Why do they put it all on the victims? Why do people believe them? Why is it so lonely to be a victim?
I hate it when people around them don't see them for who they really are. I hate that they seem like the perfect person, kind, working, talented... yet they're sick and harmful.
I hate feeling this way. There's one person I'm extremely jealous of. She's lived the life I wanted (family life, college, travelling, financial stability and freedom) while I am trapped broke, disabled due to mental issues in desperate need of therapy but not being able to afford therapy since I can't keep a job and life just feels miserable. I am stuck in a small shitty town with no friends since they all moved out... I have never been so miserable tbh.
I feel weird, disconnected from my partner since it started happening... I hate doing most things now and have problems with intimacy. Idk who I am anymore
I have been struggling with panic attacks and nightmares for almost 10 years now. At the beginning I didn't understand why it was happening, but as years passed I sort of figured out what it was, even though I denied it for a long time.
I understand *what* I might be remembering or getting flashbacks of, but memory still sucks and I immediately get a panic attack that deletes all my memory or "reboots my system." What bothers me is being unable to function, talk, and think during a panic attack. I can't keep a job anymore so they put me through tests and found me disabled and unable to work. I went to the mental hospital for help and it did. I was there for a few weeks and it did help me with my nervous system but it didn't help me with panic attacks. I'm getting them even more often now. Last night I kept getting woken up by nightmares and panic attacks. I believe they're not nightmares but memories resurfacing, I just react like it was a nightmare.
I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to do in this situation. I'm on my own barely keeping afloat, wanting to go back to my job I loved but being unable to because they said I can come back when I'll be better. This is not better. How can I get better? I'm miserable, constantly checking who's out to get me, constantly scared for my ass unable to go out and have fun. I can't live like this. I don't know what to do.
I am NOT looking for a diagnosis, I just want answers because my psychiatrist doesn't want to listen to me.
I have had the diagnosis BPD for years and I cannot relate to it at all and do not see myself having the diagnosis. I was recently hospitalised and spent a few months with people who were diagnosed with BPD and they function quite differently from me. Of course there are similarities with both diagnoses but I relate to CPTSD so much more.
I was raised by a narcissist so I understand why they might think I have BPD.
The difference is that I have flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, I function perfectly fine unless it's before my period (PMDD)
I also don't fear abandonment, I actually prefer being alone and don't trust people and have a difficult time getting to know people. I also don't handle change very well.
Also the thing is when I was a teenager and got the diagnosis I was impulsive, had anger issues and acted from being triggered constantly since I lived with my family. I am completely different living on my own.
I also dissociate because of repressed memories, especially after getting a flashback and the next day.
I have had bad relationships where I genuinely did think BPD suited me because I was mean and horrible but later found out I was just groomed by my ex (he was an adult in his late 20's and I was 15) so my outbursts were kind of justified to what he was doing to me but he made me feel like it was genuinely my fault to which I put so many negative symptoms on paper and then showed it to my psychiatrist.
I recently got hospitalised in a mental hospital and I noticed I get weird thoughts around new people such as "people don't want to sit with you because you're ugly, you stink or because they don't like you." I also get thoughts of people thinking I'm a horrible person. I feel like people just don't want to be around me and it always makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I hate having these thoughts and feelings and don't know how to handle them properly. If a person looks at me a tad differently I overthink it and think poorly about myself.
I can't live like this anymore. Any advice is appreciated.