u/kijakajik

Hi all. Hoping I can get some advice from fellow twins. Those who understand the life that comes with it.

I know there are twins that get along, those that are in between, and those that don’t get along and are estranged.

I feel like my relationship with mine is the latter, and I know comparison is the thief of joy, but if I could ask for words that might help me know how I can try to navigate this feeling I have of being the lesser twin, I really would appreciate it a lot.

My twin has always been exceptional. Lots of people have acknowledged her abilities, have praised her, and have supported her. I don’t think I don’t come with my own strengths, but it feels like these days, every time I’m seen with her, I take the identity of being the lesser.

There are many things I like that she likes, many things I want to be, to do, and to have that she has. But a lot of the time, I feel like I’ve had to downplay my interests, make myself into the funny silly twin who’s dumb for entertainment around others, and stay the way I am to make way for her, since it would be unnatural for me to be more than that since it’s associated to her identity. And even if I tried, I have this fear that my twin will become jealous and competitive, as she has shown in the past. My relationship with her isn’t good because of this insecurity, and while she doesn’t show it to those around her, she has a habit of talking me down, making me feel like I’m not as good as her, that I’m mediocre because everyone around her tells her how amazing she is and how unlikable or pathetic I am, also that I’m a bum like the rest of our family members (whom she thinks are also lesser) for not being able to be better like her and catch up or become as good as her or those around her.

I know by the sound of it that I really shouldn’t listen to those words she says. But it’s hard when you’re a twin, and everyone around you knows who you both are, and have a set image (and therefore expectations) in their minds about both of you. I want to be happy and successful and my own person too, but I feel like because she is there, I’ll always be seen as lesser. And it’s a hard feeling to take. I don’t want to believe I am, and I don’t want loved ones to make me believe I am either. It just feels hard to step out of my twins shadow, because just by her being there it’s hard just to be myself without my whole life and others shifting their perspective of who I am because of who she is.

I have just always wanted a supportive twin, but that’s not what I have. Since we were little, my twin has always made everything a competition—who wins in an argument, who’s leading a better more successful life, who’s got more people backing and supporting her in her life, all of this feels like something I just want to run from because I was born a twin, so everything I do will always be compared to her. I want to live calmly and be successful quietly, but she wants to make a scene and become someone great, and if I do anything that will make her look little, the toxicity comes. I don’t want this anymore! It’s come to the point where I’ve recently been finding myself withdrawing from all our shared friends, not being there for all the important occasions because I find out things like how she’s helping organize events for these important milestones in their lives, or how close I hear their friendship is. I fear trying to put in effort in my friendships with those I share with her because I don’t want to compete and try to make myself feel like I’m just like her. It just really sucks!

I know it’s an unpleasant and very negative way of thinking, but I want to come to terms with being okay with who I am, and not fearing that I’m the lesser. I know I feel flat in life because it’s probably something I feel I have to be to keep this up. How do I get through this? I just want to not have to compete, or do things and make decisions in my life that seek to prove I’m not the lesser.

That’s all, sorry this is so negative. I really do just want some help trying to break free from this cycle I keep finding myself in. I appreciate anyone who has advice to share on this.

Hi! 😊 To start off, I’ve been single far longer than I have dated, and honestly? I’m learning that, although I care about growing my career and further exploring my interests, at the end of the day what seems to resound clearly in my heart is to have a “family.” To have my own “home” at some point. I’m family-oriented, since I grew up with a loving family, and although not a perfect one, it means a lot to me.

Had a great deal of confusion within myself for a while since I have an older sibling who is a real overachiever and is hoping to become someone great in her career. I admire it greatly and share the hope that I could become great at what I do as well, and I’d love to be of help in the grand scheme of things, but I know at the end of the day my heart settles somewhere else. So I guess I came to that realization that I do want a family one day. 🥺

I’m not looking to rush the process though, I’m from a home that’s sort of traditional, and I would like to do things the slow way if possible. My last relationship was one I got into happily and willingly, but we were from opposite worlds and that made things a bit of a mess. If anything I’d love to start off slow with someone who probably is the same as well.

Wrote a lot, for sure there’s more to talk about, but here are a few things about me and you for transparency!

