u/jwkkwjjwk

that I’m continuing our lineage’s tradition.

I look at myself in the mirror and criticize the person who looks back at me on a daily basis. Not over the same things mom kindly pointed out, though. I already spent a life time and our family’s fortune trying to fix them, so I moved on to other things instead (thanks, though, for providing me with the means — although yall made them the problems in the first place)

I also make sure I don’t do something without doubting myself first. Why? Well, because according to yall, I can never do it. I’m never hard-working, smart, careful or lucky enough, anyway.

I hope yall are happy and proud that I followed your footsteps and became someone I myself hate so much

But, please do disown me, for I’m not going to pass down this toxicity. It ends here. Yall can cry to hell.

With love,

I literally felt a lot better after a month on 25mg. Then suddenly, this week, around week 5, I’m relapsing.

I used to have really bad cortisol rush feelings when I woke up and around 6-7pm. They were gone. Now the morning one came back :(

Is this normal?

I’m increasing my dose to 37.5mg per doctor’s advice, but I just feel so demotivated. Not to mention, while my sleep has been significantly improved, I’m always tired during the day.

and how does that look or feel like?

i just went through a breakup that wrecked my nervous system. before that i went through a divorce, loss of my soul dog and loss my mom.

but even without those incidents, i could never recall myself being “secure”

i put “” because they are foreign concepts to me

one pattern i have seen, though, was how i always have been hyperdependent on other people. i subconsciously expected them to solve my problem: the fear of abandonment and when they couldn’t, i became paranoid and sabotaging. obviously no one could, and the ones that kind of could passed away…

i’m seeing therapists now but it just seems… not feasible to become a new person i can’t vision a picture of.

i’m currently taking a pause in life. i’m going through a dating abstinence to at least explore how it is like to just be by, validate and focus on myself… i’m not sure this is going anywhere

any suggestions?

Theme: fear of abandonment (FoA)

Behaviors:
- assurance-seeking, lack of confidence, hyper-dependency
- sabotaging romantic relationship by testing love during crisis
- anxiety and worries
- “dating so they could complete me”

Most recent trigger:
- a breakup 2 months ago that gave me anxiety disorder. My body turned on fight-flight mode. I can’t move on and am feeling lost.

Childhood traumatic events:
- my dad walked down the stairs while my mom screamed at him (he cheated on her)
- my mom didn’t listen to me when I told her was in pain and everyone in my family thought I was the problem not the things that caused me the pain (in middle school)
- I moved abroad for 6-7 years and subconsciously I think I felt like I had to nurture myself because no one else could

Recent traumatic events:
- my mom passed away (we got really close during her last months)
- my soul dog passed away
- broke up with along-term ex

I went to 5 therapy sessions and it seems like they couldn’t pinpoint which of these to work on, in what order. I myself also doubted a lot if any of these specific events were the causes or even real. I only know they are traumatic because it felt emotional bringing them up.

Can any of you who went through EMDR give me suggestions? I’m in desperate need to feel better :(

My traumas (fear of abandonment) are the ones from childhood and the loss of my mom 3 years ago. 2 months ago I broke up with bf. It triggered me so bad, my nervous system crumbled. My mind and body are in the fight-flight mode most of time, even with medications and CBT EMDR etc.

However, those things only help me process the past and monitor my mind and body. But what seems to bar me from feeling better, which each and every related people seems to ignore: my body is not operating on facts anymore.

The environment I grew up in taught me to doubt and talk down on myself a lot. Even when I know that I’m not in danger even I don’t have my mom or my bf or my financial situation is not concerning at all, my body just doesn’t listen to me. The habit of doubting and talking down on myself just imprinted the insecurity in me so deep that no therapy could help, at least yet.

I need to change my belief system. That’s why I think hypnotherapy is the only thing that could foster this fact to me, so my body possibly stops resisting the fact that I’m safe and manifest safety and confidence.

Any thoughts? (Hypnotherapy is treated as archaic and not medically approved where I live in)

It is said 1 in 10 has gastritis as a side effect. Idk why that one has to be me. It has been affecting my appetite a lot when valdoxan itself shouldn’t cause appetite loss.

I noticed that gastritis was more manageable if I had breakfast and if I slept upright (about 30 degree) and if I refrained from stomach-upsetting food.

On days I didn’t do any of these, the next day I would become so bloated and gassy. It’s only been 3 weeks so I have to deal with this for… essentially 5 more months?

Anyone also has the same effect?

Ps. I take valdoxan before bed

Last month, I went through one of the most difficult breakups in my life. I have a fear of abandonment (from losing loved ones), so although I knew that the relationship was very dysfunctional and that I had to choose myself by leaving, my body still went into full panic mode.

My body and mind were so uncontrollable. In the first month, I became obsessed with moving on, healing, and bettering myself. I listened to podcasts about attachment styles, read self-help books, and went from one therapy session to another. Nothing worked. I would feel relieved but later be back at square one the next morning.

