u/hi_im_kelly_xx

Don't worry, this will be my last silly "doomer" post ill make. Besides what people have said. I have tried so hard in my transition over the last 6 years. I have tried so, so hard. Crying as I write this. I even kicked my "bad thoughts" for it and have just continued to try hard. As I'll continue to do. Somehow?

I'm currently at work with my stomach still hurting from surgery, my voice failing. Sleep deprived and exhausted from all the stress. Still getting called a man with a full face of makeup

I'm just realising. Even though I would be happier being a woman. Even a clocky trans woman as I am. But the reality is the daily inhostillity, harassment and misgendering is insane and has worn me out to a pulp. I'm never going to be seen as another woman. I couldn't detransition because it even now, has helped my mental health but at the same time. Giving up on all of my transition goals.

I seriously have tried to listen to the advice I have been given here and other subreddits. Even back when I was homeless and abused from my parents at the start of my transition. Now im alone in a random city with only one possible connection. No friends. No trusting family. I feel like I can't talk to my parents about anything. I try to seek help from free services like twenty10 or Acon but they don't help. I'm very much in poverty.

I guess my transition doesn't matter anymore. I realise it doesn't matter. I'll always be amab. I'll never escape my sex. I'm really struggling at work. My informally diagnosed autistic traits are coming out massively, i feel so out of place, slow, sore tired... I called my dad worried and he couldn't say anything. Just made me feel bad about my surgery I got

I won't be posting anymore. My RSD can't handle it. Since i was 8 years old onwards all I wanted was to be just like the other girls. But it isn't going to happen. This has been torture my whole life. I keep my going on regardless. I just know I'm annoying everyone with my posting trying to find solutions and fixes to my transition and issues. Maybe there isn't...

Thanks again everyone, I'll still be around in queer spaces. Just nor on reddit anymore. I think it was a habit from a even lower point in my life, thank you. I feel so lost. I'll be okay.

I'm over being trans. No one can hear me because of my voice training. I'm pretty close to detransition. I just look and act like a man. I even got super dolled up

My father said something yesterday that shattered me?

To be real. My life hasn't been going great since I came out but increasingly so. I'm not even getting into it. I have posted about it so many times

I called my dad yesterday because I was doing so unwell with my current work situation, housing situation, needing to fix my car. Feeling physically sick from the lack of food and sleep with the sharehousing and work

It kind of hits me when he said as we were talking about everything: you've done all of this for "your happiness" yet your still so unhappy.

He was referring to the move to a big city, my transition, etc

It kind of just hits me how deeply unhappy I really am even though the last two years I have been non stop trying to fix everything.

How I have transitioned for two years just to still be treated like a man in most situations. I told him transitioned has helped. But the truth is minority stress has gotten to me

He has suggested maybe I should move back to my hometown, cheaper rent and living, less travel.

I just feel so defeated right now. It's so weird as someone who had a huge fire to finally see that go out. I tried to integrate into the community since I moved here and it's just been a huge fail

I'm defeated. I'm still so deeply unhappy and don't know how to fix my life and have a comfortable like again as the new me. I'm sitting here at a party and I'm just sitting on my phone after the bartender 5 times told me she couldn't hear me until I used my "man" voice. At least the drinks are nice

Edit: now im getting stared at

Edit 2: I've had enough, I'm detransitioning after this party. I don't even look like a trans woman let alone cis. I'm a freaking joke. I have been pushed out of the community locally anyways. It is what it is. I'll be miserable as a man but it beats this. I'm going off hrt tonight

Edit 3: first day off hrt, time to repress again

I have been trying to fix my life for so long since coming out as trans. My current roommate gets so funny about cleaning I haven't been eating or eating fast food. I constently get woken up on my night shifts im not sleeping.

I'm so tired of explaining everything everything for years to get ignored by professionals and people. Years of rough housing, homelessness, abuse, job issues, car issues, family issues, etc. Now im barely eating or sleeping properly. I'll probably start having health issues I've been so stressed

I just constently wonder when I'm gonna catch a break. It's been 6 years of this neverending treadmill. This cat isn't landing on my legs like I was when I first got kicked out for being trans. I don't even care about passing anymore. I just want to live my life and be happy.

