u/kvssixy

i know it seems like maybe one of the more simple aspects but i’ll start out steady and start tripping up.
is there anything that’s helped people or just more practice?

I’m not exactly sure where to post this or what i’m looking for. Maybe somewhere to talk or get advice from people who have been through similar things.
I’m 25 female recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and i have an intense family history of alcohol. I started drinking and smoking and all that as a young teenager and my dad supplied me with most.
Once i was 20 and out on my own i continued. Thinking it wasn’t a problem and i’m younger experiencing college like things. Even though most of my drinking was alone or with my best friend.
I also had an issue with xanax which i’ve done very well with until recently.
Now im 25 and for the last 4 years ive been struggling with my drinking. I drink alone and socially. Pretty much every emotion i have i want to pair with drinking like anger, sadness, excitement, grief, fear, happiness everything makes me think “i should drink.”
But i also can’t just drink one or two to celebrate or cope. I understand people saying “well just stop” but it feels impossible once i start i just want to go up and up and reach this amazing level of freedom and sometimes i do but i often end up very sad and beating dead horses.
i’m married and my wife knows my problems
and for the last 3 weeks I’ve really been trying to stop but now i’ve found myself hiding it like after work i’ll get a couple high percentage small drinks and chug them before my wife gets home.
i feel very guilty but still keep doing it.
I know I’m an alcoholic but the idea of being sober is terrifying bc quitting completely seems like such a big thing and like i won’t have that to connect with people socially but trying to find an in between is a whole struggle itself. I do smoke weed but it never feels like enough.
Recently i had a bad day and drank A LOT i ended up using xanax and felt so guilty i was out of it, sobbing on the floor when my wife came home and i told her.
I just feel defeated and like i think don’t want to drink but the thought of stopping completely feels like cutting off someone i love.
i’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense or there’s a lot of typos im typing this out on my phone but thank you for reading.