u/fuellady

Husband thinks I rushed to moving to divorce too fast but I don’t agree. I suspected him of cheating about 5 weeks ago. Didn’t have solid evidence until a month ago and he confirmed when confronted 3 weeks ago that he was paying an escort for sex. I already knew when I suspected that I couldn’t stay with him. Sex with someone else, regardless who it is, is no go for me as we’ve struggled in that department for years, his issues not mine. Once I knew what he was doing for sure I had my mind made up and cannot imagine ever being with him in that sense again.

Over the past 3 weeks of him begging me to think about it and give it time I reached out to an attorney. Had a consultation Friday and signed paperwork yesterday (Tuesday). I’ve told him I want him out and don’t want to look him as all I think about when he’s around is that how could he could betray me like this, 21 years together. He’s had more sex with her in the past 2 months than we have in the past 7 years. I feel like he hasn’t cared or loved me like he claims for years and maybe I was already on the verge of ending it because he’s never around anyway and I’m basically the maid/mom taking care of household duties while he’s out with friends, frequenting strip clubs and having sex with an escort.

For some reason he thinks we can get past this. I feel like it’s a last ditch effort to “fix” what he didn’t want to admit has been broken for a long while. I told him yesterday I’d signed that paperwork and am trying to make it as easy as possible for him. Rather than serve him at work he can do pick up the paperwork and I’m not trying to screw him out of anything I just want him out of this house and away from me.

He came home from work super early today saying I haven’t loved him or I’d try to get past this. I don’t want to get past this. He’s had 21 years to show he loves me and hasn’t. He’s admitted to “thinking” about hiring an escort for years when I’ve always been willing to have sex with him just didn’t know about his kink. He’s never in this time thought about trying to get me involved or just watching what turned him in and being with me.

I feel like he’s never once considered me in any of this and maybe that’s why it’s so easy for me to say it’s over. I honestly feel like the past year I’ve started to fall out of love with him because like I said he’s not around, didn’t feel like he cares about me or sees me as anything other than a servant to do his laundry and make his meals.

I don’t think I’ve rushed this. I just don’t want to have to look at him anymore and since he won’t voluntarily leave that I need to make him leave. The only way I’ve found to do that is by actually filing for divorce. I was even generous imo and have it set that he just has to be out by the 30th which gives him a whole other paycheck to figure things out. I don’t want him here that long but trying to be a reasonable empathetic person.

Found you my husband of 21 years was paying an escort for sex. He swears this is the first time he’s done this, well he paid her 4 times he said. He claims that he’s coming clean now and that this is the whole truth.

I’m having a hard time believing this. We’ve rarely had sex over the past several years. Not by my not willing to but his unwillingness. He’s always said it has nothing to do with me, his attraction to me, whatever. I honestly thought maybe it was just low t or his weight.

Looking back I have a strong feeling he’s been doing this for years. He’s come clean about a kink he has that I didn’t know about and he thought I wouldn’t do. He’s also admitted to being addicted to porn. That and seeing a woman do his kink are the only way he can perform. So he masturbates or pays for it.

I know none of this really matters since I’m leaving him anyway. I just want to know if my thoughts are most likely correct.

I know it’s been asked before but I had a recommendation but I guess the guy is backlogged and can’t take me on for 3-4 weeks. Looking for a somewhat inexpensive attorney for divorce. This guy put the consultation fee towards the retainer. The only one I’ve contacted so far doesn’t do that so retainer plus consultation which is annoying. I’d go with someone who does non contested which is cheaper or file myself but I’m fairly certain he won’t sign and I want to make sure I get what Im owed out of this. I’ve basically funded most of our lives together and blew through a 401k to keep us afloat over the years. Anyone have suggestions for anyone who has a $5k or less retainer along with a $400 or less consultation fee? (Preferably consult goes towards retainer and not just an extra fee). I want to get it started asap and over as soon as possible. The filing is my main priority so I can get him out of this house. I’m working full time and don’t have time to contact every dang attorney in town to find someone!

So I 48f found out recently that my 51m (together 21 years) has been paying an escort for sex. Basically I had a weird feeling something wasn’t right (more so than usual) I put my old phone and tracked where he was going. The first night it was in there I found that he went to a random apartment complex that I went by the next day and knew wasn’t anywhere his friends would live so I didn’t know know but suspected. When I saw he was there for an hour I felt so sick to my stomach I went to bed before he even got home.

Left the phone in his truck for a week and also discovered on Friday and Saturday the following week he’s going to a strip club for 1-2 hours. I knew nothing of this. I knew he’s been before but I’ve told him in the past I just want to know about it. I didn’t know. Then again last Sunday he was at the apartment. I was working but left and drove there hoping to find something, outside entrance wouldn’t have seen who he was with so I called. He didn’t answer and didn’t bother to call back until he was leaving. I didn’t confront him right away, this was harder than I could have imagined. Our daughter had some things coming up and didn’t want to give her more anxiety with turning our world upside down.

Confronted him this past Tuesday, said I know about the strip club and more importantly the apartment and don’t bother lying if you were with a guy friend why didn’t you answer a call from your wife. He came clean, more than I really wanted to know honestly but whatever. Says he has an addiction/problem and a weird kink that I supposedly refused 21 years ago, I have no recollection of this. Basically he paid her to do that. We have struggled for years with intimacy. I want it but he doesn’t at least not from me. It’s been over a year since we had any kind of relations and he wasn’t able to complete due to being too drunk that time. The only time he wants to be with me is when he’s been drinking and honestly it’s given me an issue of my own as not being an acceptable partner.