About Me
• 28yo
• Date to marry type 🥺
• Working (I wrote remotely!)
• From QC (North)
• If physique matters, 4’9, and I’m on the chubby side. But I’ve been meaning to get into shape! :) And for clarity, I’m not the conventional definition of pretty so if that’s what you’re looking for here’s that 😊
• I enjoy cooking, baking, and crocheting 🧶 ✨ I also like watching anime, movies, series, reading (fantasy books—and no! Not the booktok kind 😭, webtoons/manhwa, on the occasion something to expand my knowledge 😊), going to art conventions, listening to music, writing, and on the occasion casual gaming.
• Christian
• Personality-wise? I’m quiet a lot but can be energetic at times! I’ve been described as happy-go-lucky, and I love sharing things throughout the day! :) I’m introverted so I like time alone but I’m always happy to spend time with friends or loved ones especially these days 😊

About You
• The same age range! 😊 (I’d stop at 32!)
• Would be nice if you’re from QC too (I’m closer to Marikina) but I’m okay if you’re not from around QC area
• I’d appreciate it if you don’t have any vices or bad habits 🥺
• Would be nice if you’re also the date to marry sort!
• Christian too
• Working as well!
• Cares about family (family oriented)
• Personality wise, I’m usually drawn to guys who like talking and even silence on the occasion! Also is kind hearted, and has a good head over their shoulders, loves having fun on the occasion, and are humble and down to earth. Balanced on all accounts!
• No debt, or anything or anyone hanging about that should be left in the past! 🥺

I think that’s about all for the moment. If you have any questions feel free to shoot a dm! 🤗 If you want a conversation starter, tell me how life’s been going for you these days! What “side quests” are you on? Pretty much anything! Would be happy to talk! 😁

For years have always been trying to be friendly and genuinely happy to see my sibling have their wins, and when they’re vulnerable and rant to me about their emotional problems and their thoughts. I was always trying to be supportive in my own capacity. And above all I never wanted to get physical or jump at the chance to scrutinize them, judge them, laugh at them in their lowest moments.

Hirap when you hold out and try to be kind to someone who only sees you as a source for their insecurity and cares about being right, getting their ego stroked, and more. Parang wala na akong narinig na genuinely consistent kind words sa Ate ko, only when it suits her and kapag okay mood niya.

Otherwise, ayaw niya talaga sakin pero pag wala siyang makausap about sa problems niya pupuntahan niya ako, tapos pagnafeel niya na supported siya daming flowery words. Ngayon na nastroke ego niya and may mga mayayaman na friends siya na admire na admire niya na sinasabi niya gusto niyang maging katulad nila and reflection ata daw na yan yung mga tao she wants to grow to become kaya they keep coming into her life, ngayon dropped me like nothing and treats me like a nobody, instead like always as she used to do sinisiraan niya lang ako sa kanila to prove to herself tama mga moral ideals niya and gawa niya.

Parang gusto ko lang ng older sibling na I can be friendly with and normal around for once, who genuinely supports me and encourages me, not beats me down kapag insecure siya with herself or sa buhay niya. Gusto ko lang ng peace. Siya na nga lang only blood related sibling ko tapos mas ginugusto pa niyang siraan ako and revels in her own success and uses herself to model what a successful person is like.

She loves to give me lectures on money pero herself has problems impulse buying. Talks down to me pero when I share yung mga bago kong mga activities because I want to push past my comfort zone, gagayahin niya. Pero at the same time scrutinizes me. Nakakapagod!!! Ayoko na ng toxicity na ganito. I always wanted her to be happy and find peace and even get to know God pero now na she “knows God” parang mas naginflate pa ego niya. Tapos maririnig ko nalang sa kanya na sinumbong niya ako sa online Christian friends niya from all sorts of denominations who’re only agreeing with her about how she’s treating me.

I made the decision to cut her off na talaga and not care anymore. I feel weird kasi I did this when I was younger and felt no remorse, dami pa niyang sinabi na “you traumatized me” with that, pero somehow I find myself still feeling the same things today and still not caring. I feel bothered but at the same time know how bad she has been a presence in my life, when she asks me “do you ever think how life would feel like if you died? I feel like i would be sad” sasabihin niya pero when I think about it happening with her, di ko nalng sinasbi, pero I feel nothing for the thought.

I just want an older sibling na maayos makasama, na I feel like I’m an actual sibling to. Nakakapagod yung ganito, ginagawa pang personality yung pagka older sister. Also, not just to me pero sa iba naming kapatid ganito din siya. During a tough time sa buhay namin lagi siyang may bouts of anger na nagvevent and rant siya ng masasamang bagay sa kanila, and I would try to see both sides, pero ngayon she seems to flip the image, parang ako pa yung di ko iniisip yung iba. I hate it here!!!!

Anyway no idea about the structure of this post, just really tired and pent up sa kanya. Rant over 😔! Time to look ahead 😊