r/AskWomenOver40

.I do not believe I will be making a recovery from my illness, nor will I believe it will kill me outright, and so i will have to keep living while looking completely different.

My looks have in my estimate plummeted from an 8 to below a 5, no longer benefiting from pretty privilege in any way, and probably lost my shot at any partner I'd want due to my complete squandering any opportunities I had when I was beautiful. I truly thoight id be good looking until i was old. I am only 35 now and to lose all my looks at what I feel is still a young age hurts. know I sound vain and stupid but I was and or am, but there is no place for it now, so I'd like to hear any advice anyone has.

6 months before my 40th birthday, I left a dead-end relationship, moved cities, started a new career and got a new cat (not necessarily in that order. The cat came first). I immediately threw myself into dating, but quickly realized I wasn’t ready, so I stopped to focus on personal healing and building new friendships and community.

Since then, I have made a couple new friends, took up new hobbies and passions, and become fitter—both in body and mind—than I have been in a long time. But even as I actively grow my community, I still find myself doing most things on my own. And, while I am very comfortable being on my own, lately the prospect of doing yet another thing on my own, whether it’s going to a movie or shopping for groceries or just taking a walk, has begun to feel oppressive and soul-crushing.

Don’t get me wrong—I have a pretty good (if hard-won) relationship with myself. And solitude has long been a sanctuary for me. But lately, I just can’t seem to take any solace or peace in it. I am worn down by having to do most everything by myself, day in and day out. How can I find the joy of solitude again? Is mid-life womanhood just inherently lonely?

I’m 44 and I’ve become very socially invisible. Like when I am seated at weddings or family gatherings, I feel almost no one makes an attempt to speak with me, definitely not at length. And when I try to speak I am often ignored.

My friendships have dwindled, and I am not sure if this is the result of age or having small children. Like people see me often focused on my small children (6 and 4) and think I don’t want to have a long conversation or something?

Anyway, I feel pretty isolated. Even when I go out to socialize, it’s hard for me to actually find anyone to talk to. People are cordial but no one really inquires me. No one knows me anymore except for superficially. Wondering if anyone had similar issues and how they resolved it. Also wondering if it’s my age or having small kids. I’m not often out and about socially totally alone, but my social situation tends to be better when I am alone (rather than with my husband). People talk to me more when I am alone.

Sex has always been a bit of a tough one for my husband and I. He is my best friend and our relationship is full and love but I often find myself spinning about why we don’t have more sex or why it feels like it’s never more of a priority.

We usually have sex on the weekends. During the work week we both get up early, get home late for work and then are either making dinner or going to the gym or running some errand and suddenly it’s 10pm and we are too tired.

It seems to bother me more than it bothers him. I find typically when we are on vacation it’s much better but I wish we could find more spontaneity during the week and not feel like conditions need to be perfect to have sex. Generally he is very physically affectionate and touches me sexually a lot but the actual sex act itself is hard to get to for whatever reason.

Yes, I’ve talked about it with him and it has gotten better for sure and there are many good improvements but I still feel like it’s me mostly focusing on whether we aren’t or are having sex and whether it’s enough. And obsessing over this idea of what is “normal” even though I know normal is subjective and varies from couple to couple. I feel like I initiate 8/10 times and he is less likely to ask for
It or suggest it, although it does happen.

This morning it was on my mind. We hadn’t had sex since last Saturday. We had a bit of teasing this morning and then I asked to do it and he said in a bit. Then he needed to shower. Then he needed to make a snack. Then suddenly he was changed and said he was heading out to run errands and wondered whether I wanted to come with him or not.

My first instinct was to completely shut down but I was firm and calmly explained that I was feeling disappointed because I told him I wanted to have sex and now it felt like he was avoiding it. He said we could do it later but I had to walked away as I started to feel emotional and he turned around and left. I don’t know when he will be back and when I will hear from him.

So like… we have some big things to talk about and I’m scared as all hell because I cannot get this man to open up. Help me 😩

Use work tag cause it's mainly caused by and happened at work.

