u/heartsalive_

This isn't meant to be self promotion. I won't post the name of my song unless a moderator specifically tells me to. But I'm genuinely so happy and thankful that I hit this milestone, especially with such a personal song. I just wanted to share the good news with somebody. I hope you all have a wonderful night/day.

Hello, I am the vocalist and lyricist for the band Overdose to Sleep. Me and my bandmate are looking for a drummer. We prefer a permanent member to the project, but are open to session for an album.

We're not looking for anything super technical, but adept playing is definitely a plus. We just find live drums sound better

We have a few rules if you're interested, they're not crazy but they are essential to the role:

1. Must be over 18. Absolutely no minors.

2. Must have proper recording equipment. It doesn't need to be insanely high quality, but we definitely prefer to mix drums individually rather than an entire kit being recorded at once. Just sounds better. Mic quality does need to be distinguishable, but doesn't need to be insane quality, crystal clear

3. Must be able to play on time properly, cleanly, and basically just well. It's okay if the drumming isn't super technical, as we just prefer the sound of live drums, but if you're going to play something we definitely need it to be in the right tempo and not super sloppy.

4. Don't be a dickhead. We don't want hateful people in our group. The last thing we want is to have allegations and controversy with us. That shit sucks and I'm too mentally ill to deal with it. So don't be a piece of shit, or a pedophile or a Nazi or a homo/transphobe/bigot. It's self explainatory, just don't be an asshole.

5. We just want you to be chill and like minded. We're laxxed guys, no drama just making some music. That's all it is. We do this as a hobby, not as a business. Any money we make is cool, but that's not our end goal. With that being said... we're splitting whatever money we make evenly between the 3 of us. So 33% for each member. That is not negotiable, nobody gets more or less than what is completely even.

We are also looking for a label, and if we sign the monetary thing remains the same. We all get paid evenly. We do it as a hobby, but we still want to grow as artists.

Anyways. I know this probably won't go very far, but it's worth a shot. You can feel free to drop a comment if you're interested and we'll talk privately

Please check out our music and lmk if you're interested!

Thank you 🖤

This is going to be extremely long and seemingly drawn out, but please bare with me.

I'm 26. My moms life is absolutely depressing. She has never had a happy relationship in her life. Both of her kids are severely mentally ill/disabled and have severe PTSD and she thinks it's her fault.

Me and my brother grew up away from our mother, she didn't have custody of us while we were growing up. We lived with my dad and our ex stepmom, who was extremely abusive while my dad was absent at work or at the bar. We both have severe PTSD and I have CPTSD from intense constant abuse growing up by her and other characters she allowed in our lives.

I developed psychosis in my teens which my medical team has pretty concluded is because of severe abuse growing up. Anyways. My mom blames herself because she couldn't get us out of there before it was too late, she spends her entire life savings and worked 3 jobs for 10 years straight, destroying her physical health, lost her entire 20s and 30s and giving her permanent brain damage from sleep deprivation trying to pay for lawyers and other thing it try and get us out of our situation.

One thing i need to make very clear, my mom is the best mom I could ever ask for. She also had a really bad childhood which caused her to be very hostile as a teenager until she had my older brother and me, and she got into a fight with my dad after he cheated on her with who ended up being my childhood abuser, causing her to lose custody of me and my brother. And thanks to the flawed child protection systems, we were stuck there for 12 years.

By the time my mom got us back, the damage had already been done. My older brother who I call Buddy had started using hard drugs and I started developing really intense psychotic symptoms at 13 which is around the time things were normal and she had us full time again. Buddy got hooked on fentanyl and I started developing psychosis and I was in and out of the psych ward, trying to get my medication figured out.

Anyways... With that context out of the way. I've been an adult out of school since 2019 and I'm an absolute loser. I live in government housing and am on SSDI for my schizoaffective disorder and bipolar and PTSD and anxiety etc... and I have a hard time holding a job as of recently. I've held a job before but I got about 2 years and it was because I was so manic that I had the energy and mental capacity to do it. Now I'm over medicated, fat, tired, lazy, depressed, foggy and useless.

My brother is clean now, but he's homeless and can't live with my mother because her boyfriend won't let him in because he has brain damage from experiences he had in the last with drugs so he's a real pain to deal with. Still capable and normal, just something is "off" about him.

The thing that bothers me about all of this is that I know for a fact I have so much untapped potential. My girlfriend is my biggest supporter and has been helping me get through my mental health spells, encouraging me to take care of myself, my health, my body, and to find work and to finally get my license (I have the test next week).

