u/fiiizzgig

Hi!! So trigger warning for SA(i think?) and mentions of beastality, incest and pedophilia! Sorry this is a long post, i just needed to rant :(

So I had my first every boyfriend, I’m 19M and he’s 23M. When we met, i was 18. He was my first kiss, first everything. But I had to breakup with him, he had admitted very, very disturbing things and did many actions that continuously crossed my boundaries.

Our first problem was that he was very co-dependent. He always had to be on the phone with me, know where I was, if i was with anyone and things like that. He even got very upset when I got a job since he couldnt talk to me as much, which sucked since its my first job and I really, really love it. I tried talking to him about these issues, but he never changed.

Our next problem was when he asked for a threesome with my best friend. I forgave him and pushed it aside. But this isn’t even the worst. Everynight he was over, i would wake up multiple times in the night to him touching me, i would groan and push his hand off away just to be woken up again an hour later. Every single night. If it was a night out and i was drinking? Even worse, since he knew i was more likely to sleep through it or allow it. (Later admitted to a rape kink)

He also admitted to very, VERY disturbing things like beastality, incest and that he had a crush on an 8 yr old and fantasized about it sexually when he was 14-16. I tried to just tell myself he was lying, it was for shock value and he was just testing me, to see how much i love him. (He often did tests like that)

But one night I couldn’t do it anymore. We played a drinking game, our friend was over and he was having silent tantrums all day over small things. (For example, he got mad i didnt make eye contact while i was mid cleaning up a spill, or he was mad that i didnt heart react to all 27 messages he sent me while he were in the same room, or he was mad that i wasnt making direct eye contact (i struggle with it, and he knew this. But i was always listeninng.)

I was sleeping when he attempted to touch me again with our friend sleeping right next to us. I tried to remove his hand but he tensed up and refused to move away, even after i was pinching his arm and saying no. I was then blamed for leading him on. How? I have no clue. He often did things like that, sometimes he would only stop when i started bleeding and excuse it by saying he was hypersexual.

After that night, I broke up with him. He was put mental hospital after trying to commit and self harming. During that, he was calling our friend asking about my whereabouts and such from the phones at the hospital. All his friends have texted me, showing support and saying that he has always been a lot to handle, what he did was horrible etc, etc.. I’m upset he even shared our business, i hate all these people now calling me a victim. I know they have good intentions, but i do not consider myself a victim. I dont want to have that problem, i dont want to forever be turned off by intimacy or anything like that. I dont want HIM to be the reason im broken.

Im so upset, maybe im young and dumb but i really do feel like he was my first love. He was my first relationship and now i just feel like shit. I hate him, hes into animals, his own sister and possibly children. Hes sick in the head and he can rot in hell. But at the same time, i miss him. Or i miss the version i convinced myself he was, or wished he was.

I hate him so fucking much, but i want to crawl into his arms, and wish he never did those bad things, or confess to those disgusting actions. This sounds mean, but i just wish he was mentally stable. And had a.. normal brain? And didnt do the things he did.

Two days ago, he got out of the hospital. He was texing me a lot, saying he cant get over me and still loves me and misses me. He was also publicly posting about our breakup and his attempt, in a way publicly blaming me for it. So i blocked him, since i couldn’t handle that stress anymore. He lost his shit, called me a billion times, and even was calling my mother. I answered his call before i blocked his number and he was a very, very scary person in that call. Blaming me for his attempt and self harm and i tried to explain to him i broke up with him not even just over the SA but his disturbing confessions, but he refused to take accountability and said because of me he has no friends. His friends had texted me first, its not my fault they saw through his bullshit :(

Does anyone have any advice? :( i dont know where to go from here. I am so anxious and honestly worried for my safety, since he always shown an interest in serial killers like jeffery damher and john wane gacey. I might be reaching, but ive never heard anyone sound so aggressive in my life. Or just scary. I was able to hear him slipping and it scared me, since hes always been impulsive.

Hi!! So trigger warning for SA(i think?) and mentions of beastality, incest and pedophilia! Sorry this is a long post, i just needed to rant :(

So I had my first every boyfriend, I’m 19M and he’s 23M. He was my first kiss, first everything. But I had to breakup with him, he had admitted very, very disturbing things.

Our first problem was that he was very co-dependent. He always had to be on the phone with me, know where I was, if i was with anyone and things like that. He even got very upset with me when I got a job since he couldnt talk to me as much, which sucked since its my first job and I really, really love it. I tried talking to him about these issues, but he never changed.

Our next problem was when he asked for a threesome with my best friend. I forgave him and pushed it aside. But this isn’t even the worst. Everynight he was over, i would wake up multiple times in the night to him touching me, i would groan and push his hand off away just to be woken up again an hour later. Every single night. If it was a night out and i was drinking? Even worse, since he knew i was more likely to sleep through it or allow it.

He also admitted to very, VERY disturbing things like beastality, incest and that he had a crush on an 8 yr old and fantasized about it sexually when he was 16. I tried to just tell myself he was lying, it was for shock value and he was just testing me, to see how much i love him. (He often did tests like that)

But one night I couldn’t do it anymore. We played a drinking game, our friend was over and he was having silent tantrums all day over small things. (For example, he got mad i didnt make eye contact while i was mid cleaning up a spill, or he was mad that i didnt heart react to all 27 messages he sent me while he were in the same room, or he was mad that i left the room briefly to answer a call from my grandmother) I was sleeping when he attempted to touch me again with our friend sleeping right next to us. I tried to remove his hand but he tensed up and refused to move away, even after i was pinching his arm and saying no. I was then blamed for leading him on. How? I have no clue. He often did things like that, sometimes he would only stop when i started bleeding.

After that night, I broke up with him. He is now in a mental hospital and calling our friend asking about my whereabouts and such from the phones at the hospital. All his friends have texted me, showing support and saying that he has always been a lot to handle, what he did was horrible etc, etc.. I’m upset he even shared our business, i hate all these people now calling me a victim. I know they have good intentions, but i do not consider myself a victim. I dont want to have that problem, i dont want to forever be turned off by intimacy or anything like that. I dont want HIM to be the reason im broken.

Im so upset, maybe im young and dumb but i really do feel like he was my first love. He was my first relationship and now i just feel like shit. I hate him, hes into animals, his own sister and possibly children. Hes sick in the head and he can rot in hell. But at the same time, i miss him. Or i miss the version i convinced myself he was, or wished he was.

I hate him so fucking much, but i want to crawl into his arms, and wish he never did those bad things, or confess to those disgusting actions. This sounds mean, but i just wish he was mentally stable. And had a.. normal brain? And didnt do the things he did.

Does anyone have any advice? :( i dont know where to go from here