So my job requires constant interactions with my colleagues. I'm expected to keep an eye on everything, problem solving and making decisions for my teammates (juniors). It's not an official leadership position, though it functions like one. I feel like everyday I'd been working to exhaustion, but new issues keep coming and don't feel like i accomplished anything. I know it's a feeling due to constantly being pulled here and there to review and troubleshoot others' works for 10hr/day, but yeah. My brain is scattered and blank nearing the end everyday, i struggle to read documents after 6-7pm sometimes.

With the stress comes the self doubt and insecurity. During the day I'm effective and decisive, at night i got looped into rethink the day's social interactions and feel terrible. I have zero proof of all this, but i feel like I'm a terrible person, i do everything wrong, i want to crawl into a new city and hide there so no one remembers or interacts with me since I'm clearly just isn't good at socializing. I fantasizing of traveling because then i can be myself, with myself, and i like my company very much, plus zero expectations from anyone else. I'm planning a trip to Korea this winter, and idk if this is because i genuinely want to be there, or i just want to escape the pressure.

I guess my question is, how do i stop feeling like running away and hide from anyone who might interact with me? My goal this year is to go out and make connections, so you can see why this isn't helping. Any insight appreciated, thank you!

Im almost 41. Since graduating high school, I have always struggled with figuring out my path in life career wise. I spent nearly 17 years working in a feild I was never particularly happy with or found fulfilling.

I had my son in 2021, and with the support of my husband, decided to leave the work force for a bit to raise our child. When it came time for my son to start school fulltime, I began to make moves to get back into the work force. I really didn't want to go back to my old field, so I tried applying for adjacent jobs. I was very quickly humbled by just how much of a shitshow today's job market is. I was hardly getting any callbacks, and the interviews I got were for jobs barely paying a living wage. I contemplated going back to school, but not having the time nor the money for it and not really sure of what degree I would even pursue, I decided not to.

That's when my husband encouraged me to join the (Canadian) military. He's been serving since the age of 16. He was a high school drop out and a troubled kid and it completely turned his life around and has provded him with a stable and lucrative career all these years. I couldn't say no to something that would provide me with good pay, benefits, job stability and a pension.

So I found myself at boot camp as a 40 year old woman wondering what the hell I had gotten myself into. And here I am, 9 weeks later about to graduate.

I did it all, the 5am wake ups, the beastings, repelling down a 120ft tower, learning how to handle, detail strip and assemble a C7 rifle, getting tear gassed, sleep deprived, living in the field for 2 weeks eating cold rations, drill practice, you name it. I did it all along side people half my age and managed to keep up and absolutely kill it.

I didn't think I had it in me, but this has really shown me what I'm made of and I just feel so proud of myself and wanted to shout it from the rooftop. I've gained a self confidence and a self assuredness that I didn't have before, and I feel like I've finally found where I belong career wise.

One of the other amazing things about this experience were the few other 40+ women I met who did this along side me. We showed them that us older gals have still got it. And I feel like I've made friends for life in these women.

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read. It really is never too late to find a new path in life ❤️

I’m 37, single, childfree, and living in NYC. I’ve been going through a pretty lonely patch lately, and I’d love advice from people who’ve been through something similar.

I used to have a very close circle of 6-7 friends, many from my college Christian community. When I deconstructed in my late 20s, I eventually lost most of those friendships, including my best friend, and I’m still grieving that loss years later. Since then, many of my newer friends have partnered up and had kids, and I’ve also stepped back from a few friendships because of trust or reliability issues.

I’ve been trying to rebuild by reaching out to more peripheral friends, coworkers, game-night acquaintances, etc., but I keep running into the same problem: plans tend to revolve entirely around their schedules, or people say they’ll get back to me and never do.

Recently I almost needed a medical procedure that required someone to escort me home. A kind stranger from Reddit offered to help, but otherwise I would have had to hire someone. I cried when I realized that, not because there’s anything wrong with hiring help, but because it made me realize how thin my support system has become.

I still have a good life overall. I work, date, volunteer, see friends occasionally, and have family and people who care about me. But I don’t have anyone locally that I see or talk to with real regularity, and sometimes the loneliness hits like a real ache.

I’m trying to build more community and plan to join an interest group, though time is already pretty limited between work, dating, volunteering, health stuff, and getting around NYC.