I just curse God why for my making my life so hard with something I can't ever remember not dealing with.... WHY?

Yay... after crying in my car for a hour looking for a cat for half n hour that isn't even mine at midnight. I'm so sick of this sharehouse. Getting placed in sketchy situations at work now I feel like im going to lose my job. This dog won't stop scratching near my window just to be woken up at 6am by my roommate and construction for my night shift. Wonder how long I'll do this before I just lose my mind or something regarding my health fails

But yeah. Therapy I can't afford that I've tried for a litteral decade is going to fix my life right? Most therapists just say sorry to me. I'm beyond helping

​

Idk. I'm just over getting misgendered when I try so hard in my appearance.

Yesterday I did liquid foundation, concealer, properly blended eyeshadow, bronzer, blush, lip gloss. Only thig I haven't tried is a fringe haircut but it might not work

Litterally had someone pass by me and go "what's up with that man????"

The day before that getting called sir just buying some kitchenware

I'm so done with transition. It's been 2 years hrt and I just look like a feminine man rather then a masculine one. I can't afford hrt even if I sell everything besides the clothes on my back. :/ maybe it's not gonna be possible for me. What's the point of transition if I'm just still going to get seen as a man everyday unless if I go full recluse?

Idk. I'm just over getting misgendered when I try so hard in my appearance.

Yesterday I did liquid foundation, concealer, properly blended eyeshadow, bronzer, blush, lip gloss. Only thig I haven't tried is a fringe haircut but it might not work

Litterally had someone pass by me and go "what's up with that man????"

The day before that getting called sir just buying some kitchenware

I'm so done with transition. It's been 2 years hrt and I just look like a feminine man rather then a masculine one. I can't afford hrt even if I sell everything besides the clothes on my back. :/ maybe it's not gonna be possible for me. What's the point of transition if I'm just still going to get seen as a man everyday unless if I go full recluse? I'm sick of looking like a sack of potato's

After my recent post. It made me realise actually how unpassing I am. How much I still just look like a man after 2 years of hrt

The amount of hardship I've gone though just to basically look the same? It's really heartbreaking. I litterally haven't been able to stop crying for hours. It feels like everything I worked so hard for over 6 years means nothing. The nights kept captive at my parents confined into a room. Constently pushing for my right to exist. It just feels pointless.

I used to be the type who would push through adversity and just keep going but I feel stuck. I'm not going to be ever able to afford FFS. Hell. I'm struggling to even just afford to live. I can't remember the last time I sat down and did anything fun. I've been losing my hair and malnourished and not sleeping properly. Been under such extreme stress

Like. I went though all that abuse and heartache and torment from my parents and the public to realise. I really am just a "man in a dress/makeup" like my mum and strangers I used to say

I don't know. I used to try to push on and try to live a happy healthy life as best as I can but I feel like my only opinions is somehow afford surgery or completely shut myself in. I already have no friends and work is hella rocky (because im unpassing trans!)

I'm just really tired. Really really tired. In a way I think only a environment change is going to fix. I get into altercations daily with cis people because I look like a man in a dress

Please give me something uplifting. I'm ready to detransition and repress all this super hard again even though I dont want to, I want to be a woman. I'm just so sick of being in struggle street because my parents made me homeless 2 years ago. It just feels like I've been trying to fix everything for years. I try to talk to people, I try to work, I try to do everything right and I just feel like a man. I even had people say I look like Arnold and a my style is like a 12 year old goth girl

I'm just so tired. I want to be happy. I just want to be a girl. I'm crying my heart out as I'm writing this post somebody please give me something uplifting. Keep going regardless but. Omg

https://www.reddit.com/r/transfem/s/iO8s1lSaRl

https://www.reddit.com/r/transtimelines/s/w6rCB1yvUp

https://www.reddit.com/r/transtimelines/s/w6rCB1yvUp

Hey everyone

Think I have decided on detransitioning. I have thought of this before but its getting more apparent

As much as I deep down want to be a woman. The external pressure from the public is insane. I have struggled so much with styling and makeup, etc. Esecially with my masculinized features. Maybe if I did it when I first had the issues pop up I'd be in a better spot

It's made apparent to me from my last post in transtimelines. I will need major work done if I ever want to pass and avoid daily altercations.

