I’m struggling with cognitive dissonance. Mom is treating me like an ATM. AITAH for feeling resentful? (Long post)
I’m in my mid 30s and escaped my own culture 15 years ago as soon as I went to college. My parents divorced when I was 7. My dad had an affair and paid very little for child support. I gave my mom credits that she remained single and raised me up for 10 years straight. It was really tough mentally and financially. She did give me everything she can and considered me as her retirement. I didn’t have a problem with that until when I moved away, I realized I was traumatized by the divorce and they way she taught me. So many hateful conversations about my dad and his family. Not just from her but also from mom’s family. My parents never wanted me in the beginning. They wanted a boy. When my mom found out about the pregnancy, I think she wanted to terminate, but she already did it one or twice before, so she kept me because who knows…she might not be able to have another kid ever. So, from the beginning, I was a second thought of my parents. My mom got married to my dad just right after she broke up with her ex. There was no love between my mom and dad.
I visited my dad occasionally and my mom always said I need to ask for more money. He was not a great guy. My mom never stops hating him. Even now, she still said she IS a victim. He abandoned us to pick up other women. Eventually he remarried to one that’s much younger than my mom. I didn’t feel being loved by anyone growing up because I felt I was not enough. I was fearful of being abandoned. I had to be excellent to be accepted by my family.
15 years later, I met so many strangers along the way who taught me precious lessons. I was so lucky they were willing to support me when I needed the most without any conditions. It was an eye opening moment to me, when I met my husband. I stopped feeling guilty to enjoy myself a little. Stop being so harsh on myself. My life changed forever when my little was born almost 3 years ago. I vowed to end the generational trauma. As a mother, I stepped up to heal myself and to avoid any negativity from my past. Here the catch, my mom has been ignoring me since I left her house. She never visited me in college. Didn’t go to my college graduation. Didn’t visit me during my childbirth. Never met my kid. I’m the only child and decided to OAD. So this is going to be her only grandchild. She retired in Vietnam now and always uses a distance as an excuse. I understand that, but not even a message or call asking how her only child and grandchild are doing? Never bother sending any gifts or birthday/chrisrmas card to my kiddo. I’m a grownup. It’s fine if she doesn’t want to deal with me anymore but my kiddo is innocent. How time consuming it is for just one text? She made herself very clear the moment I left the house, she won’t ever help me out financially. She won’t pay for my wedding, down payment, car, or taking care of my kid. She forgot how to change diapers so I’d better not asking. I achieved most of adult milestones by myself. No family support. I accept my past and the family I came from though.
Howeve, a new situation came up that triggered my trauma. My mom was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year. She randomly texted me to ask for few grands here and there. I’m a high earner so I could afford to give my mom these funds. What makes me truly upset is my mom continues to not care about me or my kiddo. She just asked for money. Disappeared few weeks and asked for money again. Now the excuse is her sickness. She could watch Tiktok for entertainment and can’t even have a quick video chat with her grandkid? I have been communicating with her so many times for years, that I’m not happy with the way she disregarded me as an adult and my daughter. AITAH to feel resentful towards my mom?