u/mdmenur

I saw this Reddit comment two years ago about finding a new job and it stuck with me. 'The best time to find a job is when you have a job.'

Maintaining the job that you currently have and then at the same time, preparing for interview sessions - it can be quite the effort.

I did that once last year. Around two months time. Got the offer, it's also the same field, decided to turn down the offer as I believed the jump with that much increment didn't worth my headache. It's like jumping into another hot soup.

Fast forward to now, I'm hit with the same feeling as last year again like not sure if I can see myself working here any longer at the expense of deteriorating my mental health. The changing domain of my role assignments made me really nervous...and burnt out.

Trying my best to sort this out rather than - every time I feel like this, I would scroll the belly of the internet, reading other people's stories about resigning with no back up.

I think my emergency savings could last me close to a year. No other debt other than PTPTN loan. Can we ask for tangguh bayar or - I think can lessen the amount when you lose your job? Not sure. Told mom I won't be able to give the usual amount should I be unemployed...sometimes I wished my siblings were not unemployed, so that at least they can chip in when a crisis happens. Been holding the fort by myself and it's heavy sometimes. :'(

While I do send out my resume for jobs I'm interested in, no call back yet. I never sent this much resume per day, my number is rookie number. My experience so far, like when I graduated more than two years ago, I sent out <50 in total but to jobs that I really like and got the job offers in 1-2 months time. Now it's like, I'd be lucky if I even get a rejection email! Damn.

At the same time, I'm experiencing the kind of mental exhaustion that is like - even if I am thinking of quitting, I can't imagine working for the next work...I feel hollowed out. I want a good long rest.

Especially taking some rest from IT. I have worked odd jobs before - cleaner, clerk, factory job, night market, fnb, drop shipping etc - I feel like I could quit and work service crew or customer service or sth - just to take a breather for a while because I'm feeling overwhelmed right now.

This kind of stress has caused me to lose my appetite for days. When I tried to swallow food, then my tummy ached, and I couldn't finish my meal.

Also considering seeing a clinical psychologist - I need to overcome my personal issues...wherever I go, new job, new place, new people - there I am. Issues that I don't overcome about myself - like hard to wind down, hard to focus - might just contribute to the mistakes I will repeat. At times my thoughts also brought me to a very very dark place. Gotta check if my insurance can cover this or I gotta get it from my own pocket.

Letting this out for now to stay sane.

Edit 1 : Thank you to everyone who replied to my post with empathy and trying to understand my POV. Thank you for also sharing your life experiences with me, I really appreciate them.

Very recently, a good friend of mine told me that she is getting married. She had never really told me if she is in a relationship, though it didn't come as a surprise either, as she is really pretty. When she told me about it, my reply was like, 'this is so you!' While we hung out a lot in the past, I could tell she is somewhat selective with what she shares with me.

On that night, she also added that she wasn't sure if it was happy news, like if I would take it as happy news. In the past, we did share stories about other friends who got married and how their lives revolve around marriage and kids and how we would be hesitant to ask them to hang out.

While I feel happy for her, I'm not too sure why a part of me also feels a little heavy, as if things would never be the same anymore. Our travel plans that perhaps might never be realized... Maybe as a woman, it is hard for me to open up to other women, to trust and then build a friendship. So when I met women whom I really can connect with, I really cherish our friendship.

I told her, I am always here for dinners or whatever. Still, I believe things will change. More so, she will be moving to Selangor, and I'm in KL.

At the same time, I feel like I want to live my single life to the fullest and try everything I’ve ever wanted to do.

Lately, I've been having this thought: 'Aku rasa aku ni akan single sampai bila-bila nih...'

At first, it made me emotional. Maybe because I was still holding on to the idea that one day I'd come home to someone. Someone who would be there during difficult times. Two meals on the table instead of one. Warm hugs after a long day.

But then I started reflecting on the last three years of my life.

Three years ago, I moved to KL by myself. I've walked unfamiliar streets alone. I've cried in bathroom stalls during some of my lowest moments, found the courage to pick myself back up and kept moving forward.

Some strangers became friends. Some random conversations with strangers lasted few minutes and then disappeared into memory. Awkward moments, conversations that went stale and moments of unexpected connection and joy. And a few who made me believe we would always find our way back to each other, no matter how many thousands of miles stood between us.

