u/lucardthevlad

The hatred i bare towards myself is unbearable.

For the past 6 years, six long years ive hated myself from the second i woke up till the second slept. I get my highs every now and again, but they never amount to anything.

I hate myself, so so much.

Its unbearable.

I want to just dig my own grave and never get out.

What ive been doing has just been making me worse, but i cant stop.

I want to stop.

I want to cry but i cant let anyone suspect that im going through anything.

Im just tired of everything.

I want to let go, my hatred for myself sometimes gets to me, and its made me think of hundreds of ways to end it, but i cant.

I just despise the fact that i cant stop or commit to ending it.

Im a disappointment.

I just want to die.

Even though i know im not supposed to want that, but i still do.

this is honestly the first ever game that i shed tears over, i panicked when i got told the truth on what would happen if niko returns the sun and my heart sank, i didnt know what to do, i was panicking a lot. but at the end, i made the choice to return it, because in my opinion, sending niko back would only make them guilty, making them choose themself over the world, i just..

edit: IM BACK IM BACK????

I JUST DID MY LAST FINAL OF SENIOR YEAR!!! IM DONE WITH SCHOOL AND WILL BE GRADUATING WITH HONORSSSSSS

ive played the game cracked for a long time, and im finally buying it tommorow, anyone interested in joining? i havent played it coop before and i really wanna play with someone.

ive gone a week now, ill start making weekly updates from now on, ill keep doing my best to stay focused and not relapse, the longest ive gone is ten days, so this time, ill aim for going till i quit fully.

i feel better, i almost relapsed yesterday. Usually when i relapse, i go into a sort of mindless state if that makes sense? my body and hands just move on their own, that almost happened but i broke it. Ive been more consistent now, ive been praying all 5 prayers at their time, ive been reading more quran, ever since i spoke out about my addiction here, i felt like a stone was lifted off my heart, ill keep going, and if i get to a full week, ill start making weekly updates

Ive been playing the game for so long, but ive only ever played alone. all my friends dont play it or dont care for it. I just REALLY wanna play it with someone.

ive been doing decent since my last post, ive changed up my routine, im sleeping early, praying on time, reading at least 2 surha every day, im going to the gym, and ive seen triggers but they didnt affect me as they usually do. ill keep going and ill keep trying my best, and ill be rid of this inshaallaa