u/ilovemonkieee

What is fear of abandonment really?

I am sensitive to rejection and feel worthless if ’m not liked. If someone feels safe, I feel like we could be friends. And I spend a lot of time thinking in general how I can become more socially acceptable (prettier mainly) to make people in general become friends with me. I feel like life is pointless bc I’m not loved and don’t have real friends. But also if someone does like me and I feel like they’re starting to dislike me I want to cut them off before they ditch me. I can’t be ditched again, it hurts.

I’m neurodivergent so yeah. But I feel I isolate myself due to CPTSD while also being preoccupied with being liked and loved to the point I think every day how I can get this validation from people and think of cutting people I know off if I feel any sense of dislike towards me. Is this fear of abandonment?

I have a mental health support worker who visits me once a week for an hour. She always texts me first asking if I’m available for a visit.

So I want to cut her off by just saying no I’m not available because she has very strong bad breath and she is the type of person wayyy too sensitive to hear that. I try to stand a couple of feet away from her when we go for a walk. I can tell she doesn’t floss or brush her tongue, ever. It’s really bad.

No I can’t offer her gum or mints. She won’t take it well.

Also she got annoyed at me and went on and on about how irresponsible I was for borrowing 200 quid on a credit card. She was like credit cards are bad, you shouldn’t have done that for like 5 minutes straight even tho I’m an adult. And when I said I bought a new pink cardigan I thought was cute and was excited to wear earlier on in the convo she was like “why? you shouldn’t buy new clothes bc you never wear it”. I wear Tshirts and leggings 24/7 due to lack of confidence and self hate but she knows I love fashion cause I talk about it. I said it was on sale and she wouldn’t have it. She never shouted or anything just lecturing.

She is so nice. Very nice and kind. Except for these two things. I feel she’s getting tired of me so I’m willing to kind of cut things off. She’s leaving in a couple of months anyway.

Veganism worsened my health even with careful, continuous planning and many supplements. But the main reason I don’t want to be vegan anymore other than that is because I Just Don’t Want To.

I don’t want to gamble my health on a herbivore diet PROVEN scientifically to lack nutrients compared to an omnivore diet when other animals rip off their prey’s faces and eat them alive. Veganism is so unnatural and manufactured and rooted in privilege that whenever I’ve argued with a vegan about why it’s not good for MY health and MY body with personal examples AND veganism studies they resort to calling me selfish. And then they insult my intelligence.

OK, I’m selfish. What now? I’m selfish, I’m human, I’ve only got one life, I don’t care. What’s so wrong with that? There’s good animal welfare laws in my country, I buy free range, I don’t even eat meat every day but that’s not good enough for them. Not that I have to please them but you’d think they’d be happy about that. I’m selfishhhhh. And I’m more free than them and I live with more ease. What now.

I’ve tried to make friends but people ignore or exclude me. I ask questions, I’m polite and friendly but people just don’t like me. I’m neurodivergent and kind of have a dead eyed look/flat affect but even people who are neurodivergent don’t want to be friends with me and just ignore me despite me texting first, asking questions, suggesting we go places, etc. I dress in a tshirt, leggings and trainers every single day with no makeup (woman obvs) but I wish I could dress hyperfeminine, glam makeup and heels. I wish I was outgoing and confident and not introverted, awkward and anxious. I literally daydream about being the life of the party. I have hobbies but I’m afraid to do them almost, so I just doomscroll. I’m so embarrassed and scared of my whole existence that I’m scared of doing the things I want to do. I also am looking for a job but I’m scared of having to talk to coworkers or customers. I’ve never worked. I fear I’m stuck like this. :(