For those who’ve experienced this kind of midlife loneliness, especially after losing an old social circle: what helps when the ache itself hits? How do you cope while you’re still in the process of rebuilding? I honestly feel so jealous of some of the people around me who have partners and great friends. It seems like abundance begets abundance, and I continue existing on the outside of it. (Also, I'm in therapy and have talked about this there too.)

I'm a bit over 40, single, childless, living in Europe. I'm trying to figure out where my job fits into my life now. I've always been extremely dedicated, but I feel like I'm past that stage. What would you do in the following situation?

I have over 10 years of technical experience and I've been in Big Tech for 4 years. My salary is very good for my part of Europe, though nowhere near what my US colleagues earn.

I'm looking around for several reasons:

1. Discrimination. There are a lot of sexist comments and similar behaviour that make me depressed. My (male) colleagues are clearly preferred by management. There's a lot of gaslighting, and it takes a personal toll on me.
2. Very long work hours. Working 10–12 hours a day is expected, with no predictability. Sometimes you're expected to travel on short notice and return late, e.g., at 8 p.m. It makes difficult to plan workouts and hobbies.
3. Unpredictable bonus. My bonus makes up about 20% of my yearly salary, and it's dependent on my manager's preferences and factors outside my control.
4. My cliff is coming. Due to the equity vesting schedule, I'll lose around 20% of my salary within weeks.
5. Stagnation in technical growth. I learned a lot in my first two years. In the last year, I've barely learned anything because my role has shifted into pure sales. I'm glad I picked up some sales skills - they're valuable - but becoming a full-time salesperson was never part of my plan. It doesn't align with my life goals and introverted nature. It's important to keep developing technical skills in tech, and I'm afraid I'm becoming obsolete.
6. Financial security. I'm in a stable financial situation that would allow me to soft-FIRE or barista-FIRE even now.

I have many interviews, mostly with startups or smaller organizations, since the pool of big companies is limited. They're interested in my profile but would mostly pay 20–30% less than what I earn now (I reject those offering 50% less). I'm afraid I'll face the same issues I'm dealing with now, just for less money.

I could also stay where I am and coast - I feel that mentally I'm just not in a position to devote myself to my job anymore, I hate it so much. (But I don't feel like devoting myself to my next job either, I don't feel like working anymore). Still it's difficult to fire people here so I could live like that even for a year, just increasing my savings. It's fair given how much I devoted for this job before. I wouldn't make a career but I would survive.

What would you do if you were me?

I 37F don't know whats wrong with me at this point.

I just got out of a 12 year relationship (married for 9). We broke up less than 5 months ago. I moved from the States to the UK 3 months ago. I have no job, looking for work, living on a small amount of savings, and trying to not lose my mind over what just happened.

I signed up for Bumble Bff to build a community. I've met amazing women and continue to do so. I messaged one guy just to say I loved his profile picture. It was so adorable, he was covered in huskies at a dog sanctuary in Thailand. I asked where this place was so I could go.

And bam. We haven't stopped talking since. We've been talking every day multiple times a day. I think he sees me as a friend but I CANNOT stop thinking about him. We've been sending each other voice notes about nothing. We've hung out a few times, went to dinner, chilled at a park (where he brought a ton of food and games) and tomorrow will be our third time hanging out.

He's not my type and I don't consider him physically attractive. However, his voice, how kind and considerate he is, is speaking to me in ways where I keep comparing him to my ex.

Now everyone in my circle is saying, dont do this. I know this is wrong. Its too soon. I'm not over grieving my previous life and my ex. But I want to fuck his brains out because he regulates me and I'm receiving validation. My ex didn't have sex with me for over a year before we broke up so I know why I'm getting these urges. But its also giving me a ton of anxiety because he has this much power over me while I know I'm vulnerable.

I keep telling myself to end it with this guy. He just sees me as a friend, hes still talking to his ex, and yet I'm obsessing over him. I keep checking my phone. I get restless if I don't get a message right away. There are insecurities creeping up. I want to build myself up before I share my life with someone again even if its casual. I want to be intentional about my values and who I let into my life. I also want to grow up and feel capable to handle my life after depending on my ex financially.

