u/fireflies315

This isn’t a “oh I’m too far gone there’s no hope thing”, while it’s not like I’m okay mentally I think I could probably be a lot more fucked up than I am from what I’ve been through. But I don’t know if there’s anyone out there who is actually equipped to help a trans person who physically can’t go on HRT ever (I have CAIS). Obviously transition is the treatment for gender dysphoria for a reason, and I don’t want to be like “we need to find ways to just live with dysphoria without transition” because that’s basically conversion therapy territory but I’m also kind of just left without options. I don’t need mental health support as part of medical transition because my body is incapable of transitioning how I’d want, and I’ve tried social transition and it didn’t really help much because most of my dysphoria is tied to my physical traits and how they’re gendered, and I’m very secure in my identity and don’t need help exploring it, so I don’t really know if there’s anything left in terms of ways a good therapist can be equipped to help a trans person.

And even for just the intersex stuff alone, I’ve had some pretty traumatic experiences at the hands of doctors because I’m intersex and carrying it all has been negatively affecting me for years but I’d also be apprehensive about talking to a therapist about it so I can work through it because I don’t want to have to be the one teaching a therapist when I’m there for their help. The only therapist I know of who’s actually pretty educated on intersex issues and mental health is my mom, so obviously that’s a no-go. I don’t want to have to give a crash course in intersex variations and intersexism and medical abuse in order to get help. Idk.

I’m getting my history degree and taking as much as I can about Canada in WW1 and every time I read cef I get activated like a sleeper cell agent and read it as Canadian Expeditionary Force before realizing that that’s stupid and why would we be talking about that on here

(Context I have CAIS) I know there’s no use dwelling on hypotheticals and ruminating on it only makes things worse for me and that nothings supposed to be it’s all one big random mess. But it feels like a cruel joke that it was a single swapped nucleotide in the entirety of my genome that came between me and being a cis man. It wasn’t even a mutation inherited from my mom like it is in 70% of cases of CAIS, the mutation happened to me and just me. I know that there is value and meaning in existing as a trans person but at the same time I know I’d be so much happier if I’d been cis even just because my body would feel right. Hell, sometimes I even wish I wasn’t intersex and just trans because at least then I could take HRT. It sounds stupid but I feel almost cheated, like I was so close and then the universe said fuck you. Idk this is just a dysphoria rant

Intellectually I know that in practice these people like to assign a sex and gender to intersex people based off of what best hurts us, not based on any real consistent reasoning, and that my own gender doesn’t mean that women with CAIS are any less women, but sometimes it feels like I’m just proving them right by being a trans man, like I’m an example they can point to and say “look, they’re all really males”.

And this is going to sound stupid but I’m going to say it, don’t be weird about it or accuse me of “clinging to my AGAB” or some shit because I will vaporize you with the fungus, but it’s painful and feels like something is being ripped from me when they say people like me can’t be women. Not because I am a woman, but because it’s something I should get to reject for myself without idiots trying to rip it from me. I’m not a woman, but womanhood should be mine to reject.

Idk maybe it’s because I’m stubborn and contrarian but I almost wish I could prove them wrong, tell them that I’m a woman with XY chromosomes and they can suck it. But I’m not, I really am a man.

Idk it just sucks. I need a better outlet because I just stew and get angry over it but yeah.

DON’T CAREEEEEE I didn’t even headcanon Mulan as trans but now I want to do it out of spite. God forbid a trans man see himself in a character. “You’re taking away women’s representation” again don’t care, trans men are infinitely less represented than cis women and also the original Mulan or whoever still exists. The evil trans men aren’t stealing them from you oh my god

For context I have complete androgen insensitivity syndrome, so T is never going to work for me. I’ve been on the fence about coming out to my parents for a while now. I want them to know and I think it would help explain a lot about me, and I know they’d be supportive (when I first got diagnosed with CAIS my mom straight up asked me if I’d be happier as a boy and it was fine if that was the case, but I didn’t want to deal with it at that point so lied and said no), but I feel like they’d assume I was coming out as a first step in transition and idk how I can tell them that even though I’m a man and would be so much happier if the world saw me as one, I’m probably not going to transition and will continue to live as a woman for at least the foreseeable future.

I think most of my dysphoria is around my physical traits and how they’re read and gendered, so I honestly don’t know if social transition would help me much unless I could also use T, which I can’t. I’ve tried socially transitioning in the context of some queer groups at my university and to be honest it didn’t really help my dysphoria much at all, because while I want to be referred to etc as a man a lot of dysphoria centers around me being read as a man. The idea of having to introduce myself and constantly out myself as trans for the rest of my life terrifies me, especially if I can’t have the body traits that I want. It sucks but it’s familiar to just keep living as a woman, at least for now.

But I’m just worried they won’t understand that, because idk if I fully would if it wasn’t literally me. “Yeah I’m actually a man and I hate the way my body is and that people see me as a woman and not a man but I want to keep pretending I’m a woman indefinitely because it’s easier and I’m scared and I’ll never have the masculine traits I want so badly anyways” sounds weird and stupid and it is but it’s how I feel and idk how well cis people are going to get it. Hell, idk if many other trans people will get it. But I do want them to know and I want to tell them so I have no idea what to do or how to prepare.