That’s when I gave up….

The week I decided to surrender—to stop trying, magically became the week I felt the least anxious. My sleep got better and I stopped having panic attacks.

Whenever the anxious thoughts came up, I’d whisper to myself, “These thoughts are just my body’s reaction to traumas. Ending the relationship was the most sensible and self-respecting thing I could do. Thank you (my nervous system) for always trying to protect me, but you can relax now. This too shall pass. You don’t need to fight it anymore. We are safe.”

After repeating this to myself over and over (probably 20 times), it was like I unlocked a new skill. I could stop the spiral before it took over.
And that’s when I finally felt the real, most present emotion: grief.

I lost what I thought was the love of my life. Of course I’m sad. Of course I’m heartbroken. That’s the realest emotion, everything else is just my body reacting to old wounds.

I realized I had been overdoing and living everywhere except the present. Analyzing the breakup kept me in the past, while obsessing over healing kept me in the future.

Stop resisting. Be in the present. Be more compassionate towards your mind and body. This is the only way you can lose the grip and stop feeding the breakup the power. Moving on is freeing yourself from the past and the fears of the future that may never arrive. Trust the power of time and destiny. Everything else can come later after you are freed.

Rooting for us ❤️‍🩹

This is my last post and I will unsubscribe this thread. Thank you everyone who has been a part of my journey.

Background: The breakup was messy. His avoidant tendencies triggered my anxious attachment, and we decided to end things. A month later, I broke no contact out of overflowing emotions, and we had an amicable closure. Neither of us has fully moved on, but we agreed to do our best to—and as sad as that sounds, it’s the healthiest thing we can do.

Now, five weeks post-breakup, I still wake up with a cortisol rush, sleep poorly, and miss him every day. But I forced myself to get back out there—even downloaded dating apps. Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. There’s no shame in meeting new people.
It’s not about replacing your ex. It’s about accepting that the relationship has ended and that life continues.

2. Healing and moving forward can happen at the same time.
It still feels forced sometimes, but waiting until I’m completely “over it” only delays the life I want. I want a life partner. Staying stuck in something that’s already over won’t get me there.

3. You’ll probably never feel 100% ready.
Being “not ready” doesn’t mean bringing unresolved baggage into every date, though. It means continuing to heal while staying open to new possibilities simultaneously.

4. Detach yourself from the outcome.
This only works if you’re not dating to fill the void or prove something. I’m dating again not because I desperately need someone, but because I don’t want to spend months waiting for a future that no longer exists.

5. Convince your mind before your heart catches up.
My hormones still miss him, but my mind knows the breakup was for the best. That allows me to keep improving myself while staying open to new possibilities.

I don’t feel like I lost my value because of the relationship ending. It was never about me being good enough or not—it was about incompatibility. And I shouldn’t want someone who fundamentally couldn’t meet my emotional needs.

6. Taking it slow has taken away the guilt.

I’ve decided there’s no rush. Because of that, I don’t feel guilty that I’m still recovering. I don’t feel guilty about going on dates while my ex still crosses my mind sometimes.

I see those thoughts for what they are: a normal response from a brain that’s adjusting to loss. I can’t always control when they show up, but I can control what I do with them or whether I should give them the power.

7. Reflection has an endpoint.

I could only get to this point after taking full accountability for the part I played in the relationship. But accountability isn’t the same as self-blame.

In fact, I think dating again—slowly and intentionally—is a better place to practice what I’ve learned than spending months endlessly analyzing the relationship that ended. Growth happens in real life, not just in reflection.

I’m not dating to replace my ex. I’m simply refusing to put my life on hold. And when the right person comes along, I believe those lingering thoughts will naturally fade even faster.

Rooting for us 🤍❤️‍🩹

I’m in week 5 after breaking up with an avoidant and reached the acceptance stage already. Here are some tips if you want to reach that stage soon: https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/ALF9Ok6NZi

Since I have gone through the grief and reflections already, I accept that the relationship has ended and the process of unloving is on the way for both sides. However, grief is never linear even after acceptance. I lost to the temptation to check up on him last night.

**Why it wasn’t a bad idea**

It’s the first time we talked with reasons since we broke up. It was all emotions then. Although deep down I expected the worst: him not replying at all (which would be ok, that would give me even a clearer closure — and you should reach out only if you can accept the risk), it went very amiably and compassionately. It’s still a good bye, though, because we, especially him, don’t know how to move past this. He said he’s still not ready to meet or be friends and want to keep the distance (it’s very him because this would require too much emotional handling, something he always lacks). And deep down I know I deserve someone with more compatibility and the damages couldn’t be undone, too, no matter how much I wish they would be. So we part ways with good wishes for one another.

Now everytime I ruminate and when the what ifs and the urge to reach him arises, this conversation will pop up and end the spiraling. Soon enough the brain will make this conversation the knowledge about this relationship and I’ll be 100% moved on.