Has anyone gone through this situation and ended up worse off doing a rebound? Is it really true that it just prevents you from healing?

Hi there! I'm 29 and have always struggled to find comfortable office shoes. I have a pair of cheap, flimsy flats that on their last leg. I have no idea what brand they are (it's worn off) or where I got them (honestly it could've been somewhere dumb like Shein years ago).

I've done a search on this subreddit but I find most of the posts are about women's favorite pumps/heels.

Some info about me and my shoe preference/requirements:

• I'm not allowed to wear open-toe or open-back (which sucks because I hate wearing shoes at all - I like to let my dawgs breathe).
• A flat is definitely preferred but I don't mind a small heel
• I work in a hotel as a catering manager/event planner for our full-service conference center. I'm mostly at my desk, but do sometimes have to jump in and help the banquet team during busy days, as well as giving site tours to clients. Having flats that stay on my heel is a must, and it's a bonus if they aren't super slippery on a wet floor (my current pair is quite slick)
• While they must stay on my heel, I also don't want them to dig in to my heel.
• I'm not a very fashionable person, so I'm not one to spend much on clothes and definitely not on shoes. Budget friendly is highly preferred :)

Thank you in advance if anyone has a brand they love!

I (27F) just got dumped by a man I saw possibility with. We were only dating for 2 months, however, and it was the best dating experience I’ve ever had. He was: consistent, honest, respectful, curious to learn more about me, emotionally intelligent, mature, responsible, intelligent, and reliable. After an amazing two-night getaway, he texted me that he no longer wanted to continue dating. He later called me & we had a brief conversation that left me more confused and hurt. Now, I’m wondering how to mend my heart and remain optimistic and faithful that love will find me. I do not want to hate men, I do not want to close my heart to love, but I need help with strategies to remain open and available after a really painful ending to an otherwise lovely dating experience.

Today’s my birthday. I turned 44. Spent the WHOLE day in bed, just wanting it to be over. I have depression and it bottomed out today. I felt extra tired despite lots of sleep. It was an unexpected day of reflection — me wishing I had nicer things, looked more put together, had a perfectly appointed house, that simply leaving the house didn’t seem so arduous every single day. I have a great job but I don’t feel like I’m getting “ahead” in life. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to do this for another 56 years…but that seems exhausting and SUCH a long time. I don’t know how to maintain interest and excitement to last 56 more years. Or even 20 more years. I want to feel joy but all I feel is tired and disinterest.

I (21F) have been acquaintances/friends with a colleague from another dept (~40F) for half a year now. I feel we get along well and I look up to her.

Thing is, I have initiated all of our hangouts and conversations, and she's messaged me first like... maybe twice. However, she always says yes when I invite her, and when we do hang out, we have a great time and she texts me after to say she enjoyed herself.

I have no problems making plans. I love making plans. But my concern is that she's saying yes to be nice and I obviously don't want to be a bother if she's not actually having a good time!

For reference, I only extend an invite when it's convenient for her and I always give an out.

Is this normal and am I overthinking this? Someone put me out of my misery.

So! Just the other day, a v similarly-titled post in here had a lot of comments being like ‘every time I see a post like this it’s always someone whose life is way better than mine and it makes me feel crap’. I’m here to make all yall feel better… and to hear stories of those who have been where I am, and overcome! Cause I am truly, deeply in a bad place.

I’m closing in on the end of my time as a 33 year old. For some reason the leap up to 34 is striking me as particularly alarming. 33 sounds so youthful and sort of fancy-free.. 34 so undeniably mature. And I truly can no longer pretend to be still ‘in my early thirties’.

I won’t go into aaaall the gritty details but I’ve no career to speak of, am currently between houses (sort of homeless), been single five years, desperate to have another child but know my biological clock is ticking and it is realistically unlikely to happen. I’m clinically obese and the least fit I’ve ever been in my life. I have bipolar disorder, which seems mostly to manifest in grinding depression and mixed episodes. I have one child, who is the light of my life, and whom I coparent with my ex.