Took flights to countries where I didn't even speak/speak well the language. Stood in front of paintings I'd dreamed of seeing, Monet's and other Impressionist artists whose work I had admired. My eyes were teary. I could never imagine I would be able to experience all of that before, but last year me refused to give up. No matter how much I fell. Stubborn gal.

I kept running too, through familiar streets and new ones. I even bought myself a basketball because I wanted to learn how to dribble properly and maybe, just maybe, make that three-pointer.

Recently, I received a promotion that I worked so hard for. With it, I feel like I've finally broken the cycle of generational poverty in my family. And for the first time, I dare to dream of owning my own place after many years of uncomfortable dorms, shared spaces. Not gonna be an easy feat but - this is an expansion of myself.

I went on my first solo trips. Singapore and then Taiwan. While there were moments when I missed the hands I once held in Kinderdijk and wished I had someone beside me as I wandered through those beautiful places, I also rediscovered the joy of exploration on my own. Especially in the street markets where I stumbled through the conversations with my barely surviving Mandarin, finding confidence in simply trying. Mei wenti! (with sweaty palms)

Some nights can be a bit lonely. Especially when I miss that hug. Even overwork and pure exhaustion aren't enough to quiet my thoughts. To quiet that rationalizing mind and acceptance.

On those nights, I'm learning to sit with myself instead of fighting it. To remind myself that I'm here for me. One minute at a time, until I close my eyes. Butterfly hugs, chest rubs and self affirmation. Bigger plushies.

As I'm writing this, I'm listening to Fight the Night by One Ok Rock:

'We'll fight fight till there's nothing left to say...whatever it takes... we'll fight fight till your fears they go away... the light is gone and we know once more, we'll fight fight till we see another day...'

Someone wrote to me:

'I do think there is something powerful in knowing that even if the exact life you pictured doesn't happen, you are still going to have a life. And it can still be beautiful, safe and yours.'

My little joy right now :

The paintings I told you guys before.

The dark painting tu, the more I look at it kan, alamak cantiknya dia. Syahdu I tengok the dark and light shading water color ni. ༎ຶ⁠‿⁠༎ຶ

So this is how it feels to really look at an artwork...this closely. Never thought I would be moved this much. Hilang rasa penat kerja, penat kena marah hahaha like I really worked hard for this sobs thank you me for not giving up. I was close many times to send that resignation letter weh! XD

Water color/Catan air ni antara medium yang I paling lemah, last painting I buat many years ago, was this scene of Griffith holding the Behelit necklace. It was noob of me, but that scene really locked me in.

It was also during a time where I was trying to find the acceptance that I was struggling with depression, that I was able to name this prolonged sadness. After classes, I would spent some time to do water color and the first painting was a black and white lone wolf.

In recent years, especially when I arrived to KL kan, I find joy in flowers especially the wild street kind. So that is what motivated me to go on morning walks, running, as whenever I do, I would take pictures. It was free as it was healing. Selalunya I akan duduk je mana-mana tempat I suka. Parks, random pokok with shade. I also bring my binoculars just in case I could see some birds. Also brought a book to read. Another book for nature journalling.

I also find joy in talking to people. Nothing big, a smile, a hi, a good morning, a have a wonderful day. My favorite is to see how people's faces light up. It's nice to be a part of the big big world, than this box of square I live in.

There is this MBTI question kan...asked about if you are comfortable talking/starting a conversation with stranger or sth like that...I was like hmm, not sure, lets give it a try! XD just to help me with my avoidance of social interactions. Even more so since I'm in client facing job. It's tough for me, sebab tu I do try bit by bit, just to have courage to.

The thing about conversation with strangers is that, it's for that moment, and especially the good ones, the goodbye and not sure if we can cross path again. Like this one kakak at the KLCC LRT I met, we were just talking about FRUITS! 🤣 At that time I memang hantu buah, diet buah ke apa...,'Take care you, fun to talk with you, ada rezeki kita terserempak lagi kat LRT ni ye, kirim salam to your kid and family!'

Or this dude I saw at the MRT, I really liked his octopus tattoo. Damn I love the inking work! Fikir, patut ke cakap patut ke cakap...then I fikir, fuck it sis! go for it! I poked his arm. Lightly. 'Sorry if disturbing you, I gotta say I love your tattoo especially this one (octopus), it's so sick!' and his face light up, and began to tell me about the tattoo...then we got to the gate, I wanted to talk more...but I don't want to like...hmmm :(

'Take care! Have a wonderful day!' was what I said.

