u/honeycutekat

TW GRAPHIC

I [23F] was raped in Feb 2025 and was strangled and smothered during it, and I think he may have banged my head against my wall to knock me out. I was asleep when he started and I guess he really wanted me either dead or not able to remember it so he could get away with it. Ever since then, I’ve been having weird issues:

- Severe short term memory loss but oddly enough not struggling academically?
- Sometimes I have weakness and numbness on the right side of my body and face (I was laying on my right side when he did it and if he banged my head it was the right side), with pins and needles happening when I shower
- Sometimes I’ve wet the bed
- Being extremely aloof and confused sometimes, like not knowing where I am or even what my name is. Very spatially disoriented and it’s like I’m in my own world 24/7
- Some weirdness when swallowing but no pain, it just kinda feels like something’s still blocking the airway. Could be attributed to PTSD
- Severe insomnia and PTSD
- Not feeling super “right” in general, like something’s off
- I think I’ve developed a form of OCD, I have some behavioral problems and I can’t trust anybody
- Some head pressure, heaviness and pain

Any idea what’s going on? I don’t know the effects of strangulation and rape combined but I can imagine it’s extremely traumatizing. And it was.

CW SA, CSA, gender dysphoria, suicide attempt

(I have PMDD so my emotions are heightened right before my period. I’m fine now and not experiencing any ideation. I’m being stubborn about seeking treatment now)

Been seeing a rape counselor for over a year now over an incident that occurred early last year. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse that I’ve discussed with her as well. She hasn’t been the most competent person I’ve talked to because she has more history being a crisis advocate, but I’ve been giving her the benefit of the doubt because she’s still new to this field. I attempted suicide a couple of days ago right before my period started, and we explored this in our session yesterday. I’m starting to experience gender dysphoria during my luteal phase that I don’t attribute to hormones or trauma (some transphobic people use this in their propaganda too) because it isn’t the first time this has happened. The same goes for my sexuality: I keep wondering if I’ve been a lesbian experiencing comphet this whole time. I discussed this with her and she came to the conclusion that I “need to get back on birth control and take medication for BPD”. I became perplexed by the random insert of BPD into the discussion and questioned her reasoning, and she said “well, a hallmark of BPD is that you have an unstable sense of self, right?” I’m thankful that it was just a phone call and not a Zoom call because I could not hide the look on my face lol. That is one of the weirdest things any mental health professional has said to me! Idk if I’m overreacting or not but it doesn’t sit right with me at all.

TW SUICIDE

I’m fine, I swear! I just ingested a bunch of melatonin pills last night then made myself throw them up before sobbing on the phone to my grandmother. I also engaged in SH (self harm) for the first time since I was a teenager over the weekend. The rumination, intrusive thoughts, and depression were just so loud that I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m glad I’m still here.

I’m a foreigner who lives in the UK under NHS, so my situation isn’t ideal in terms of receiving care swiftly. The earliest available appointment with my GP is in almost a month. I’m on my own until then. Luteal phase usually brings up a lot of trauma and embarrassing memories for me and I’m in severe despair until my period starts. I’m also experiencing some gender dysphoria rn? That’s new for me. I tried so many things to get my period to start early, like dark chocolate and orange juice (Vitamin C), but it ended up coming a day late this month. I developed severe PTSD shortly after the onset of PMDD early last year, so unfortunately the former had to take the driver’s seat for a while. I think now’s the time to fully sort out my physical health. I’m gonna need some time to process everything that happened last night because I think an attempt in itself is a bit traumatic, but I’m fine now. This disorder is no joke.

TW SA MENTION

A hilarious(?) story to perk up your midweek! I [23F] attempted to have sex with this guy [27M] last night. We had such a good emotional connection and there was so much sexual energy between us also, and we both found each other very attractive. I was SAd over a year ago and I rarely feel attraction right now so it was a big step for me. We went back to his place and everything was going well until he was about to put his penis in. He wasn’t slow about it at all, I started tensing up immediately (I probably have vaginismus now) and he got off of me and said “I can’t do this”. He then proceeded to tell me that I was being “arrogant” because I was apparently giving him instructions and ordering him around while he was eating me out (an act I didn’t orgasm from, by the way). It’s natural for me to tell people what I like and that’s what I did, but I guess it’s “incorrect”. The cunnilingus was going good actually and I was getting close until he started fingering me roughly, which not only caught me off guard but triggered me. I went physically numb when that happened and I just couldn’t finish. When I brought this up he told me, “I wasn’t feeling anything either when you were barely sucking my dick.” I sucked him for maybe 2 minutes before he stopped it to eat me out and it wasn’t “the way he likes it”, meaning he wanted me to deepthroat him when I told him I needed to take things slower. When I questioned why he didn’t tell me this beforehand, he said “you’re not supposed to communicate during sex. You’re supposed to do it after. Clearly you’ve not had much experience with this.”

He used this ‘evidence’ he procured to tell me “you’re not ready for sex” and that I need to “wait another year” before I tried again. All because I’m a dead fish in bed now apparently lol. I’m not too upset and my friends and I had a huge laugh about it, but it does make me lose a little hope to find a good man a little more. And it makes me feel a little self-conscious about how I am in bed now too. I texted him this morning “I hope you slept well unless you didn’t feel anything during it which ruined it for you” 😝 Just thought I’d share with people who get it (other women)

EDIT: I just blocked him on everything after we had a very short, shallow conversation about what happened. He ultimately was like “I don’t feel comfortable talking to you anymore. See me as the villain, I don’t care. I hope you overcome this obstacle.” lol