u/heyfriendhowsitgoing

Hi friends! Boy do I have a story for yall about recovery.

I’m two months post op, and I’ve been doing physical therapy three days a week since about two weeks after the surgery.

At my 6 week appointment I was approved to do some swimming (dr said not setting Olympic records but for a nice workout it would be fine lol!). And since my birthday was earlier this month I decided to go free diving at a spring that has a few caves, it was my first time in about 6 or 7 months, and I loved it so much, I felt myself again. My lungs were surprisingly not too different, I was able to hold my breath for a minute and 30 seconds, which is a minute short of what I was doing before. I was able to go just as deep as before, the deepest I went was about 60 feet. I focused mainly on kicking from the hip so my knee didn’t bother me much even when maneuvering through the caves.

However, I was struck with how much could have changed since then, and how it has changed. I became so overwhelmingly sad for what I could have looked like and how I could have been. I felt like I was grieving what my body could have been. I was going to Pilates twice a week, Krav Maga three times a week, walking 10k steps a day at least, and I had lost about 60 lbs and gained about half of it back after the injury. I was so fucking sad to think about the strength I could have gained by this time if I had been able to continue my regime for these past 6-7 months.

I was a goddamn wreck about it all, crying and unable to have sex with my partner without feeling so awful about myself. I had/have been struggling hard as shit with my mental health around this injury, but not nearly as bad as how it was right after free diving. The weight gain and lack of movement had just truly been a killer. That is on top of finals week while pursuing my masters and Ph.D.

In the midst of this turmoil and depression, I decided to reach out to my support system. Instead of crying alone I shared the burden with my partner and best friend, cuddled my cat, called my sister and mom, and went to therapy four times in two weeks after it. And Jesus fucking Christ I am so so thankful.

Everyone reminded me that the distress in feeling is because I am an athlete, I am an active person, moving my body makes me happy. That I owe myself kindness, compassion, and understanding. My therapist told me she would rather have a fourth divorce than to be injured in her 20s again, because it truly felt like the world was ending.

And then, like a gift from the universe for toughing this shit out, my surgeon and PT said I could restart Pilates and to just be careful about kneeling and not to do any torsion!!!!! I can work out!!! I can feel sore!!!!! It is so fucking good.

I am so grateful to have such an amazing support system and god damn. Therapy has been really really helpful. Particularly EMDR has been amazing for addressing the triggers that have come up due to issues around body things. I highly highly recommend it. It really helped me realize that my body just is, and I am lucky to be where I am. That my mom’s body shaming since birth had been a reflection of her self hatred, and that she was truly panicked at having a fat daughter. It was always more about how other people would judge her and treat me, than a comment on how lovable I am.

Anyway!!! I’m back to free diving AND Pilates!!!!!! And I’m coping a lot better with the mental health stress around this injury!!!

Sorry this was a novel lol.

TLDR; I had a freak out because I realized I would have been in a better spot bodywise if I hadn’t been injured and my support system, therapy, and EMDR helped me realize that I am healing and doing my best :3

Be kind to yourself and soon all of this will just be a memory to look back on!!!! We will recover ♥️