I should have asked for his IG.

Anyways, random conversation with strangers have been positive for me. I feel a little brave than when I first started. In my wishlist, I have this 'wear a funny dino costume with signboard free hugs' haaaaa this one not yet realized

Hi semua,

I haven't been here for a while. I hope you are all well.

There are things here that would be triggering for me especially if it involves minors and their parents who would go on berserk mode for their kids' lack of practicing the religion or totally opposing it.

I - hmm, don't feel that well tonight and I'm not sure where to seek refuge.

So, earlier my housemate asked me to close the bathroom door as it is the place that houses the devils, or so that she said. She asked me if I believed it too, and I answered 'Nope'.

With a shocked face, she asked me about what my family. My family is practicing Muslims ofc. I have told my family, especially my mom that I don't practice and took off the hijab in March 2019.

She asked me, 'Why?' Like why I don't believe, I swear I didn't like that look. Maybe two Raya ago, my aunt asked why I took off my hijab, and it was honestly that same look and even sarcastically commented,'Ni lah jadi kalau pandai sangat....' when I said to her, it's my personal right to not believe and practice.

My housemate also made comment on me being educated and it's just my perspective. Then asked me again, 'Why?' Then I replied with, 'I grew up with a verbally abusive father. Misogynist who had said abhorrently vile things - women in the household being called lubang pantat, bodoh, babi, menyusahkan, mengangkang...all those disgusting things.

From the moment that I learnt to pray, from 8-9 years old, all that prayed for was that God would make my dad kinder, like other people's dad. Growing up with him, seeing how he bullied my mom into submission, shouted at her and us in public, humiliated us, being with him always felt like a ticking bomb.

When I was 20, I got back from work. I worked as a cleaner to support our family. Dad was annoyed with mom and said mean things to her. A verbal fight ensued between us as I stood up for my mom. He said hurtful things to me like saying me anak derhaka (insolent child) and also kicked me out of the house. Also said he could have never be proud of me of working what I did even when I was helping our financial.

There's never anyone on Earth that had hurt me more than my dad had towards me. Even until his last days, that prayers of mine were never answered by God.

Then there were incredibly lowest moments in my life where I was molested twice or more, especially when I was child by neighbours kids and another when I was 21. The latter happened when I was in car ride, wearing modest clothing - hand sock, stockings, long hijab, loose blouse and pants. I remembered during my bus ride, I cried by myself. The next day, I enrolled to a polytechnic. I was incredibly traumatized.

The hardship of life especially struggling with poverty I eventually succumbed to despair. That the thought of God became something detestable for me. Because if there is a God or any higher power, then it is just a cruel something. It needs to tell me what I had done as a child to go through what I had. It has to answer for all my suffering.

It can be hard for me to move on from, like that time, I barely support myself that I had to eat from the trash bin. These moments I braved it alone.

I really don't like the way she looked at me. I would never, not even interested to debate with anyone irl, online about what anyone believe in. I don't care.

But some Muslims do have no chill.

They don't understand there are people like myself, who had seen much evil in human, that the devil wouldn't even compare. Like ghost, shaytan or what not - it didn't cross my mind anymore when I left the faith as people themselves are evil reincarnated. Kalah syaitan. And then the kind of helplessness abandonment you survived with no thought of God. Just a completely different way to view life.

I joked once to myself, that it doesn't make sense for me to ask mercy and forgiveness from God. Tuhan yang kena minta maaf dengan I. Then I chuckled of how silly it is. God or universe or whatever life is, don't owe us anything...I simply view life as it is, even if it's a messy, difficult one. Just do our best because we are born into this world. Just do our best to be good human being. Hurt people hurt. Be kind.

When I don't think about God, about religion - I'm stable. It has been a source unsurmountable pain for me. From all these experiences, I believe in myself. No matter what happened, I am strong enough to get through life. And I could never, ever not be myself.

'Infinite baths, bursting colours when you laugh, well, I have fought so long to be here, I am never going back...' - Sleep Token, Infinite Baths.

Illustration work, any form of artwork...

