u/getgetgetgetgetovrit

Another friend just announced their pregnancy. My little sister announced a fortnight ago. A fortnight before that we had our second TFMR, at 14 weeks. Six months before that we had a TFMR at 22 weeks, and I had to give birth to my sleeping baby. Before that was three and a half years of trying, IVF, and another early loss. How much more am I meant to take? We've been trying for over four years now. I've spent 43 weeks pregnant.

I've spent every month of the last four years trying. Trying to be hopeful. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to believe this time will be our time. Now we have to wait for genetic testing, because they still don't know why our two babies had conditions incompatible with life. After that will be testing our remaining embryos. Then more trying. More stress. More heartache. When we started trying none of our friends had kids, now we're about to be the only ones without a baby. I miss my son who was born at 22 weeks. I miss being pregnant with my daughter, who would have been our November rainbow baby. I just can't fucking believe how much shit life keeps throwing at us. It feels so cruel and unfair. I started trying at 30, I'll be 35 at least before I have my first baby now. I feel so old and tired.

I'm in therapy. I work out. I eat healthy. I've always been 'healthy'. I've always taken good care of myself, never been a smoker or a drinker. I do all the stupid mental health things. I'm just sick of it being so fucking hard all the time.

I lost my first baby last November. I delivered him at 22 weeks after discovering he had a severe CHD and would most likely not survive outside of my body. He was my first child, an IVF pregnancy we fought years for and I will be sad forever. I got to hold him for hours and picture his sweet face every day. They did a chromosome panel and found nothing wrong, and told us it was likely a de novo mutation and it was safe to do another transfer.

We did our next transfer in February, and once again my pregnancy seemed healthy, though with higher monitoring. After a clear NIPT and finding out we were having a little girl, we went for our fourteen week scan and immediatly knew something was wrong. My husband and I could both see the back of our baby's head was open. She also had no bladder and cycstic kidneys. This time because it was so much earlier I had a D&C.

I just can't believe it happened again. We thought she would be our rainbow. I feel so numb and hollow. They don't think the two losses were related, they think we were just unlucky, but we have to wait months now for more indepth genetic testing (trio WES) and then if they DO find something hope we can test our remaining embryos.

I'm 34. I've been trying for four years to become a mum and I've lost two babies. I miss my son, who I named and gave birth to. I miss the woman I used to be, full of hope and excitement for the next phase of my life. I miss the easy, carefree relationship my husband and I had. We're both so tired and sad. On the weekend we planted a tree for our son. We didn't know when we picked it up from the nursery that we'd be losing our daughter as well. How will I ever survive this?

I just had my second TFMR with a D&C the day before Mother’s Day - unsurvivable abnormalities on our 13 week scan that they think are totally unrelated to the ones we lost our son to at 22 weeks last November. My third FET and second pregnancy. It’s been a four year journey for us at this point. I still have frozen embryos but we will need to take a break while they do more genetic testing.

My question is just this - how do you keep going? What keeps you hoping after so much pain? How do you continue on when you’ve felt so close and had it snatched away? I’m so tired. My body is tired. Including a blighted ovum last year I’ve been pregnant for 43 weeks total now. I should have a baby, but it feels further away than ever.