u/hekp94

My husband and I moved into my childhood home after both of my grandparents passed away within the last two years. We started in May 2025 and the progress has been astounding. We’ve taken on the ENTIRE demo and renovation process ourselves and I’m not sure if I’ve ever been more proud in my life. It’s not perfect, but it’s exactly what I want it to be.

Okay, so this is difficult to explain. I’m an extremely positive and happy person to the core. I’ve always been this way. My circumstances have been less than ideal throughout my childhood and I found people often took pity on me, which I hated. So I decided to prove to them that I didn’t need it. I’ve lived an incredibly successful life so far from my own point of view. I graduated college, married the love of my life, have had a decently fulfilling career in environmental science, had two beautiful children, and yet, I feel like something is missing.

It’s nothing to do with what I don’t have in a material sense. I’m actually quite minimalistic in that way. I’m so happy with every aspect of my life and I still feel this gaping hole within my sense of self. I often wonder if I spent my life proving everyone else wrong, abiding by the social expectations of others. Showing them that I’m more than the family members before me who have been plagued by addiction. I worked so hard to get to what felt like “the top”. I’m now working at a a corporate job that’s conflicting with my moral values to provide for my children. I spend a lot of time wondering if this is the root cause of this empty feeling.

I just have this lingering idea in my head that I am meant for something greater. That I’m supposed to be making an impact on the earth, something that will live on beyond my human lifespan. I put 90% of my energy into raising loving, kind, intelligent, responsible kids. I question that maybe this is my purpose. But I can’t quite ditch this feeling no matter how hard I try to rationalize.

Over the last year, I’ve picked up hobbies I’ve never been able to sustain. I have 3 full gardens, I’m learning to play the piano along with my kids, I’m reading so so many books again, running, I’ve written in a journal every day for the past year and a half without missing out on an entry. I feel accomplished, but it’s not satiated this feeling. I’ve always felt that being my authentic, unapologetic self was the most important thing and I continue to do so.

I love my family, my home, my life, and I am incredibly happy. So this leaves me confused.

Can anyone help me understand this or possibly relate?

EDIT*

I thought it would be useful to note that these feelings come and go but are stronger during certain periods. I really relate to Oliver Tree being an authentic person and pursuing his most recent album and global tour for the sake of art and self acceptance. His early death in the beginning of this tour has me thinking deeper. I feel a pretty deep sense of sadness for his loss.