I'm kind of realising. I was a cute guy. I didn't need to put much effort and I still looked cute. The dyshoria and repression was crippling but now that I know how transition has been for me. No wonder im so miserable. I feel like the dyshoria and repression is better then trying to push through all this with no money. Shame I got kicked out on my feet because of the trans stuff. I had friends, a partner, jobs going well, easy living, on the path to financial health. All blown up from this process. Although I hated being a guy. I was attractive. People actually liked me

I want to be a woman? Yeah, sure. But its just ain't gonna happen for me

This should be my last post on this subreddit and other trans ones. I never felt close with community. I

Like I want to transition and be a woman but the mountain is just too big. It ain't gonna happen. I know transition is the better thing but it's easier to live as a guy.

I still wish everyone well with their transitions and journeys. I have given up hrt. I just don't think it's going to work. I look forward to just doing my thing again

Edit: with talking. I'm staying on the transition train

https://www.reddit.com/r/MtF/s/FdRmVOJyXN

It's like this post I made earlier

This is the lowest I have ever felt in my life, lower then when i was in mental institution or legal institutions or actively abused. At least even though those points were low and way more painful. i still had hope of one day being a girl and actually being happy with my life and creating a life I actually enjoy. It's been 24 years of non-stop trauma even outside of being trans from the age of 4 watching my dad get blown up and the years of torment after that

I dont feel like even talking to my parents anymore because they don't know how to help me with anything and they don't care. They just get overwhelmed. It's so stress inducing I don't have any fallbacks.

I have 0 irl friends, a handfew of occasional online ones. I can't remember the last time I hung out with anybody besides my roommate. I feel like im losing the ability to socialise. I have been exiled by alot of the local trans community in my area and online groups. Let alone relationships. I've started getting bitter and angry seeing people enjoy such things. I feel completely inhuman and unlikable. Let alone loveable. The trauma runs deep of getting fucked so many times

Work has me chronically stressed and sleep deprived + the sharehouse im in waking me up at 6am for my 4pm til 10pm shifts. I only started eating properly today after a solid month of malnourishment and living off bread and Peanut butter and other little things

I feel unbearably trapped. I haven't sorted my housing stuff properly and scared to get locked into anything with my current sharehouse but worried I'm going to get flagged from not sorting it out.

I'm really unhappy with my hrt results. I still feel so manly. I litterally got called sir today by a worker. He apologised out side of the store to me and even got really touchy but I don't care. I still get so many looks and stares. People say FFS should be for me.... I just want to look normal. I just want to live my life.

It feels like my head is going to explode. I just wonder when I'm going to finally catch a break or meet my tribe. It feels like I have started getting cluster headaches since losing my last sharehouse and documentation wars with work, them trying to push me out and me trying to do everything perfect there. My car breaking down mid move and having to repair the transmission myself. Lack of sleep and nourishment. I worry it might be from stress stimming months back or my hrt schedule. I am due for my next implant

I feel like this is going to go out into the void. I feel like im going to abstract like characters in my amazing digital circus from just the insane stress and loneliness just without the physical glitching. I try to get help in my capacity but its hard when your low income. It's a privilege to afford such things that people act that it's a given

As this doom metal band i like uncle acid and the deadbeats song goes. "Im Lonely and strange."

A part of me is ready to just give in apathetically and just see where the river takes me so to speak, obiously still being here. I use so much energy in trying to fix my situation that I just dont have anything left in the tank. I can't remember the last time I've done anything fun. I've been so busy fixing everything

I have been in worse places in my life. For sure. But even in those darker moments. I had more hope for a better future. One that I'm actively appreciated and not surviving. I have been in survival mode for so long my nervous system is like always on. I have been surviving for so long I have forgotten how to live my life. It feels like im becoming dumber and more feral