u/frankachu

like i find myself browsing through recoverytwt a lot and don't get me wrong, im happy for these people but I lowkey get sad and jealous of them getting to eat their favorite foods and experiencing food freedom again bc i know it'll never me 🥲 pathetic i know

keyword... almost

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I went on a trip abroad so I knew I had to lock tf in and actually eat so I don't pass out and god, it felt so freeing just letting myself eat without counting and controlling my intake for two days :( everytime I let myself do that I keep thinking afterwards how nice it would be to be recovered and live like that all the time. but then the guilt settles in and now when I'm back home I'm back to my old ways, >!overexercising and abusing laxatives to "fix the damage" even though I know I'm not going to gain any actual weight from two days of eating a number of calories that non disordered do everyday!<

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it's a constant cycle, I kind of want to say fuck it and recover then I think about going through extreme hunger and weight restoration and yeaaah I know there's no way I'm going to do that. it's like I want to be recovered but without going through actual recovery, you know? I wish it could be that easy.

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at this point I just wish a health scare or smth would happen to me so I would be forced to recover because I know I'm never going to chose recovery on my own no matter how tired I am of living like this. and I am tired, very very tired.

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upped by intake yesterday to maintenance(well probably not but close to maintenance) and I'm spiraling already :(

I'm going abroad next week to see my favorite artist(hayley williams aka the actual loml) and i know it was a smart thing to do because i don't want to ruin my trip by fainting and feeling weak but holy shit my brain is constantly screaming at me and the guilt is killing me :(

concerts used to my favorite thing in the world and anorexia ruined it because now instead of being excited I just worry about having to figure out what/where to eat, worry about having to eat more and being bloated etc

i hate it whyyyy can't I just be normal

fr it's been a long time since a TV show hooked me up like this, it's actually making me laugh out loud and I'm grateful for that because lately I've been so depressed and miserable i can count on one hand the amounts of times i have laughed in the past few months

I started watching it like 2 days ago and I'm already almost halfway through s2 (I'm currently unemployed bc of my anorexia so I have way too much time on my hands lmao) and I want to keep binge watching but I'm forcing myself to watch 2/3 episodes a day because I don't want to finish it 😭

sorry this post is probably all over the place, hope you're all having a lovely weekend 🫶