Were y’all born yesterday? I don’t celebrate the 4th but closed my windows and turned my tv up. Damn this Reddit is full of transplants that love to complain about Long Beach.
So I (F33)have this guy coworker (M33). I’ve known him for a while now bc I’ve been at my job for almost 9 years. We work in different departments in a big public library so I don’t see him that often. We met when he first started and I trained him a little before he got sent to another floor. Anyway, we got along really well but I never found him attractive or felt drawn to him in anyway besides friendly co workers. One time he asked me out for coffee and I said yes. During coffee after a nice conversation he was bold enough to ask me straight out if i was down to have a “casual” relationship. I said No. I didn’t think much of it bc it seemed straight forward but not weird or aggressive. I was shocked but, not uncomfortable.
As I kept getting to know him and chatting with him here and there, we would gossip about co workers and he would tell me about girls he’s dated at work and out of work. There was a theme that kept recurring with some of these girls…. He actually didn’t have much luck with any of them. Some were just dates that went no where. But there was several times through out these years where he says “they hate me.” At first I didn’t think much of it.. I thought he was just some guy that doesn’t have any luck. But then I started realizing how desperate he was. It gave me the ick. But again, I would think “oh he’s just a bit of a loser that doesnt know how to talk to girls”. And I use the word loser and desperate bc I learned that he would go around to different girls at work doing the same “wanna have a casual sexual relationship” conversations. Again, I didn’t think much of it. Everyone knows him as this “dumb nice guy who is just desperate for connection”.
Anyway, today he told me something and I think he thought I was gonna have some kind of sympathy for him. He asked me how I got sober and I told him. And then he told me he’s done something fucked up. I asked him what??? Did you hurt someone??
He says “their feelings”.
Then he proceeds to tell me he took this other co worker home. They both had been drinking but apparently she was drunk and kept falling. He said she told him to fuck her so he did. But that he woke up and realized that he didn’t “rationalize it”. And that now she “hates him”. I told him I wasn’t gonna sympathize with him and I told him I would talk to him later. He said “are we still friends” and I said “idk” and that id see him around at work.
Idk but….. now I’m starting to think he’s a piece of shit nice guy that thinks he’s a nice guy. I actually don’t want to be friends anymore and I think I’m gonna avoid him. I got so grossed out. It was giving Bear from obsession. This loser ass little bitch. “Doesnt rationalize” that this girl cant even walk. And that she told him she felt like he took advantage of her. There are other icky things I thought were just awkward boy things but now I’m like ewwww……………..
The 4th card was me asking if he was going to reach out.
He’s a librarian and he’s soooo awesome!! He likes to go to opera concerts and from what I’ve heard he’s rich af. He’s super humble though; he doesn’t even own a car. He uses public transit 🥺 I wanna give him a small gift, flowers, snd maybe write him a nice letter saying how much fun it’s been working with him and that I want to be a librarian just like him one day! Anyone know of a small inexpensive and thoughtful gift?
We have a pug at my parents house that we can’t take care of anymore. She’s been with us for a long time and she was my sisters dog but my sister moved out and my parents cant care for her anymore. Anyone know of any pug rescues?
Where can I get good taro smoothie near rose park area???
Me and the guy I was seeing have been on and off for 2 years. Yes, we should have stopped trying a long time ago. He tries, it’s not good enough to make me feel safe. I try, it’s not good enough to make him feel safe. It is the classic anxious/avoidant cycle. I decided to end it again last night. Intuitively, I know this is not gonna work. we can’t get past the starting line.
I pulled this reading and would like some help.
My interpretation here is that staying friends can be a positive option. He used to always want to stay friends but I never wanted to bc I felt hurt. But this time around, I wouldn’t mind it. The 8 of wands comes has come oit a few times with him. Our relationship always starts and ends fast. But this time it seems like friendship can speed up the process of a balanced and healthy friendship. I don’t want to jump to conclusions and say this will lead to romantic feelings (knight of cups). But maybe a more compassionate and understanding friendship. Anyway, thanks in advance 💓
Yea so, we’ll see.
UPDATE: he replied and I asked him if he had a mental condition (im neurodivergent). And thing is, that’s why I’ve stuck around. Bc theres something going on (besides being avoidant). Hes gone out his way to show he’s trying. Not only does this feel anxious/avoidant but I’m starting to think this is an adhd/autism pairing that just adds a layer to already complicated cycle of attachment issues.
Good day everyone!
I’m looking for insight from our avoidant redditors in this sub. I think there are enough interpretations from APs when it comes to Avoidant behavior, so I would like insight from actual Avoidants.
Me (33F) and my avoidant boo (30M) have been on and off for 2 years. Yes, the classíque anxious/avoidant trope. What’s holding this together is the effort we have both put in to show each other that we are trying. He has gone out his way to reassure me within his avoidant capacity. When we met, I was a drinker and I caused harm through my drunken anxious spiral. He forgave me. I am now almost 2 years sober, in therapy, on psych meds. Been focusing on my mental health. And I still have anxious spirals but through out time I have been working on self regulation and I’m learning to not involve him in my spirals. He has hurt me in many ways as well but he has always apologized and has genuinely given his best. And that’s without doing so verbally. He does it through actions.
I have learned that both our behavior stems from fear. Idk the dynamics of is past relationships and in the beginning it was sooooo difficult for me bc I’m such a curious person. I have adhd and just wanna learn so much about things and people. But my past relationship was with an addict who would disappear. So when my avoidant boo detaches, I get triggered. I’ve been doing so much better through internal work. And sometimes I feel bad bc I can tell he’s so closed off that even the thought of “healing” and therapy isnt in his orbit.
Today we spent time together after our last split back in December. He’s very affectionate but what he just won’t do is kiss me on the lips. He lets me peck him on the lips but his stay closed. He gives me kisses on the forehead and when I asked him why he won’t kiss me he won’t say anything and just start kissing my face all over. I am actually not bothered by this anymore bc I know that his behavior stems from fear. And if anything I’m like “aw my little bb is scared 🥺”. What I thought was interesting though is that when I finished after our sex play, he looked up and almost as a reflex was about to kiss me on the lips and then caught himself and kissed me on the forehead instead lol
My question is actually just curiosity. Avoidants, what’s the thought process when something like this happens. What are you feeling? I used to spiral and start texting him later that same day and try to force an answer and this time around I’m just not compelled to do so. I want to make him feel safe. I want to give him the space to want to kiss me. Anyway, thank you so much in advance.
TL;DR: Avoidants what is your through process when you have feelings for someone but cant/dont kiss them on the lips.