It's not that being seen as feminine doesn't cause me a shit ton of distress, it does, or that I don't prefer to be read as masculine and manly. The few moments where I've been able to look at myself in a mirror and see a man looking back have made me happier than almost anything else. But being seen as a masculine woman feels so shitty because it feels like that's all that I'll ever be, especially since I can't ever go on T. I'm not just a guy wearing a suit, I'm seen as a masc woman wearing one. I'm not just some guy dressing like every one of my friends, I'm seen as a masc, or worse, a pick-me girl who dresses the way I do and hangs out with men not because I am a man who has found cool people that like me and think I'm all right to be friends with, but rather for "male validation". At least when I try to pretend to just be a regular woman, in a way that doesn't get me seen too much as gender non-conforming, it feels like a costume that I can take off. And its honestly socially easier. Though it does come with its own problems in that I'm autistic and can't fully get it right. But still. It feels better than being seen as a woman trying to be masculine when all I want is to just be a normal guy.

The Horrors

“Yeah well what about in horribly misogynistic and patriarchal places” yeah, guess how trans men are usually gendered in these environments and how they don’t tend to be very cool with the concept of “women” deviating from patriarchal expectations. And even beyond that there are quite a lot of people cool with cis women that are not cool with trans men, would it kill them to put down their emotional support “transphobia but it’s fine because I’m punching up at men” for a moment

Where it’s like I want to be your wife. I hate the idea of being a woman and being a wife and I’m a man but I wish I could’ve been his wife. I’m a sad pathetic loser who would do shit for love ok. But it would never happen anyway because he’s gay. I think. I’m 99% sure which is weird since he used to be my best friend and you’d think I’d know that. But anyway he saw me as a woman since I never came out to him. And as a little sister figure. And even none of that matters since he fucked off to join the army in Quebec. Excuse me while I go cry now sorry if this is nonsensical I’m drunk as fuckkk I wish I could’ve been his husband so bad it hurts

The comments on a video I saw recently of a woman talking about her CAIS pissed me off so badly recently because they were just full of cis perisex women going on and on about how she was living the dream and they were so jealous of her body and everything. And yes it’s fine that people don’t want periods or don’t like acne, that’s understandable and fine. To an extent I’m glad I don’t get those (though it did upset me a lot growing up because they felt like a club and rite of passage I was told I’d be a part of and then denied entry to). But it’s just so gross to wax poetic about how jealous you are of a minority group subject to a shit ton of oppression and violent medical abuse. They don’t even realize how ignorant they’re being and can’t comprehend how traumatizing and horrific the things that we routinely face are. They want to pick out and consume the palatable bits of us for themselves and don’t care to see us as people in pain.

And the thing is, most of these things they’re jealous of are things they can have for themselves! I’m not saying it’s easy or that medical misogyny isn’t a thing, but they can choose not to have periods via hysterectomy or birth control. They don’t have to make us a part of it. They actually get a choice and we don’t. Again so no one misinterprets me I’m not saying that this is easy or that this kind of care isn’t heavily policed and becoming increasingly difficult to access. It’s just not a choice for me and it comes with baggage they don’t even know is there.

Being intersex is of course not a bad thing and we’re not broken, my intersex variation is normal and natural, and while sometimes I don’t like it because it stops me from transitioning, it’s still a fine body to have. But it’s also true that society has irrational issues with my body, and that that has caused me to suffer. And I know these women wouldn’t want to suffer the way I have. But they don’t see the suffering. They see a body that has something they want and don’t care to learn about what comes with it or what we think of their fetishization of our bodies. It’s infuriating.

Is that I can’t stick it in 19th century artillery:(

Following a few trans people as a cis person is awesome and good of course but if you’re following exactly nine hundred and eighty six million trans creators as a supposedly cis person it’s a wee bit of a tip off, yknow. And I’ve seen this go both ways, girl I knew from high school ended up being the coolest nicest trans woman alive and a guy I knew from high school ended up being a chaser who asked me out a total of five times over the course of two years (I was lonely and wanted friends at the time so I let him stick around longer than I should’ve) and lowkey fetishized me for being intersex as well. Currently keeping tabs on a guy I work with, I suppose time will tell if he’s actually an egg or goes down the path of Evil.

I can’t cast too many stones though, living in my glass house with my trans gym bro instagram reels

I saw my younger brother for the first time in a month and a half yesterday and got hit with this wave of jealousy and grief for what I don’t get to have and who I don’t get to be. It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing what I could’ve had. And it feels stupid and gross because here I am getting jealous at a 16 year old kid for getting to have a deep voice and getting to start growing facial hair, and it’s not something that I can really try to brush off because he looks like me and I can see my features in his, or what my features could have been. But it just feels so stupid and shameful to be trying not to cry because my younger brother came home from summer camp with wisps of facial hair.