I realized my mom has had it so hard her whole life, she sacrificed her entire life for me and my brother and she has gotten nothing in return. All I want to do is make my moms effort and sacrifices worth something. I want to prove to her that her unconditional love and the pain she went through to save us from that hell scape was for something.

My girlfriend understands my goal and is reassuring she wants to do it with me. She is the rock I need in my life and my biggest supporter next to my mom.

I just want to make her proud, I want her to feel like she won. I don't want her to die thinking she failed us.

Lyrics:

Flesh rotten to the bone

Just one hand, to finger fuck my soul

And molest the innocent parts of me

That I keep so close

I'm violated by my mind

Ill leave everything behind

Because I can't live like this

I don't want to live like this

The constant nagging

In my ears

"Just kill yourself"

"Cut off your arms"

"They're coming for you"

Who? Who?

Who is they, and who the fuck are you?

These voices, what's in front of my face

-- Such a bitter taste

I can't erase

My mom died in front of me

Organs removed

Tied to a cross

And I couldn't move

I watched her scream

Beg for fucking mercy

But they killed her slowly

Just to fucking hurt me

I'm scared, I don't want to die

I can't keep living this life

But maybe its time --

-- It might be time to give suicide a try

Mom

Dad

Baby sister, that baby girl

You changed my whole life

You were my whole world

But I wish I could see you

In the same light

But I can't because I watched you fucking die...

You struggled to breathe

You cried out to me

I couldn't help

I couldn't help at all...

Your first words

Was just you, gargling my name

Choking in your own blood

I'll never be the same

Now I must end it all

This grief, the guilt

And violation of my purity

It took every ounce of joy away from me

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

I don't want to be alive

Just take me away

I don't want to live this way

I wanted to love you to the grave

So take me away....

I don't want to be alive

Fuck...

This is my band's debut release. Feel free to check it out.

This cover is dedicated to Obehag, who passed away on July 23rd, 2011, 15 years ago. I hope you all enjoy. A YouTube stream is coming soon.

I am no stranger to dreams and nightmares. I take a medication that makes me dream vividly, but I've been instructed by my doctor to decrease the medication due to some other side effects, the nightmares being one of them. Now my nightmares are usually pretty predictable, I'm in a bad situation and can't get out type of deal... But this was completely different, and it's been an hour and I'm still so confused and rattled by it.

So I went to sleep last night and had this dream I was in this Japanese facility, like this school almost that followed a really rigid and weird schedule full of strange rituals that didn't make sense. like there was a live birth ritual where all the men had to strip down and stand behind this barrier while a woman in labor screamed and gave birth. All we could do was stand there and listen as she screamed her labor pains. Then after this was over, I was instructed to put my clothes on and take the elevator to floor 12, but had to pass through this bathroom where they hand sterilized you and your clothes with random substances. Then I reached the elevator and I was in it for about 3 seconds with somebody else. I saw somebody coming down the hallway so I went to put my arm in the door to let them make it, but the elevator plummeted down super fast. I didn't press the button, and while we were going down I felt really calm and locked in on everything, didn't feel too much "danger". The guy said to me something like "oh, they're going to piss you out man. Everything changes now."

So I finally make it to the bottom and the guy is gone and it's just me. The door opens and I'm in this dark, beautiful lake shore with the moon above everything and it's super foggy. There's a bronze statue of a man fishing in the middle of the lake. I was wandering around the shore path and I read a plaque that said this area was cursed and God wasn't here to save me. I was looking at all of the trees and they were super still and everything was really quiet aside from the waves gently crashing into the shore.then I reached the end of the path and there's this fleshy wall with a hole in it, and I'm pushed in. I'm being sucked through this digestive track almost and I land inside a bladder full of urine and I'm excreted out through that and I land in this path where there's a gazebo with a few people kinda sitting around anxiously and quietly. There was a very large and muscular man with curly hair who had extremely long arms and shoulders I sat next to and I asked him what was going on. And he told me we were all cursed with a gift, but it comes at a cost.

I dont remember how, but I was transported to my childhood home and I was very young. I found my mom and she was super thin and had a very worn look on her, like she had been battling with grief alone without anyone for her whole life. She hugged me and said "I'll take you to the doctor right now".

