan doesn't make that much sense. It's not really possible. But so many things just seem to contradict God's character in the world.

This is where the cognitive dissonance sets in. I pretty much believe Jesus was raised from the dead. There's good evidence for it in my eyes. But that's one of the very few pieces of evidence of a loving, personal God that I see. There's so much pointless, non-interpersonal suffering that is in the world. And at least if I could feel a connection to God's presence, or if He implanted the knowledge of "I am God" within all of us, so that the fact is as naturally known to us as how to blink or breath, maybe I could abide until I go to heaven. But I just don't think I can do it. I want to remain faithful, because if there's even the slightest chance that the God of the whole universe loves me, it would be horrible to just ignore Him and leave Him. But I just have so much doubt. Why can't He be more obvious to people?

It's making me doubt so much. It's gotten to the point to where I avoid talking about it with other Christians my age. I've got a Christian bible study group at my school, but I've been avoiding bringing up these questions because I don't want to send people into a spiral of doubt like I am in.

I don't want to get so caught up in all the things this world has to offer while ignoring God. I just want to know God as a person. Not as a moral code personified or as a historical hero, but as a person, and a Father, and a friend.

I feel so tormented because I believe but I also don't. I just want peace with God