u/kananball0114

My ex is an ENTJ, and we broke up a little over two months ago. He was the one who ended the relationship, and we’ve been completely no contact since then.
His birthday is coming up, and I’m considering sending just a simple “Happy birthday!” — nothing emotional or heavy.
The thing is, after the breakup I’ve done a lot of reflecting. I’ve realized there were things I could have handled better, I understand my own values much more clearly now, and I also see our relationship dynamic differently than I did when we broke up.
Part of me would eventually like to tell him those things — not on his birthday, but maybe a few weeks later. I’m not planning to ask him to get back together or try to convince him that the breakup was wrong. I just genuinely feel like there are things I never communicated properly, and I’d like to say them once and then leave the ball in his court.
I’d be lying if I said I had absolutely zero hope of reconciliation, but I’m also getting on with my life and I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to contact him that I used to.
So, especially from an ENTJ perspective:
Would you prefer an ex to leave you completely alone after you ended the relationship? Or would you be open to hearing their reflections a few months later if they approached you calmly and without pressure?
And would sending a casual birthday message first make the later conversation feel more natural, or would you rather they just contact you directly when they actually have something meaningful to say?

I’m 29F, and I recently broke up with my boyfriend, 32M, after being together for about a year and four months.
I first saw him almost ten years ago in my university cafeteria. He was an international student from Germany, and I was immediately drawn to him. I remember thinking he was exactly my type, even before I knew anything about him. We were in the same class, but nothing happened between us at the time.
Years later, he followed me on Instagram, we reconnected, and eventually started dating. In some ways, it felt like a long-held fantasy had suddenly become real.
Since I was young, I had always admired international students and people with global, intellectual lives. I studied abroad as a teenager, and I’ve always been especially drawn to Europe and Germany. My ex was German, highly educated, had studied at Oxford, and was pursuing an academic career.
He represented so many things I had admired for years: intelligence, ambition, Germany, Europe, elite education, and a life that felt bigger and more exciting than my own.
Being chosen by someone I had once admired from a distance also made me feel special. Sometimes dating him felt like dating my ideal rather than simply dating another human being.
At the same time, I did love many real things about him: his face, his voice, his affection, his humor, our physical connection, our routines, and the ordinary time we spent together.
Our relationship became difficult during the last two months. I became emotionally unstable, we struggled to communicate, and he decided that we were not compatible long-term.
Since the breakup, I’ve been obsessing over losing him and worrying that I’ll never meet anyone who feels as impressive or attractive to me again.
How can you tell whether you loved someone as a person, or whether you were partly in love with the idea of them and everything they represented?
Is it possible that I genuinely loved him, but that the fact that he had been my “ideal” for years made the attachment much stronger?
Sometimes I wonder whether I’m grieving him, the fantasy I had carried since university, or the version of myself I felt I could become by being with him.

My ex (32M) and I (29F) broke up at the end of May after being together for about a year and four months.
He ended the relationship because he felt that we had some fundamental differences in values and that my words and actions were sometimes inconsistent. He also felt that I depended on him emotionally too much and that we were not able to communicate constructively when problems came up.
At the time, I felt overwhelmed and did not fully understand what he was trying to tell me. Since the breakup, however, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on the relationship. I can now see some of the patterns he was pointing out, and I have started making changes for myself, not just because I want him back.
I have also realized that I was unhappy with parts of my career and was relying too much on the relationship for emotional security. I am now trying to build a life that feels more fulfilling and stable independently of him.
A part of me wants to contact him around September, about three months after the breakup, and ask whether he would be open to meeting briefly. I would like to acknowledge what I understood and take responsibility for my part. I would not want to pressure him or argue against his decision.
However, I have to be honest that I still love him, and a part of me hopes that hearing about my realizations might make him reconsider. I am worried that if he refuses to meet or tells me clearly that his feelings have not changed, I will feel rejected all over again.
Would contacting him be a healthy way to express what I have learned and get closure, or would it be better to leave him alone and continue moving forward without saying anything?
TL;DR: My ex ended our relationship because of differences in values, communication problems, and some unhealthy patterns on my side. After reflecting and making changes, I am considering contacting him three months after the breakup to share what I realized. I still have some hope of reconciliation, so I am unsure whether reaching out would help or only hurt me again.

元カレ（32歳・男・ドイツ人・たぶんENTJ）が、1年4か月付き合った後、約3週間前に別れてくれた。私は（29歳・女・日本人）。
付き合い始めのころ、彼は「君の感情の深さがすごくいいし、人とつながる力がある」って言ってくれてた。だけど時間が経つにつれて、そのバランスがだんだん不健康になっていった。私は関係にどんどん感情的に依存するようになって、感情のほうが反応を左右することが多くなった。
別れる数週間前に、彼は「関係について真面目に話したい」って言ってきた。問題をその場で受け止めて話し合う代わりに、私は即座に「別れるべき？」って聞いちゃった。今振り返ると、それって問題に正面から向き合うより、不快感や先の見えなさから逃げてた瞬間だったんだと思う。後悔してる。
彼は「お互いまだ愛してる。でも価値観とかライフスタイルとか、人生への向き合い方に関して根本的な違いがある」って言ってた。別れてからは、自己反省をたくさんして、自分の中で前は気づけなかったパターンが見えてきた。
私はよく、関係の中で「認められるため」と「進む方向」を求めて、自分のアイデンティティを自分で作ることができてなかったって気づいた。それに、自分はこうしたいって言ってることと、実際に自分が取ってる行動のズレにも悩んでた。もっと大きく言うと、私は自分の選択や成長に対する責任を避けがちで、「関係が安心感や目的をくれるはず」だと期待してしまってた。自分で作らなきゃいけなかったのに。
別れてからは、もっと自分主導で動けるようにしたり、自分の決断に責任を持ったり、どんな関係に依存せずともちゃんと意味のある人生を作ることに取り組んでる。
わりといい感じで終わって、彼も「少し距離を置こう」って提案してくれた。
質問なんだけど、もし誰かが後になって（関係を終えた側が）数か月後に、こんなメッセージを送ったとしたら意味あるのかな？たとえ相手が明確に「よりを戻したい」って頼んでるわけじゃなくても、話し合うために会うのはアリ？それとも多くの人は「遅すぎるし今さら」って見ちゃうのかな？
特に、別れを自分から切り出した側の人たちの意見が聞けたらうれしい。