Not wanting to help sister in law to move in her apartment
My boyfriend (22) and I (22) live together and have been a couple for three years. I’ve met his family several times, and everything goes well—except with his sister (20). She completely ignores me: she says hello and goodbye but never really talks to me. She doesn't really talk to her brother (my boyfriend) either. I really tried to strike up a conversation with her at the beginning, but nothing worked. She’s been dating a guy in the army (24) for four years, and they decided to move in together (without telling their parents) back in May. When the apartment was furnished, they invited my boyfriend's parents and their cousins to come see it—but not us, lol. The problem is, she couldn't find a job in their town. Luckily for her, she found an apprenticeship an hour and a half away from their apartment, so they decided to move again to be closer to work. My issue is that she just messaged my boyfriend asking if we were free on September 5th, without saying why. He said we were, and she asked us to come help her move. What bothers me is that she has never made any effort with me from the very start. For instance, I always make sure to wish her a happy birthday personally; my boyfriend and I even bought her a gift for her 20th. She’s asking us for this favor on August 15th, even though my birthday was the 11th and I didn't get a single message from her... Honestly, I find that pretty outrageous. Plus, the move is two and a half hours away from us... For comparison, my little sister recently moved for her studies and my boyfriend went to help us, but the difference is that she and he get along really well—she looks at him like a brother. So, I don't know.
I don't really have a choice, but I’d like your opinion because maybe I’m being too self-centered, but I really don't see why I should help her when she literally doesn't acknowledge my existence...
UPDATE !!! :
First of all, I’d like to address my use of the term "sister-in-law." I’m French, and in France, it’s very common to use that term to refer to a partner's family, even if you aren't married. I’m obviously aware of the term's strict definition, but I used it because it was simpler and easier to understand.
I’d also like to clarify another point. In my first post, I wrote that I had "no choice." In reality, I know perfectly well that I do have a choice. What I meant was that I felt morally obligated to go.
My boyfriend had helped my sister move, I get along very well with his parents, and generally speaking, I always try to help the people who matter to me. That’s what made me hesitate.
A few people advised me to go anyway—to be the bigger person, to be helpful, or because my boyfriend had helped my sister in the past. Honestly, those are the exact arguments that made me consider going in the first place.
But after reading your comments, I started to see the situation differently.
I don't expect to become friends with her. I’m not friends with everyone, and that’s not what I’m looking for. However, I do think that checking in on someone, asking how they are, and showing at least a minimum level of interest in them is just part of normal social interaction—especially when you're asking them for a major favor.
After posting my message, I also asked my boyfriend to show me their conversation so I could get a bit more context.
His sister had sent him a message saying: "Hey bro, how's it going?" "What are you doing the weekend of September 5th?" (The "you" referred to both of us in french)
My boyfriend told her we’d be in our town and asked why.
She explained that she’d found a work-study placement and was moving with her partner to be closer to work, so they’d need "extra hands."And, honestly, that phrase really bothered me.
She never speaks to me directly, never asks how I am or checks in on me—yet the moment she needs help, I’m suddenly included in the conversation.
I realized then that my issue wasn't the move itself, but the feeling of being viewed as mere labor rather than as a person with whom she has a relationship.
I talked it over with my family, too—especially my mom. At first, she encouraged me to go, seeing it as a matter of good manners and respect. But she understands my perspective as well, since she knows the situation.
So, I decided not to go.
And, honestly, I’ve felt much more at peace since making that decision.
The move hasn't happened yet, so I don't know if there will be any further updates. To be honest, I don't think my absence will matter much to her; I really get the feeling she just needed help moving.
My boyfriend will probably go help her, and I totally respect his choice. She’s his sister, and I understand that he doesn't see things the same way I do.
As for me, I’ve decided to spend the day with my friends. There is an event in my town that weekend—featuring fireworks, among other things—and that is how I chose to spend my day.
Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply to my first post.