What I want most of all in the world is a home of my own and a chance at a family life again, and all of my friends are currently buying houses and having babies and the longing I feel for what they have is so strong it aches, and I feel myself pulling away from those friendships. I can’t really relate to my kid’s friends’ parents, who are all older (and also have perfect nuclear families with lovely homes). Nor can I relate to childfree people my age. I feel I don’t fit in anywhere. So, I’m lonely, too.

And I want to have a career. I was a driven, confident, high-achieving kid once upon a time, but so much stuff that happened in life just broke me down, and I feel like this very sad, lost person. Most scary of all, I can’t see myself in the future at all. For so long my life has just been about survival- living in poverty just getting by week to week, never able to think too far ahead. I don’t know where to even begin to go about setting myself up with a career, and often just feel like it’s too late and not even worth trying.

Basically, it’s a kind of rock-bottom… except I’ve been here for years now, and can’t ever seem to get myself out. So, there ya go: someone who truly IS incredibly behind in life for their age. Has anyone else been here, and gotten out of this sort of hole? How did you do it?

Hello lovely people - I'm so glad this community is here especially after the loss of my mom a couple hears ago. 47F and single. I have never been married just because I made a lot of bad choices in men and only really started to know what I want a couple years ago. Good timing right? In a world where so many people don't want to get married and so very many people our age don't even want to put the time into a relationship. While I could make another post about the lack of appealing, available men, lets just take as fact that there aren't many out there to choose from.

I have never thought I was a great prize for looks, but if I look back I can say that I wasn't bad to look at at all. And even 5-10 years ago my self confidence was pretty good in that area.

I broke up with my last boyfriend about a year ago - he wasn't giving me much for time and the time I got I had to really ask for. I took some time to get over it - it was only a 6 month relationship but I had had a lot of feelings. Then after the holidays I started dating apps again.

Long story short I dated one guy three times and I liked him a lot. We didn't have everything in common but I don't require that. Third date, after a very fun night at a comedy show and a couple drinks, I looked at him as if for a first kiss and he said ..." I have to be honest, I'm not really feeling..." And I said, thank you bye. I was not expecting this--this guy had reached for my hand several times for the first time that night...it was fun. A couple weeks later I met someone lovely with whom I had everything in common. He kissed me at the end of the date and it was pretty awkward. I didn't see it coming. I knew it would be better if we both slowed down a little but the next morning I got the no spark text. I am not resilient and so I gave up on the apps. Here's the thing: I have surely been dumped in the past but I always saw it coming. These times... I just plain didn't understand. My personality hasn't changed so I have to assume it's my looks.

At my gym, there is a nice man I really like (and I care not about the issues of dating someone at the gym) and he seems to like me. We usually talk for like 10 minutes unless we're on other sides of the gym or what not. But I can't bring myself to ask him out because I've dropped the most blatant of hints and he doesn't even seem to spark up about it so... I don't know and I RALLY can't take another rejection.

I do my best to look as good as I can - I have pretty good style and my hygiene is well attended to. Today I chatted with someone on Reddit in DMs he sent me a picture of himself and I sent him one of me. After I sent my pic he went quiet. I am here for advice but it's definitely not for suggestions to have better pictures I chose a pic that looks like me so if he isn't into it he isn't, but this man *I thought* was in my league just like the other two. This one today is what prompted this post, but this is a real issue for me and with work difficulties and perimenopause starting up the last thing I need is glaring self confidence issues. My heart hurts and I know that desperation isn't sexy nor is it a good reason to date, yet I'm in this cycle and it feels like everything is just getting harder and worse. Sorry this is so long - thank you for reading!

Hi everyone. I feel very depressed about this situation and need advice, opinions, wisdom, as I dont know how to go on...

In college I became friend with this great guy, so smart, good looking, interesting, funny, a bit quirky (he thinks he has undiagnosed asd). We cloked right away, finished each other sentence and both believe we were some kind of soulmates.

However, I never considered him as anything else then a friend. He was always in a relationship, or I was, and he never showed any sign of being interested, so I tought we were just friend material. He was also always clear he did not want kids, and I wanted children eventually. That was the only difference between us. We always had such a great time together.

