u/indivisibleaquanaut

Hey y'all. I’m ADHD/autistic (late diagnosed0) (46/F) and I’m trying to make sense of something happening in my relationship right now with my autistic/Apergers boyfriend (46/M). We’ve been together about 3-4 months and in person things have felt really good between us (fun times, parralel play, shared interests, etc). We get along well, strong chemistry, affection, everything feels natural when we’re together.

But after a recent weekend at the beach where there was a bit of tension the first day (he felt I was being slightly pushy when I was talking abt a special interest) he became quite distant after we got home.

This morning he told me he’s been thinking a lot since Sunday, and that he doesn’t think the relationship is “going to make it" and asked if I wanted an email why or in person. He is acting super cold and kinda distant which is off for him. We’re having a phone call tonight to talk about it.

I’m struggling because this shift feels very sudden compared to how things usually feel when we’re together. I care about him tons. I don’t want to overwhelm him or make things worse on the call, but I also don’t want to lose the relationship if there’s any way to repair what happened!

I guess what I’m wondering is:

for autistic/Asperger’s people, when you’ve mentally stepped back like this from your girlfriend, is there anything that can help you feel safer again in a conversation so the relationship isn’t automatically shut down? Or once you’ve decided it “isn’t going to work,” is that usually final?

And if there is any chance to salvage things, how would you recommend me approaching a call like this so it doesn’t feel overwhelming or pressuring?

Any perspective would really help. I don't wanna lose my boyfriend cause I think I love him! Thanks in advance people. xo

Update1: just wanna say thanks to you all for sharing your experiences with me. I really appreciate your emotional labor around this issue, and I wanna use the ideas to learn how to listen to him better, respect his boundaries, and move on if needed. Take care everyone.

Update2: he said it had nothing to do with the info dump on Friday. He just realized two weeks ago that he doesnt miss me when we are apart so that means in his brain there is not deep enough attraction between us. He said he was really attracted in the beginning, then when we had a ten day stretch apart two weeks ago he didn't miss me. Therefore, he concluded that he had deeper attachment and attraction to previous women (and not me) despite us having deep attraction when we are together.

Hello, I'm honestly confused, a bit shaken, and could use some outside perspective.

I'm (46/F single mama) diagnosed ADHD/autistic, and the man (46/m single papa) I am seeing for 3-4 months also undiagnosed autistic. He’s divorced since one year.

We had what genuinely felt like a really good first-weekend away together to the beach. It was easy, fun, affectionate, we were laughing, it felt like we were really connecting most of the time.

But, during the 3-hour car ride there, he got overwhelmed at the end of the drive and said I was doing a “monologue" when I was excited about a special interest. He even started apparently timing how long I was talking (6 min).

When he said that, I felt embarrassed and shut down for a few hours after. I was anxious, asked him if he wanted to split, but we talked it thru. I thought we both apologised, repaired, talked about using key words to interrupt my accidental monologues (they dont happen each day maybe 3x a week less than 5 min each). It seemed good. I told him I want to work on my comms to help him feel safer, too.

We moved past it, and the rest of the weekend actually seemed good again. Beach trips, lots of cuddles, good restos, laughing, parallel time too.

But then when he got home alone everything shifted. He acted distant, and I asked what was up and for a phone call.

We talked on lunchbreak, and said he had pushed his feelings aside during the weekend and now felt overwhelmed. He said he might not be ready to date again after his divorce (which was I question I asked Fri night). He said he spent Sunday night blindly surfing YouTube, and seemed to have trouble expressing himself on our 20-minute call.

Since then he seems unsure about whether he needs space or wants to continue seeing me. We are gonna go thru a two-week period where I am out of town starting Saturday so I asked him this this morning if he wanted to see us Mon night or for Fri lunch, and he just ignored my message.

I’m struggling because the shift feels sudden compared to how good the weekend felt (and the last 3 months felt). I mean he had a few other little shut downs, but I don’t know if this is autistic overwhelm or shutdown after emotional intensity, post divorce confusion, or early incompatibility showing itself.

Has anyone been through something like this where everything feels good in person and then someone kind of shuts down afterwards and becomes unsure? How do you tell the difference between temporary shutdown and someone actually pulling away or losing interest? What did you do?

Thanks in advance y'all. I'm sad cause I like him loads. xo

Hey you all. So I have been diagnosed with ADHD, and based on my own self-reported symptoms and online testing, I'm pretty sure that I also have autism.

So I was late diagnosed in my 40s, but I have made really great strides since this diagnosis several years unmasking, accepting myself, preventing meltdowns and burnout before they happen, etc.

Anyways, I have been dating someone for about 2 months who is also neurodivergent, but undiagnosed. I really like this guy super deeply! I am falling in love! When we are together, it seems like he is super into me too. He even said he was falling in love with me too which made my heart melt.

However, we have conflicting AuDHD traits. The hardest ones for me to match him with are: he is not good at planning, he doesn’t propose options when he doesn't like my plans, he seems to need a lot of time to recover from like burnout after work (even away from me), and he's not very good at texting during the times when we're apart (which we have to have 10 day breaks apart cause of our custody schedules). Is this because I am not yet his safe person?

Also, he told me that the last three generations of men in his family have been stuck in their heads. So he has a really hard time expressing himself in the moment. It takes him a couple days to be able to, like, communicate about anything emotional. This is easier for me to deal with, I guess.

Overall, I just want to be able to build a safer environment where he feels loved for who he is, and this is really hard because he hasn't been able to get a diagnosis so he doesn't understand about masking or autism in a detailed way. We live in a country where it's not very supportive of neurodivergent people.

Also, I do notice that he is starting to unmask around me a lot more as far as his stims are concerned so that makes me feel really great. But when we're not seeing each other, it's like radio silence.

He was married for ten years, and they split two years ago so I know he has the capability to love someone long term. It's still so early with us, too. I don't know, I just want to know if there's anything I can do to better be a safe person or, like, develop as a safe person for him. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

Hello, you all. I am a bit confused about this reading. I have been dating someone for two months. We just click deeply. It is not like ups and downs, but its steady and slow ups. We have already said "I love you" (him first), we are in an exclusive relationship, and there are too many synchronicities to count. Usually, my readings around us are super positive and uplifting.

However, I tried to connect to my higher self today to ask his higher self what his deepest intentions are for me in love. I pulled ace of cups, tower, and devil.

I wasn't surprised by the ace of cups because I pull this often around his feelings for me. It's like our connection is fated in many ways. I have also pulled the devil for him before in regards to his level of attraction for me which I took as him being really physically attracted. But the tower is shaking me a bit, if I'm honest.

If I have to guess at an interpretation, I am going to think maybe:

He is indeed having really big love feelings arising for me, but that he is still somehow attached to his ex-wife (they were together 11 years) who he split with two years ago (but only finalized the divorce in Feb 2026). They have two kids together (ages 7 and 9) and transfer the kids in custody twice a week. She uses him as a sounding board for many parenting things, and it always seemed to me they were somehow emotionally emmeshed with unfinished business. I also have two kids (ages 5 and 10), and I am friends with my ex but way less emotionally emmeshed. My ex and I actually root for each to find healthy and happy new relationships, but we have been split 4 years now. So I am guessing maybe the tower means he is still attached to her and maybe thinking about ending things with me, but maybe the devil means he doesn’t want to loose the sex and cuddles with me so is on the fence. Gosh, I hope I am wrong here.

Any other ideas? I know the tower card shouldn't scare us as it is just showing us changes in life. For some reason, it always does tho. Thanks in advance.