So I'm in this children's hospital, but I was in a dentistry unit mixed with a psychiatric unit. The nurses were helping other kids but then I noticed my ribcage was starting to poke out. Like the sternum ball at the bottom was poking extremely visibly through my skin. And then my ribcage started to slowly contort and fold inward on itself. My other ribs flared out almost like bird features unfolding and spreading. I called a nurse and they saw me and wouldn't help me. They kept saying it was normal. I eventually woke up because I felt like my ribs were about to snap.

I woke up super disoriented and felt my ribcage over and over again thinking it was still happening and almost convinced myself I was genuinely cursed from that statue. Does anyone have any sort of analysis on this dream, if anyone has had a similar dream or any potential explanation of why I would even dream this??? It's scared the hell out of me and usually I'm able to move on from dreams like this pretty quickly, but this one was so deeply disturbing I have been unable to.

Thanks

Overdose to Sleep - Nobody Cares Why You Did It

This song made me very vulnerable and it was intense to record. I hope you enjoy.

Anhedonia to an eclipsing numbness

What was once a lack of pleasure

Became lackluster in anything at all

The pharmacy has a grip on my livelihood

As I'm persuaded by the soothing voice of psychiatry

Doctor;

I want to feel alive again

Is there a capsule for emotions?

Something that will spring me back to life?

Doctor, doctor;

Let me live freely

As manic as I desire

At least then I could breathe

There's no voice anymore

Just empty noises

That spill from my throat

And pour out my mouth

I'm not pure

I haven't been in a long time

I used to talk in millimeters, and milligrams

Now I speak in a dialect not even I understand

I want the room to think

Without all the fog

I want space to live

But sadly I'm not

When I was 5 I learned to tie my shoes

15 years later I learned to tie a noose

4 more years passed by and my hands are tied tight

And my ankles are chained to the floor

I don't want to be like this anymore

Death isn't an escape

But the allure is so captivating

So many wasted notes

So many lost words

So many distant goodbyes

So much smoke and so little butterflies

I want to be free

From these chains on my feet

But they're locked to ankles

And no one has the key

I want to move forward

I want just a chance

But I'm glued to the thought of

"Will I succeed?" and "I don't know if I can"

I'm crying out to you

These pills rip the joy from me

The way the voices ripped me apart

There's no middle ground to be made

There's no hope to seek

I'm endlessly depressed and

I'm so damn obsessed with

The voice of a final goodbye

The voice that leads me to the end of my life

But I don't want to die

I just want to be alright

...

Feedback:

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/vFHx0RC9OQ

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/egyaKomUv5;

This path feels familiar

A stumble and a fall

A faceplant into the dirt

Every time I pick myself up

And every time I breathe new air

But when is the next relapse?

When is the next fall?

My teeth are broken as is

I can't handle another moment like the last

Snow falls on my hands and they melt

But I'm still losing warmth

Everyday I grow jaded

Everyday I grow colder

...

When it's my time to pick myself up

I pray to God I don't get stuck in the mud

Losing breath, losing sight

Losing peace, losing mind

I've lost my glow and it's getting dark

Somebody show me where to start

Back at square one again

I grit my teeth and cry to sleep again

This weight has been lifted off my chest

And I can finally breathe

...

I long to love like I did as a kid

I long to love like my mother did

I long to be free, I long to be happy

I long to hurt, so please tell me

Where did I go wrong?

Why am I craving this?

I'm tired of putting thoughts into songs

And I'm sick of trying to reminisce

I wish you'd die so I could be king

But instead I lack the strength to do anything

...

I told my loved ones I'd never go

I promised my friends I wouldn't die

I've convinced myself that I can be okay

But I don't know how to keep up

[Feedback]

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/oDIufHdJPQ

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/TWbuVnLHLK

This is my dsbm projects debut single. Curious to hear your thoughts.

I'm going to see sadness I'm providence RI tomorrow and was wondering if there's merch? I have a friend in Canada who's interested in me mailing them some merch. Just was curious what's available if any and what prices are looking like :)

I really enjoyed this and I want to join a better team for the next season for more rewards (the one I was in didn't really participate too much). Any ideas how often NK will be doing these? :)

I got a bunch of the straw hat deodorants back when they had that collab and I'm running out. I absolutely adore the scent and my girlfriend adores the scent and I'm gonna be super bummed out when it's gone. Is there any other deodorant anywhere that smells similar?? It has a flowery fruity scent, I can't really pinpoint it completely. Almost pineapple (kind if). I dont want to lose it 😭😭 please help