It was almost made worse yesterday because I think I passed while buying a 7.50$ bottle of water at a baseball game yesterday but I could just tell from the way the concession guy talked to me he thought I was in my early teens. I’m Canadian, I know the difference between being called a ‘this is just another guy’ bud and a ‘hey there little guy’ bud. I’m a 20 year old grown man. I’d kind of rather be read as an adult woman than a 13 year old boy sometimes to be honest.

I’m scared if I ever actually commit to transition I’ll just be read as a kid, and I don’t know if it would actually alleviate much dysphoria because my dysphoria is so physically based, I do get social dysphoria but just being referred to be he/him or as a man doesn’t help much because a lot of it revolves around other people’s perception of my physical traits and how/if that adds up to them just perceiving me as a man. So a lot of my social dysphoria stems from how others see my body if that makes sense.

And just to head off anyone telling me that getting on T will help, trust me I would if I could and I desperately want it, I want what T could give me, but I have CAIS. So unless we work out CRISPR to fix my androgen receptor gene within my lifetime, it’ll never work on me. And I know there’s facial masculinization surgery and voice training and all that yadda yadda yadda but I honestly don’t really want 100 workarounds. I just wish I could use T. Or honestly just be cis. I know fuck cis people and everything but it still just feels like a cruel joke that the only thing between me and being a cis man was a single premature stop codon. Shit sucks.

It’s probably just because of the dynamic in the group we have, there’s only one guy in this group that I think suspects I’m trans (because I’ve gotten drunk and said vaguely suspiciously trans things to him a few times now and he’s also trans), so I’m pretty sure this guy just sees me as a woman with a brotherly dynamic. Which I guess we do have given the context we’re friends in. But I feel so mixed about it because on the one hand hell yeah we’re brothers. But on the other hand he doesn’t know and I feel like a fraud, I want to be one of the brothers as a man so fucking badly.

And I know he’d be cool with me if he knew I was a man, but I’m too much of a coward to commit to social transition when I can’t medically transition how I want because of intersex shit. This sucks ballsssssss

Now imagine I said something funny to stave off the getting vulnerable with it anonymously online

Normal video of a woman with CAIS talking about the effects that CAIS has on your body while running, oh nice, yeah I have all of this too except I’m not a woman I’m a trans man, let’s look at the comments!

Real and actual quotes:

“So you won at life basically” yeah the horrific medical abuse and discrimination is a win! Aren’t I the luckiest duck for getting sexually assaulted by my gynaecologist and also having to have fought at the age of 16 to stop them from taking my balls.

“No smell, no armpit hair, can’t get knocked up, no period cramps, still get to be a pretty girl… so BLESSED?!??” I will obliterate you with my transgender who has CAIS beam. I do not in fact get to be a pretty girl I get to be a deeply uncomfortable man

“Many women would say you’re livin the dream!” I’m losing it I’m losing it I’m going to become The Joker

The comments:

I love my job and idk it’s nice to be recognized for achieving shit but I’m so tired of being the first “woman” to do certain things, I feel like such a liar and a fraud and like I don’t belong. The other day I helped lead the first “all women” crew for something (my job is pretty niche so I don’t want to get too specific but it’s historically very dominated by men) and we’re going to be recognized for it and everything but god it feels so shitty when I know deep down I’m actually a man. Last year I got chosen for a cool position, but same thing, I was the first “woman” to do it. It’s nice to be recognized but I just want to be another guy doing cool stuff.

There’s also more and more women joining my group every year which is incredible, don’t get me wrong, but I almost miss when there were more guys so I could tell myself I was just basically one of the guys instead of just being part of the group if that makes sense. Idk that sounds shitty and it probably is shitty but I feel like I have to get it off my chest.

Anyways yeah I hate achieving things as a woman, I don’t want to be recognized as the first woman for any of this, I want to be just another guy doing it.

First, be upset that your cis guy friend that you have a massive crush on is probably straight, and there’s no way you could be together as your true self since you’re not actually a woman.

Then, once you’ve gotten comfortable with that, and are a year and a few months into this years-spanning crush, realize with 97% certainty that he’s gay, but also then think that he still probably would never be into you because you’re a trans man who will probably never pass and also you’re not out as a man to any of the people in that part of your life.

Then, two years in, realize it doesn’t really matter anyways because you don’t work with him anymore and he’s fucked off to Quebec and at best you’ll see him like once a year from now on and things will never be the same with your friendship, and also everyone tells you he probably saw you as a little sister anyways. And also a lot of these people don’t really like him for valid reasons because he could be kind of an asshole to a lot of people except you. But you’re autistic and so is he and you feel like he’s one of the only people who really understands how you tick.

Then cry because you feel like a stupid middle schooler and you just want to be over him already and you wish desperately that you could’ve been a cis man because maybe then he’d have seen you how you saw him. And you lowkey need therapy because this isn’t healthy but you’re trans what else is new.

Fuck your stupid trans life. Cry even more because your jerk about the situation turned out to be far less abstract and funny than you thought it would.

Having feminine features causes me great distress and dysphoria. I really want to look more masculine but I don’t know what to do since T won’t work for me. I just want to stop looking like a woman.