Once, at the end of our bachelor degree, we were both at a party, sitting on a sofa, talking. Both single. I did not know this but this was a pivotal moment... nothing happened... However, I met a guy at the party and dated him very briefly so again, my friend and I bot continued our life on our own.

After the end of the very brief time with the other guy, I met the guy who I would spend 20+ years with, and who also became the father of my children. Sadly, the relationship started to unravel slowly and subtly when I became pregnant with my oldest. I did everything to hold the relationship together. he did not help with the kids or at home, started being demeaning, lied, never took responsability for anything. I asked for more help and he always turned things around, like I was too demanding, etc... I worked outside the home and burned out 3 times from the exhaustion of holding everythign together. I dont have very high standard in terms of houseekeeping, so it was not because I was wanting wverything to be perfect... I tried so many ways to ask for support, it never worked. I started to see a psychologist and she told it seems that I was being emotionnaly, psychologically and physically abusive since he once punched a whole in the wall, pushed me a couple of times, and threw a knive beside me once.

I realized she was right and started to detach on every level are I am now separated. I took years because he was not caring for our kids and I was scared he would neglect them. He was also always telling the kids bad things about me, land my psychologist and eventuallt my kids psychologist said he woule probably do post separation abuse and use the children to do so and try to take them away from me. I finally left.

Then, this winter, my friend from university contacted me. He was not doing well. In the last 20 years, he did is phd and 2 postdoc, was in a 4 year relationship that ended 10 years ago, but he never stpped loving his ex and as he said, lived a relationship in his head with her. They seperated because they both wanted a very different lifestyle and she wanted kids, not because of a lack of love. Last december he went to travel with her, she has a child now but is single, and he tought they would reconnect and be together again. He also realized that he did not mind having a child. However, nothing happened between them and my friend was heartbroken. He cried the whole way home in the plane and was so depressed that he had to take a leave of absence from work, and this is when he recontacted me. For months I went to visit him, we hung out together, talked, and I supported him and he started to feel better.

He was soon going back to work, and one day he confessed that he was very in love with me during those university years, and that I always stayed in the back of his mind... He told me that the night at the party, on the sofa, he wanted to confess his love but decided he did not want to loose my friendship. He told me later he was in fact very scared of being rejected. He even tought that by telling me this winter, that I would probably run and never want to see him again. The thing is, he he had told me 20 years ago, obviously I would have wanted to be with him...

I suffered so much in the relationship with my ex, it destroyed me, my self worth, I lost trust in my ability to make decision, my ability to see a positive future. Now I am just trying to survive the next years. It changed me completely.

After my friend told me this, I started to have intense crying sessions, and realized that if he had told me, I would probably not have suffered this much. He is the man I know who believe the most in equality bettween men and women and is the opposite of misogynistic. We have since started to be in a relationship, and he always says we are soulmates and are meant for each other. I love him deeply and I know he does too.

The thing is, being with him also always reminds me of the suffering with my ex, and its a deep ache. That relationship entirely destriyed who I was, rewired my brain, I have so much trauma from it but working hard to overcome it. I feel like I am mad at him for not telling me, because it would have saved me from so much suffering. I also find it ridiculous that he wanted to be with other women, but wanted to preserve our friendship... Over the years I was with my ex,a dn he was with his ex, we saw each other maybe once every 3-4 years...

I want to be with him, but for me the suffering I went through is cause in part by him not confessing... And now that I am destroyed, he wants to be with me and make me happy. I know I could have leaved the relationship with my ex earlier, but has my psychologist said, the abuse is often very subtle in the beginning, and I wanted to make it work since we had kids, so I stayed way too long and it killed me.

I want to be with my friend from college, but I dont know how to get over the fact that my life trajectoty would have been so different, and happier, I am sure, if we were together. He even told me he would probably have changed his ming about kids if we were together years ago.

How do I get over this? How can I be happy with him when I associate him with the cause of my suffering and being destroyed? I also find it puzzling that he was scared of being rejected by me but not others... My brain cant make sense and thinking about this just makes me suffer. I talked to him about this and he said maybe we should cut contact, and this would abviouly make me suffer too.