**Why it was a bad idea**

I feed the idea to him that I still love him and wanted to work things out at one point even after the breakup. The dynamic is no longer in my favor no matter what the future circumstances are.

I know it shouldn’t matter but I also gave him the power to say no when I was the one who broke up with him because the boundaries were crossed.

And I realized that breakup is a one person journey. Talk doesn’t really matter if you are going to be strangers anyways, I guess.

Very petty but I also saw that he had earned more followers, which he rarely did through out the relationship. However, that shouldn’t matter and I regret seeing it because it made me kind of anxious.

However, I forgive myself. Honesty is always my top trait. I don’t regret checking on him if he wanted to retry “us”, saying sorry, thank you and best wishes to him

Rooting for everyone 🤍 Still support everyone to let go and stop resisting and pulling the rope and let the fate do its work

Conclusion: Unless there are other mutual benefits or responsibilities tying you together, it’s simply not worth the emotional cost. At some point, it becomes a sunk cost.

A therapy session once a week can only do so much. You end up becoming his therapist at home too, expected to support his healing every day while fighting your own battles.

The hardest part is that avoidant tendencies constantly trigger your anxiety. You’re left questioning your worth and wondering whether he’ll leave again the moment things get difficult.

You can’t ask for too much because he may pull away. You can’t get too close because he may feel suffocated. But when you give him space, he starts wondering if he’s done something wrong.

Avoidants often don’t know how to work through problems together. They’ve spent years suppressing emotions and calling it logic. Missing them feels like pressure. Telling them you’re hurt becomes incompatibility. Apologies are rare because protecting their peace comes first.

Unless you can somehow silence the anxiety their behavior repeatedly triggers, it’s a battle you’re unlikely to win.

In the end, it was too much fighting for too little return. I gave up.I’ve never felt so alone or so unreciprocated in a relationship.I don’t care that his actions were trauma-induced—I wasn’t the one who caused that trauma. I don’t care how much we loved each other during the good times when, during the bad times, I was the first thing he considered discarding.

And if I’m being fair, I played a part too. Every time I took him back, I taught him that leaving had no consequences.

Please, God, don’t make me love someone like that again.

We broke up in the first week of June due to him being an anxious avoidant and I started to become the anxious version that I wasn’t proud of. I was the one breaking up after yet another hurtful fight. Me being the dumper didn’t make it less difficult because I had no choice but to leave to protect my own broken heart 😢. It’s been almost 4 weeks and I’m feeling much better. Insomnia is still pretty bad, but improved, though.

Here are some of my breakup realizations that sure will help you get through yours:

1. Accept that love was always the foundation. It was the bare minimum (you don’t date someone you don’t love). It was never the issue. You guys DID love each other, hence, you were/are never unlovable, ugly or too much

2. Accept that the version of them who loved you is… dead. The version of them that you decided to step away from is now their current and permanent state. You can’t go back to someone who’s already dead. Get rid of the thought while also see it as a hormone inducing rumination: Your brain is just making your body crave for the source familiarity — it’s just biology, not you or them

3. Every time you spiral, accept and remind yourself that you are mourning the dead version of them, the good times that passed and the lost opportunities. There’s nothing to mourn about who they are now. You didn’t sign up for that. You knew you deserved better than that.

4. Everything you are feeling is normal and everyone (or at least >99%) survived multiple breakups
   Use “I” instead of “they”. “I don’t want to feel insecure while loving someone”, “I want to be chosen, always”, NOT “he is anxious and it makes me insecure”. You are making the whole experience about yourself, not anyone else

5. You may lose to rumination and the urge to vent. It’s normal but going back to what happened only slows down your progress. You can vent but journaling is a better form of catharsis (as you don’t want to bring negative energies to other people). Whatever you do, though, focus on YOUR feelings and experiences only (go back to 4.)

6. Distract yourself. Go completely NC (you can block them for the time being). You are basically getting rid of them to HEAL YOURSELF FROM THEM. Anything that reminds you of them will only slow you down

7. This is not the time to reflect anything. That will come naturally once you heal, which you will — soon. Everything that happened was real. That’s all you need to know for the time being.

8. HEAL HEAL HEAL. You will come out of this stronger and lighter. Anything else is unknown and in the future. Don’t fret because only when you are healed, things will naturally work out.

9. Replace the memories of them with new activities, even new obsessions like TV shows, books (do not read self-help books now, again it’s not time to reflect anything)

10. For people with insecure attachments who are probably thinking they are dying now, know that this is you reacting to your own trauma. It’s never about them (who’s now dead, btw). You will address this later once they are gone gone

11. Be confident and let them lose you. There’s nothing haughty about knowing what you have brought and can bring to the table

12. For beggers (I almost begged him, too), know that humans only want something in scarcity not excess. Showing that you want them so much WILL backfire big time. It’s a harsh truth but if the feelings were mutual, why aren’t they doing anything? Why didn’t they choose you?

Good luck 🤍! If I could do it, you will be able to do it!