u/madwallrus

This is super far fetched, but I’m starting to wonder if my severe and chronic emotional neglect as an infant onward had an impact on my skeletal and muscle development. I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve been really diving into my childhood and am starting to understand how much it affected me. Not just mentally, but physiologically as well. There isn’t a direct link, but I have done some research and there is definitely an indirect link. I would like to do more research. I am definitely not saying it caused it, but it may have played a role. I may be completely wrong, but 80% of scoliosis is idiopathic, meaning they don’t know the cause. I’m curious who else out there with scoliosis also experienced significant early childhood abuse.

I realized I was severly chronically emotionally neglected my whole childhood about 6 months ago. A few weeks ago I realized my mom is a narcissist and I was the scapegoat. I'm 31 now, youngest of 3. I've struggled with CPTSD and structural dissociation my whole life.

I was coping with all that fine, I think, because I already kinda knew and it made everything make so much sense. Yesterday I learned something new that is really messing with me. Emotional neglect can cause Failure to Thrive, which can really affect a child's skeletal muscle growth. I researched a lot about it. I have scoliosis with two severe curves in my back and a muscle spasm on the left side. From what I've read, I may have already had the genes, but the affects of the neglect caused it to rapidly worsen as I grew. I was homeschooled so it wasn't detected until I was 12 or 13. I had to wear a back brace in middle school and it was extremely painful, uncomfortable, and humiliating. It didn't make it better, but it didn't get worse. I'm still in a lot of pain to this day and have been in physical therapy for it. I don't require surgery, but it's severe enough that it's an option. I don't need surgery and don't want it. I can function fine, I'm just in a lot of pain a lot of the time. It will just get worse as I age, even with exercise.

I'm just really mad. I don't know what to do. I don't see my therapist again for a week because I just saw him yesterday before I made this discovery. I'm really angry. I could deal with the CPTSD and all the stuff that came with that, but knowing that she caused this and then neglected to detect it until it was already so severe...what am I supposed to do with that?

I was in a narcissist relationship for 2 years. It was bad. He psychologically tortured me, I admitted myself to a mental hospital, and a few months later he moved to a different state. Turns out he lost his license for his job, lost his business, and his house and his business property were both in foreclosure and had auction dates set. I had no idea. No one did, his family helped him hide it. I found all this out on public record after he fled the state. The date he was notified of the foreclosures was about two weeks before I went to the mental hospital, and his tenants at his business (3 people were renting his property and running their personal businesses out of it) and his house (he had rented some rooms out) were served eviction notices about two weeks after he left. He took all that shame out on me, destroyed my mental health, and then abandoned me.

I already have abandonment and attachment issues because I recently discovered in therapy that I was severely emotionally neglected since I was an infant. Still am at 31.

I was writing about my mom yesterday. About how she makes me feel when I spend time with her and how I don’t want to anymore. All the micro aggressions and guilt trips. As I was writing, I started making connections to my ex. I kept writing. I googled narcissistic mothers. Everything matched. I was the scapegoat of my family. I still am.

I don’t know what to do. I want to go no contact, but I don’t know how. I knew my mom emotionally neglected me far worse than my two older sisters. I knew my mental health was affected way more than theirs and from an incredibly young age. I didn’t understand why it felt like my whole family neglected me, but it was because I was the scapegoat. I’ve been wanting to go no contact with my mom for a whole. Her and her wife live 10 minutes away from me and my dad and sisters live in 3 different states. I don’t know how I would go no contact, she would villainize me to my sisters. It would disrupt so much and it would absolutely destroy her.

The craziest thing is that my mom is a therapist. A very successful one with her own practice. I think that’s what makes the emotional neglect sting so much. How does she not see it? But she does see it, she just can’t face it. She’s in denial because she can’t be a good therapist and a neglectful mother. It hurts to know she listens to others and helps them, but could never do that for me. When I’m around her, I can see her show interest and care for other people she’s talking to.

I was in a narcissist relationship for 2 years. It was bad. He psychologically tortured me, I admitted myself to a mental hospital, and a few months later he moved to a different state. Turns out he lost his license for his job, lost his business, and his house and his business property were both in foreclosure and had auction dates set. I had no idea. No one did, his family helped him hide it. I found all this out on public record after he fled the state. The date he was notified of the foreclosures was about two weeks before I went to the mental hospital, and his tenants at his business (3 people were renting his property and running their personal businesses out of it) and his house (he had rented some rooms out) were served eviction notices about two weeks after he left. He took all that shame out on me, destroyed my mental health, and then abandoned me.

I already have abandonment and attachment issues because I recently discovered in therapy that I was severely emotionally neglected since I was an infant. Still am at 31.

I was writing about my mom last night after spending some time with her earlier in the day. I was writing about how she makes me feel when I spend time with her and how I don’t want to anymore. All the micro aggressions and guilt trips. As I was writing, I started making connections to my ex. I kept writing. I googled narcissistic mothers. Everything matched. I was the scapegoat of my family. I still am.

I think my therapist might already know. We’ve been talking about my mom a lot in therapy. I’m doing IFS and making a ton of progress. Last week I asked him if we were ever going to get to processing my relationship with my ex and he said something about my mom, I don’t remember what. But now I’m thinking that with everything we have discussed about my childhood, my mom, my narcissistic ex, I think he has to know already. Was he just waiting for me to make the connection? I have therapy tomorrow, but I don’t know what to do until then.

I learned I intellectualize lot. I’m 31, been in therapy on and off for 18 years, and have never cried or shown any emotion. Therapy has always been really hard for me because I’ve had therapists “graduate” me but I never felt like I made any progress.

I started doing IFS with my new therapist that I’ve been seeing since November. He’s amazing and I don’t think I could have ever found a better therapist for me.

A few weeks ago I got mad at something he said and had a strong emotional reaction. It was very short, I felt kind of bad, but he was impressed.

Today at the very end of our session I almost started crying and told him I was scared to be vulnerable and open up and show emotions because I am scared that he wouldn’t be my counselor anymore. I have deep attachment wounds but no real reason to think that would ever happen. He was very reassuring.

I’ve been trying to break that barrier for a while but I was too scared to. I guess maybe that’s why I waited until I was about to walk out the door. I’m nervous about our next session now too. Part of me is still scared that if I open up too much that I’ll get attached and then abandoned but part of me really badly wants to. Is that normal? What do I do with that?