I wish he did not tell me this winter. e would have stayed friends. Like they say in old movies in wedding, speak now or forever hold your peace. Since he decided not to tell me 20 years ago, I feel he should have never told me. I dont know how to get past this to be with him. I know if I can get over this, we could be happy. If we are not together, and he goes in a new relationship, it will make me suffer too.

I really try to get past this, but it causes me lots of suffering and it seem to be getting worst with time. Like my brain cant make sense of this and I find it deeply unfair. I want to be with him, but I cant. I dont know what to do.

Over the years, he also knew I had problems with my ex, but told me he did not know what to say or how to support me so he just ignored it. It makes me doubt his feelings, because to me, if you love someone, you care for them...

Thank you for your advice and wisdom.

I'm 42. No partner, never married, no kids. I live alone. I lost my job a while ago, and while I did enroll in a six-month online course in Digital Marketing (which gives me some structure during the week), the weekends are brutal — quiet, empty, and increasingly unbearable.

This has been my life for years now. I used to be okay with solitude, even prided myself on being independent. But lately, I just feel like I'm slowly vanishing. The digital marketing course feels like a distraction rather than a purpose. I keep asking myself: What’s the point of all this?

And here's where it gets real: I feel like a failure. No career right now, no family, no children, no “big love” story to look back on. Just a collection of quiet days that look exactly the same. People say “It’s never too late” — but honestly, isn’t that just something we tell ourselves to cope?

I feel like society doesn't know what to do with women like me. If you’re over 40 and don’t have kids or a partner, you’re either pitied, ignored, or expected to be some “cool independent aunt” who travels and does yoga retreats. Newsflash: that’s not fulfilling either.

I'm tired of pretending I’m okay with this kind of life when, deep down, I feel like I missed the boat — all the boats. And now I’m stuck watching others live “normal” lives while I try to convince myself that personal growth and online certificates are enough.

Is anyone else out there feeling this way? Please don’t just sugarcoat it. I need real talk from women my age. How are you dealing with the loneliness, the aging, the regrets, and the sense that it might just be too late to change anything?

TLDR: A childhood friend has changed a lot after her divorce. She is dating a liar from a dating app that reached out to me when they were dating for 4 months but not exclusive. Since then we have grown distant. She wants to catch up but I feel the friendship is over. I’m not sure if I am being overly judgmental and harsh.

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I have a friend, let’s call her Sue. We go back to our early teenage years and got pretty close in our 20s. We both moved back to our hometown in our mid 20s and Sue suffered a really scary medical condition. I ended up being her caregiver and was by her side throughout as she had a falling out with her family. This sort of solidified a lifelong bond.

Over the course of our late 20s, we grew apart.
She got into a relationship with an older man, and I went to grad school then traveled the world. We still maintained a friendship where we would check in with each other and meet up about 1-2 times a year. She got married at 30 and moved away with her husband. I was the maid of honor, but the guy gave me red flags. He lied about some major things and as a concerned friend I asked how she felt about it and she said that it’s fine, it’s the time to get married as we were entering our 30s. Fast-forward 10 years, she got divorced. She says he was a narcissist and manipulated her.

About 2-3 years ago during an annual catch-up session with her and another friend, she started gushing about her online dating experiences. She told me about one guy in particular, let’s call him Bob. She said that she has butterflies thinking about him, they’re super connected and had been seeing each other for four months. He was recently separated, and she told me that he was still taking her to hotel rooms given his living situation with his wife 🚩. He even called her while we were hanging out and played the role of the doting love interest, wanting to make sure she was having a good time with her girlfriends. She told me that he said that he’s really crazy about her and once he moves out, he wants to make sure that he has all of her favorite things in his place. But they were not exclusive yet. Given my vast experience with dating in my 30s, I told her to be careful. About a week later, I randomly decided to expand my distance on hinge. Moments later, I get a long message from Bob raving about my physical appearance. My instinct was to delete the message and pretend it never happened but a mutual friend said that I should absolutely let her know. I sent Sue a screenshot of his message and her response was “damn but I guess I’m still technically dating too.” She asked me to respond to him and tell him that he looks familiar and ask if he’s dating my friend Sue. He said yes and then continued to chat with me, telling me I’m such a great friend lol. He immediately told Sue about the situation and she said she felt relieved because it means that he was honest with her. I never brought this up to her again, but after that situation 2.5 years ago, we have not hung out one on one. I have attended her birthday parties for the last two years and last year, a friend of hers brought up Bob at brunch, making a comment that he is so rich and will take care of her so she can retire early. She shushed her friend immediately. Then later that day she handed me her phone to take a picture of her and another friend, and I see Bob’s photo and name pop-up in a text. I ignored it, but figured she was still seeing him and did not want me to know. I had actually run across his profile about a year prior on the local Facebook group Are we dating the same guy. Someone had posted him, but I didn’t relay the information to her bc I assumed they were no longer dating. Not sure I would even share had I known that they were. Because I had noticed that he spelled his name differently with her, on hinge, and then on the Facebook group, I did a quick Google search and discovered that he had lied about his age by over a decade (late 50s rather than early 40s).

