u/mathgeekf314159

30F software engineer in Indiana, planning a move to California in the next year or two (currently looking at West Covina, but that could change).

I'm looking for a genuine relationship, so I'd prefer to start long distance and get to know each other before meeting. I'm financially independent, have a stable career, my own place, and a spoiled Siamese cat who thinks she's in charge.

Physically, I'm usually attracted to Asian men and tend to prefer leaner builds, though athletic/muscular is great too. More importantly, I'm looking for someone intelligent, emotionally mature, and genuinely interested in building a relationship. Bachelor's degree or higher is a plus, but having curiosity, ambition, and a brain is the bigger thing for me.

A little about me: I'm curvy, so if you're only attracted to very thin or athletic women, we're probably not a match, and that's completely okay. I'd rather be upfront about that and save us both some time.

I want someone I actually enjoy talking to and spending time with for days on end, not someone who's only interested in texting when they're bored or looking for sexting. I'd rather build a real connection.

A little about me:

- Software engineer

- K-pop fan

- Cat mom

- Planning a California move

- Looking for companionship, partnership, and eventually something serious

I'm generally looking for someone around 24–38.

If any of that sounds like you, send me a message and tell me a little about yourself. Bonus points if you tell me about your favorite hobby, what you're passionate about, or what your idea of a perfect weekend looks like.

30F software engineer in Indiana, planning a move to California in the next year or two (currently looking at West Covina, but that could change).

I'm looking for a genuine relationship, so I'd prefer to start long distance and get to know each other before meeting. I'm financially independent, have a stable career, my own place, and a spoiled Siamese cat who thinks she's in charge.

Physically, I'm usually attracted to Asian men and tend to prefer leaner builds, though athletic/muscular is great too. More importantly, I'm looking for someone intelligent, emotionally mature, and genuinely interested in building a relationship. Bachelor's degree or higher is a plus, but having curiosity, ambition, and a brain is the bigger thing for me.

A little about me: I'm curvy, so if you're only attracted to very thin or athletic women, we're probably not a match, and that's completely okay. I'd rather be upfront about that and save us both some time.

I want someone I actually enjoy talking to and spending time with for days on end, not someone who's only interested in texting when they're bored or looking for sexting. I'd rather build a real connection.

A little about me:

- Software engineer

- K-pop fan

- Cat mom

- Planning a California move

- Looking for companionship, partnership, and eventually something serious

I'm generally looking for someone around 24–38.

If any of that sounds like you, send me a message and tell me a little about yourself. Bonus points if you tell me about your favorite hobby, what you're passionate about, or what your idea of a perfect weekend looks like.

I understand that avoidant attachment is usually rooted in fear, trauma, overwhelm, and nervous system protection. I genuinely do understand that intellectually.

But I think sometimes avoidant spaces focus so much on protecting avoidants from shame that the emotional impact on partners gets minimized or dismissed.

From the anxious side, the asks often do not feel huge at all.

Sometimes we are literally asking for:

• occasional initiation,
• proactive communication,
• a meme,
• a check-in,
• or enough effort to stop feeling like we are carrying the relationship entirely alone.

And when those needs repeatedly go unmet, it can create a deep feeling of emotional loneliness and abandonment, even when the avoidant person genuinely cares.

Understanding where the behavior comes from helps with empathy. But empathy alone does not make a relationship sustainable if one person constantly feels emotionally underfed.

I don’t think avoidants are evil. But I do think the impact of avoidant behaviors on partners deserves to be talked about honestly too.

An avoidant person can even turn a secure person anxious.

I’ve been trying to understand avoidant attachment more, and intellectually I do understand where it comes from. I know it’s usually a trauma response and not intentional cruelty.

But emotionally, being on the receiving end of it can feel incredibly lonely.

I can handle slow pacing. I can handle uncertainty. What I can’t handle is feeling like I’m the only person maintaining the connection while also sitting in uncertainty at the same time.

I spent the last 10 days trying to suppress my impulses, give grace, be patient, and respect someone’s need to go slower. But eventually I realized I felt emotionally alone the entire time because I was the one initiating almost every conversation and carrying almost all the momentum.

And I think that’s the part people don’t always talk about enough. Sometimes anxious people are expected to endlessly tolerate discomfort and adapt, while the avoidant person’s comfort zone becomes the default pace of the relationship.

I don’t need constant texting or instant commitment. I just need enough proactive effort to feel like we’re actually building something together instead of me trying to keep a connection alive by myself.