For the first time of my adult life, this humble peasant bought one. Two watercolor paintings for 200 ringgit. My heart swells with so much happiness and different other emotions now. :')

When I was at the gallery, one of the artist - he is a Batik artist, asked me if I too, do art. I just chuckled saying that what I am doing is not even close, but from time to time, I would 'conteng' things. Told him, I enjoyed playing with oil pastels, and color pencils for my nature journalling hobby. Just that.

He even asked if I studied fine arts. Hahahah! I wished. While I took art as an elective subject in high school, the teachers were never quite really serious about teaching us art, we ended up doing revision for other subjects! Only during the last year of high school, we got a new art teacher, and that was kinda fun.

For a pressure cooker academic school setting, I had some fun in the art class, mencanting batik and practicing on sketches, shading stuffs. This, and running.

The kind of paintings that I love at the gallery were of the village/suasana kampung and nature/flowers kind. Ah, these are my personal favorites. Honestly, looking at some of them, I was holding back my tears.

These kampung houses, pokok kelapa, denai, sawah padi, river, boats, and hills reminded me so much of both of my kampung in Perak. At Kampung Beng - late grandma house was a few steps away from the mighty river, Sungai Perak. Sometimes, I could see ikan kaloi especially when I threw in some food. To go to the opposite village, pak cik would start the boat for us. Kids from other villages went to school by boat.

Usually after school (kindergarden for me), me and other village kids would jump into the river. Climbed this old pokok kelapa, and boom! Cannon balled into the water!

I went back there last year during my birthday. So much has changed. Familiar elders have passed on. A jetty was built. My favourite pokok kelapa was no longer in sight. My glorious childhood days were so far away. Yet, I could see her playing in the river. In her Tweety Bird pyjamas hiding behind the front stairs from going to the mengaji class. The kampung tok was garang. I didn't like mengaji class.

There was so much play time during my elementary school time, even after I moved to a different village in Perak Tengah. Playing time with the village kids was so fun like tarik upih competition, baling tin and lempar selipar, that kampung version of baseball (I was a pitcher one and one person pukul the tennis ball straight to my eye! ☠️ first and last time pitching).

I was hugging the two paintings I bought and when I arrived home, I bawled my eyes. Before going back, I told him that I needed something to hold on, something to remember, of my childhood. I didn't have pictures. We couldn't afford a camera.

Looking at this rumah kampung kayu, I could hear the 'krik krik' - when I stepped on the wooden floor. The smell of aged wood. And the smell of the soil after rain.

Maybe life has gotten slightly better. That not only I need not to worry if the cauliflower was more expensive by 2 ringgit, I am grateful that I could hold these paintings in my arm.

Met a Redditor many years ago. I asked if he owned a painting, which he did. Ahjussi, my favorite painting at the gallery was a watercolor painting of boats. It reminded me of when I was doing a hydrographic survey at a fishing village. When I have my own place, I will get something like that. That and a copy of The Magpie, by Monet.

I have come to realize that I'm unwilling to do long-distance relationships anymore unless it's with someone who truly understands what it takes to make one work and is genuinely committed to closing the distance permanently.

Even though our breakup happened months ago and the pain has faded, he still reaches out and expresses his feelings for me. I do recognize that he has many qualities I value in a partner like his intelligence, humor, kindness, and the genuine respect between us are undeniable. But his unwillingness to visit me, whether in Malaysia or elsewhere, hurt me deeply.

The reality is, visiting the US isn't feasible for me right now. As a person of color, and then obtaining a tourist visa requires significant effort and expense, would be more than the flight itself, in order to build up a travel history.

Yet he never came up with a concrete plan, and there were periods when he'd disappear for two weeks without even telling me. I'd explicitly asked him to communicate if something like that happened. That was the final straw. It made me realize how easily he could silence and abandon me, something I doubt would happen if we were in a traditional, face-to-face relationship.

Only after we broke up did he share what he was struggling with: caring for his parent in a way that felt codependent, and his fear of taking the steps our relationship required, like planning a visit. When I prepared plans and waited for his input, he never provided any.

Of all the men I have loved, he might be the one with whom I have the most intellectual chemistry, humor, and mutual respect. Yet even that wasn't enough to sustain a long-distance relationship.

I'm writing this as a milestone: I never want to invest in another long-distance relationship based solely on potential and hope, while carrying the burden of effort and commitment alone.