He has cried, begged, pleaded, promised to change but I feel like I cannot get past this. I’ve overlooked the lack of intimacy and being responsible for everything in our lives for all these years, while continuing to have a full time job the whole time. He’s been unemployed off and on several times and does nothing to support me or our family basically other than what money he’s brought in when he is working. We’re also basically in financial ruins because of choices he’s made and his spending habits.

To me this is the last straw and I want out. He’s shocked that I’ve made this decision so quick but literally I knew what was up the first time I saw he was at an apartment (almost 3 weeks ago now) I just didn’t know who or details I guess so I’ve had time to stew on things longer. He swears he’ll change and do all the things to fix it but being with someone else to me is a deal breaker and I don’t see myself ever getting past it. I don’t want him in bed with me, to touch me and honestly feel sick most of the time he’s around. I’ve lost weight, am barely eating and feel sick when I do. I’m having trouble sleeping and am up for hours thinking about this and what he’s done with this girl who is not much older than our daughter. I’m literally disgusted by.

So I know and in my heart at this point want to call it quits and divorce him. I deserve better and have deserved better for years. I know I cannot be happy in this situation with him even if he makes changes to “help out” I cannot be with him physically ever again knowing what I know. Putting himself and potential me at risk for STDs had I not figured it out. Infidelity has been a no go for me and feels like we had this conversation years ago, if you want to cheat just leave first I can accept that.

Since confrontation he’s accused me of cheating and supposedly I sent a one word text while I was on a work trip that made him think I was cheating/texting someone else. I have no idea what he’s talking about, I have a drinking issue myself but have NEVER strayed or even thought about straying from our marriage. Also supposedly when he told me about his kink I told him if he ever wanted that he should get an escort. Again not remembering this as a conversation and as I told him I feel like I’d wanted to know if that was the choice he was going to make. Basically feels like he’s gaslighting me and just making excuses/accusations to make himself feel better. He’s also basically threatening his life at this point, that he’s going to end up drinking himself to death if I leave him. His words.

I don’t feel like I can stay with him just to save him from choices he made on his own without considering me or my feelings. I’ve said it over and over and want him out of my house. I can’t even stand to look at him at this point. He’s on the couch and I’ve realized I can afford to pay all the bills without his help. I’ve moved money to a separate account and intend on taking care of everything as of my next paycheck on Friday next week. He can worry about his truck payment and whatever he wants to spend his money on moving forward but I know he’ll have issues finding something with his background. We have a camper, it would be easiest for him to find somewhere to take it and live. I can even pay the camper bill if I have to.

I don’t know if I have any actual questions. Maybe have you survived/moved past this kind of infidelity. Or how do you move past this issue with a potential now suicidal individual. I do care about him I just can’t continue to be with him. I’ve been basically unhappy for years and just accepted that was my fate but I cannot accept betrayal on this level. What kind of example am I setting for our daughter if I just let it go. I didn’t/don’t deserve this and I WANT/NEED to happy.
Also I’m torn, I was going to file for divorce this coming week. If I start that process I cannot sell our house, that we are behind on and almost to foreclosure. It takes 60 days minimum for divorce. So do I move to sell first then worry about divorce??? I was going to divorce first and sell 2nd hoping with the divorce I recoup some of the money I’ve dumped into our relationship (cashed out retirement and retirement loans to save us in the past) and hopefully afford a down payment on something for my daughter and I. I know I can afford our bills minus his insurance and truck payment on my own. He thinks I’m lying and he can’t afford anything by himself. Again I feel like it’s gaslighting. He can’t afford to do the things he wants to do without my contributions but feel like that’s a him problem now and not a me/us problem anymore. No strip club and/or escort money. For years I’ve been the main income earner and could have survived without him. I can’t catch up our mortgage at this point but can live until I sell it and and maybe not continue to drown I debt. I have 4 judgments against me for unpaid CC debt at this point because of his spending habits and failed business that we could no longer make the payments on. Somehow they all came after me and not him. Maybe because it’s my name on the house and everything.

My husband 51m and I 48f have been together 21 years and it’s over. I recently found out he’s been frequenting strip clubs and has been paying an escort for sex. He’s begged and promised that he’ll change but this is not something I can move past.

I know this is new and I’ll eventually get past it but it’s in my head all the time. Im having trouble sleeping and eating, and I find myself just staring off in space sometimes. I had sometime to sort of process things because I knew about 2 weeks before I confronted him. But now that I have and I know for sure I’m utterly devastated.

We’re in financial ruin right now and I’ll have to sell our house. (Yet he paid $100 each time to this girl, who’s only a couple years older than our daughter 🤢!). I’m going to have to sell our house. My credit isn’t great so I have no idea how I’m going to be able to rent or with any luck buy something if we get enough out of the house. My family said they will help how they can but I’m still worried.

Our daughter (20) starts college next week, she still lives at home, and I’m going to uproot her whole world. She’ll probably be okay, turns out she’s wanted me to leave him for a while. She says she knew I wasn’t happy with him and was basically his mother, and he was gone all the time. She’s even offered to help financially if we need something, she isn’t working but has some money my grandpa gave her saved up. I don’t want it to come to that.

I’m hoping maybe I’ll start to feel better once he’s actually out of the house and I don’t have to look at him every day! Any advice, suggestions, whatever are appreciated!