My Beautiful Ruin ( Poem )
We’ve met once before
About 10 years or so ago
Was it dating apps…
Or a friend of yours ?
I was still a kid, a boy
And you were rocking bangs
A bit un-uniform
Went out for a beer or two
A date we labeled it,
But both wanted nothing more."
And time passed over
Each and every soul
You were 10 years with someone
While I was with many more
’26 came along
But none of us knew what was in store
We met just like before
On a dating app, but this time it was more
At 1st you didn’t know
I did, but was ashamed.
Ashamed off the “Me” you got to know
A “Me from long before
A “Me” who was no more
We talked and vibed
We clicked and laughed
All via that blasted dating app
But the past caches on
And the memories from before
Came back smashing down the door
You were happy and surprised
I was something new, you couldn’t recognize
We talked for 2 days and set up a trip
To a new city by train we will go and meet
Rocking those bangs un-uniformed
You looked the same, but there was more
We got close, we got deep
Soon a relationship started to creep
You called me “husband” and a dream
I cooked, I cleaned, I was consistent
Kissing and massaging your back and feet and soul
But the dream soon faded
As the snow appeared
You were scared you’ll hurt me and had to leave
There’s nothing you can do to me
That I have not already done to myself
But as I said those lines, you already finished yours
And soon went right out the door
1 week of silence
But you came back
Thought you still loved you Ex
But it wasn’t that
Arms wide open, I took you back in
Called yourself stupid
And that you’ll never leave
Told you it’s alright, you’re home now
Let’s eat, drink and smoke some weed
Snow started to become routine
3 - 4 days were amazingly good
And then you’ll slide right down the hill
For at least 2 days unseen
1 more week without a word
Yet you came back just as before
Told me that you didn’t want to hurt me
And that from the way we communicate
This relationship could work and grow
You said love was just a season and you need to feel it 1st
I said love is what you choose, safety and stability so the love can grow
Now the silence is the answer
And the ghost has nothing left to lose
We opened up some more
And told you what has been done to me before
Asked you nicely after 2 uncertain weeks
To please not see my pain as a checklist
My birthday was coming up and this you knew
That no present was needed
Just to spend it with you
2 weeks countdown till I grew older
Time you used to become colder
You cut ties, didn’t wanna meet
Couldn’t respond simply if you wanna go out and eat
She wore her wounds like poetry
Said she couldn't heal the past
I gave her every piece of me
She gave me nothing that would last
From "you're the one I wanted"
To "I don't have space to stay"
Every glance I threw was wasted
On the one who ran away
Bday came and no word or sign,
17th was just another mourning day for me as there was none by my side
But you came back the next day,
With an empty cheering of happy birthday
And soon I’ll get to know
That the gift you had for me
Was to leave you be as nothing worked
That we have nothing in common nor subject to discuss
To respect you decision as there is nothing between us
Was rather amused,
While I learned you by the book
You didn’t even care to ask
If the checklist of my “pains” is complete at last
Told you to take care, be safe, be good
And it was then I finally understood
Why you told me you are scared,
Because change is frightening
And you knew I would eventually get there
Face to face with you
Had a lot of time to think,
Both together and alone
Dots connected by themselves to this story we once called home
And I could see the patterns and the things you thought you hid
People are usually scared of dark, as the journey is within
Even when my hand was there for you, just needed to reach out
You couldn't help it, couldn't decline
It's always better down the line
I’ve let my body learn to enjoy the fire
I know the rhythm now, dancing in the flames
Now the silence is the answer
And with every bump and blow
*E*very scar has found its way back home
Even though we're far apart
And even if we might never meet again
The Moon still hangs above us both
And the stars will shine the same
On the one I used to love and call my home
But I don't need to look back
For the ghost is walking home
Admitted all the work needed to heal
And promised you will do,
Even leaving snow behind
To find clarity and a little bit of you
Was just a gig and some fancy play of words
To get me off your back
While you were already on the dating app
Searching for a new toy
But your illness will remain
With every key in every hole
*And I'll carry no more weight, fear, want or pain*
*For the ghost is home, and the ghost is safe*