She reached out recently because she’s going through some things and needed my professional advice (I’m a lawyer). She made what I think are some poor choices that got her into a bind. She then suggested that we catch up because it’s been a long time. Then she asked if I would willing to do legal work for this guy in her state…she said she knows I am not licensed in her state and don’t practice that area of law. It was quite obvious she was talking about Bob because the help pertained to his very specific line of work in the state that he lives and wanted to bring him up? Or maybe imply be needs an attorney? I just responded no that I’m not able to help. But now I don’t really care to meet up with her. For one, I don’t want to hear about this guy at all and something feels off.

Idk if I am being judgmental about this or if I have just lost interest in her. Am I being too hard on her? I will say she has changed a lot in the last few years. She calls herself a “baddie” on instagram and constantly posts about her glow up and soft girl era. If I met her today, I am not sure I would associate with her.

This happened a month ago and I still struggle to get it our of my mind. In an unrelated app, I woke up one morning and I thought my husband was chatting on his phone. I asked him and he said he was on reddit, and handed me his phone without hesitation for me to be sure. We have always been very open with passwords on any device. I went to his work messages and found something that didn't feel right and hurt me deeply. It's nothing sexual, nothing like pet names or heart emojis, but his interaction with a female co-worker feels off. In a way that is not completely bad but at the same time makes me feel disrespected. In 2017 I witnessed a conversation between my husband and his best friend in which my husband tells him about this girl that has learned everything very fast and he sounds genuinely surprised and pleased by this.

In an old conversation, she makes a comment that she changed her hair color, they only see themselves in zoom meetings, she lives in a different continent. In regards of her hair, my husband replies "it looks nice (smile emoji)". In another conversation, my husband tells her she is "awesome"; specifically about this, it's important to mention that he has made comments to me about how easy to be a housewife is, that there are no due dates and basically I play with my plants and watch TV, he said.

In another interaction, she asked him how his family is doing, he replies with details on how the kids are doing, but there is no mention of me. This co-worker moved departments, and where the chat denoted she left that group, my husband sent a message that reads "Finally decided to ditch us? <super sad face emoji>". They talked about her reasons for leaving, he tells her how proud he is of her for advancing so quickly in the company, my husband says "I will miss our conversations", she replies "I will miss our conversations too" to which my husband gives a sweaty smile emoji.

He wishes her happy birthday every year, happy early birthday, happy belated birthday (their birthdays are posted in their group calendar). This is very much it, there is no sexual references, nothing that could clearly denote something else. But why does it hurt me so much? I can't stop going through those conversations in my head. We had a fight about it, and he says he treats everybody like that when they are close co-workers and that I am overreacting. Do you think I am overreacting to this?

45, been in perimenopause for about two years. I have been a pretty sexual person most of my life. I’ve always enjoyed it, desired it. Then one day, about a year ago, it just stopped cold. I miss the intimacy and the tenderness but absolutely zero desire. There is no motivation. Will it come back? I was on HRT for a bit for other perimenopause things, but it had no effect on that. This whole process has been hard for me, I feel like I turned into an old woman over night. I’m sad to think my sex life may be over too. So, will it come back?