How can i learn any of the things my mum was meant to teach me
I lost my mum about 3 years ago now, when i was about 12 years old.
Up until around that point i was very much in my (for want of a better word) ‘tomboy era’ where i was absolutely rejecting anything feminine. As a result of this, and my age, my mum never really got the opportunity to teach me anything like shaving, buying bras etc etc. I’m absolutely clueless when it comes to a lot of things like buying bras etc, and so i just get so overwhelmed and emotional whenever i try because it feels like it always goes wrong. I don’t know how to ask anyone for help and just end up feeling so much shame when i do, and nobody understands this so its just so i just stay away from it but i really can’t keep doing so because i’ve been wearing a sports bra for over a year because everytime i try to buy a new bra, it’s too small or it’s the wrong type or it’s just goes do wrong somehow.
I have my older sister, she’s two year older than me (about to turn 18) but i don’t feel comfortable asking her any of this stuff. It’s not because of her, but i feel so stupid and shameful every single damn time i try to ask because, to her, this stuff is obvious and she just can’t understand how i get so stressed about it or how i can keep getting it all so wrong. I tried buying bras on my own once, but panicked so much and ended up buying extreme push ups (yup i realized soon after i chose the wrong ones), i felt so ashamed of myself and just hid them at the back of my cupboard, my sister ended up finding them and took the piss out of me. She thought it was funny and kept asking me why on earth i would buy them but everytime she did i just kept hating myself a little more for being so so fucking stupid.
Writing this i just want to scream, because it all sounds so petty and small and i only came here to write a small message asking for advice but it’s turned into this and i actually just don’t know how i’ll be able to function much longer like this.
Growing up, i rejected all femininity but as years went by it became more because i thought i could never be feminine than because i didn’t want to. Now the thought of attempting to wear a dress or straighten my hair or anything just makes me feel like an imposter, not because i don’t want to do these things but because i just can’t break down the walls and expectations i built for myself.
I try to ask my sister for advice but she cannot comprehend the fact that i don’t know, i was never taught, i never had friends i could ask for help on this, and i’ve just built up so much shame around these things that i can’t even teach myself and have put them off as long as possible.
I originally only came on here to ask for advice on just like the first paragraph but have had to stop myself going off on even more of a tangent
Thankyou if you made it to the end