u/luckyswan69

I know I am going to anger some people, but I just saw another "I love Hayden. He's so funny!" in the wild and I just gotta say I don't understand the Hayden lovers! He's so boring. Ok, bye.

My eating has gotten more and more restrictive over time, so I am really trying to push back and eat more things that give me anxiety. It sucks feeling anxious a lot, but I know that if I keep going it will get easier. Here are some fear-inducing foods that I ate anyway last week!

• Dave's Killer Bread 21 Whole Grains and Seeds (Just a couple of bites on one day and then a half of a slice a few days later)
• Strawberry Pocky (I used to really like this so it made me happy even though I didn't like it as much this time)
• A blueberry filled donut that tasted weird to me (I got someone else to taste it to make sure it was just me and it wasn't actually bad lol - I ate about half of it)
• Two bites of some kind of peach cinnamon focaccia stuff that I didn't know what ingredients were in it at all (Only two bites because I hate not knowing what is in something but it was good)
• Some pizza that I was afraid had hot honey on it (But then after tasting it I realized it didn't even have hot honey lol)
• A latte that I thought tasted weird (I got someone else to taste it and they said it tasted fine so I just pushed through and finished it - sometimes milk randomly tastes weird to me and I get scared that it is spoiled or "contaminated" even though it isn't)
• Buffet style food and cake at a party (Did someone put their dirty hands on it? I don't know but I ate it anyway)
• A bite of a vegan croissant (What is even in a vegan croissant? I don't know but I ate a bite.)
• Some brisket that was really fatty (Ew this grosses me out so much so I didn't finish it but I ate a lot more than I wanted to)

Backstory: I have Burning Mouth Syndrome which makes your mouth have really uncomfortable sensations, but before figuring out what the problem actually is I was misdiagnosed with food allergies (walnuts and pecans). My OCD made me so obsessive about avoiding allergens, btu I kept having the same "symptoms" and eventually got more testing that showed I actually don't have allergies at all. I even had to sit in the doctors office and eat SO MANY walnuts and pecans. Even though that all turned out fine, I was still scared to eat walnuts and pecans. So I avoided it. Big mistake. Huge. Then one day I thought about how when I was a child I loved eating kiwis even though the enzymes in them irritate my mouth if I ate too many (I am so sensitive and this is not surprising). Despite knowing that I had eaten kiwis plenty of times since then, I started to feel afraid of kiwis. I didn't feel like dealing with the anxiety of eating a kiwi, so I avoided them. A few years have passed and the list of foods I am afraid of kept growing. The Burning Mouth Syndrome was especially troublesome because, despite knowing that I have a physical condition that causes these symptoms, my anxiety would always say "What is it is an allergy?" Now I am a much pickier eater than I ever was before!

Foods I avoid now: All nuts, seafood, avocados, eggplants, summer squash, zucchinis, flax seeds, kiwis and all other tropical fruits, apples, sometimes random things like a candy that has ingredients that I don't recognize, ramen, and uhh... idk probably more.

I realized how big this problem has gotten, especially since I am trying to be a healthier eater and my typical safe foods like mac and cheese are not giving my body the nutrients it deserves. So now I am trying to make myself eat the foods that scare me! I am starting with some that are the least scary and eventually build up to the ones that feel more difficult. I am looking forward to being able to have a lot more foods in my diet and not feel so restricted! So far, the difficulty (once I make myself eat the thing) is not treating it like an allergy test and like scanning my body for symptoms afterwards. The Burning Mouth Syndrome is definitely an interesting element, but I feel determined to keep going!

The foods I ate today that I was afraid of: Dave's Killer Bread (the one with tons of different seeds and grains) and Pocky (strawberry flavor - yum).

Me: Being my normal self - a person who has eaten apples their whole life and never had a single issues with apples - thinking maybe I want to eat an apple.

The primal monkey-part of my brain that is driven by survival, fears, and vibes: What if you are allergic to apples?

Me: Okayyy, well, I'm not.

Monkey brain: Okay, but I am scared because what if you are.

Me: I.... I don't know what to say to you right now. Apples are fine. I'm gonna eat an apple.

Monkey brain: Okay, but if you do then I will set off the safety alarms and release all of the anxiety inducing brain chemicals in here.

Me: Okay I really don't have time for that right now.

Monkey brain: So you won't eat the apple?

Me: Nope - not eating the apple.

Monkey brain: See I was right!!! She didn't eat the apple because apples are dangerous. Never forget. Apples = danger.

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Monkey brain: We did it 🙂

I already deal with anxiety on a daily basis, but rarely get panic attacks... until now it seems. Twice recently I have had a panic attack kick in (0 to 100 in an instant) when I get a hot flash. None of my usual calming techniques seem to help and the panic attack persists long after the hot flash ends. For anyone else with this problem, is there a reasonable way to manage this? I can't just ride the panic attack wave if this starts happening all the time because I need to function 😞

I like watching short form videos of people doing their beauty routines because it makes me feel inspired to spend time and energy on my own. What are some of your fave creators that make this kind of content?