u/medium-rare-stake

Hi, this is a cry for help from a 23M.

I'm a chill person, a student and a gym goer who has a supportive group of friends, they're often more busy than me though.

But, this has happened to me throughout my life:

- bullied since middle school

- in high school, a bunch of girls bullied me even though I didn't do anything wrong to them

- In my mandatory 2 years of military, I remember my buddy once got up to my face to ask me how it feels to train for everything and still fail with a smile

- military platoon mate called me out for not being able to do shit when I was already rushing and panicking, always trying to put me down at any opportunity he gets, even though he is capable he talks to me extremely rudely when I'm just passing by

- When I had a breakup, my ex got with my old friend one week later and then they flaunted around in front of me. Even during day 1 of breakup, my family just thought I should get over it quickly

(About this, I don't need a low quality woman like that beside me anyway so I'm over it.)

- Talked back behind my back by people I've helped (they asked for help) and got cyberbullied by people whom I thought were friends

This has changed my perspective in life that even if I have a supportive group of friends, I'll still believe that everyone is a man for himself and that betrayal is a skill.

"Let's see how you like being around assholes then while becoming one yourself" I can always just betray them anyway.

Social obligations? I can follow those and manipulate everyone into my trap.

Why should anyone matter to me? My own dominance only matters, and while I'm around "good friends" for "good memories", I'm thinking of taking advantage and enjoying it all to myself. Now obviously, I don't want to do that.

But logically in this ruthless world, I don't think it's a bad idea to be egotistical and step on others to get what I want. I don't even see a reason for kindness, when I've seen pure ruthlessness. I am a product of my environment. I believe in taking, from others and treating people like they can be discarded easily as I am. Why should I even be kind at all anyway? This is a dog-eat-dog world.

Of course, I believe in "losers focus on winners, winners focus on winning".

To me, people can be replaced at any time, including one's whole family.

So yeah, as you can see my mind is running wild. I am conflicting between reason and logic.

Hi, I'm struggling with bad memories after being betrayed multiple times. I don't want to go into detail, but it's from people I considered close to me.

I don't trust any human at this point, in fact I'm just merely using your information. People are data to me.

Feel free to change my mind.

EDIT: I've had to sit with sudden anger that it took an hour or two just to calm down.

Hi, I want to know something, as a 23M - why shouldn't I be arrogant and why should I even be humble at all? Why shouldn't I be completely selfish?

I've come from a past where I was nice (that's also my mistake actually.) and there were some nasty people who treated me like shit, especially for being expressive and weak. Back in the military, I was talked down on by a certain someone, and the impact was so strong it changed my entire world view to understand that it is reasonable in this dog-eat-dog world to be an asshole.

Years of being bullied and looked down on.

Corporations are getting more greedy, now it's all "man for himself", that is my mindset now. I don't think it's wrong for one to defend himself, even if it is the most offensive method. As long as one gets what he wants, stepping on others won't be much of an issue.

Due to moral obligations, I have to be good to an extent or people will be out there crying like babies.

When I'm just a normal 'me', I can be kind but also objective. I don't go out of my way to be an ass, because it will become a habit.

Then I start thinking to myself, *actually why shouldn't I be an ass? The world has given me enough reasons.*

Don't give me sloppy answers like The Power of Friendship or whatever, unless you have an actual view for that.

Sometimes my horrible memories of traumatic events just keep replaying, even at my lowest my family wasn't really there.

Why should I bother anyway? People are replaceable, and only my domination matters. In fact, I've had intrusive thoughts where if an elderly lady collapse and was dying, I would move on because it's none of my business.

I've also been seeing a lot of patterns that suggest women love it when guys are a bit toxic, as opposed to doing things for morally good reasons. So, I'd like to be arrogant and pull ladies, because that way I can win in life.

I've been battling this internal conflict for months, so this is me reaching out for help because clearly I am internally not stable, and therapy's expensive too.

SN: I gym, I practice a bit of boxing, I study, I do chores, like any other student.

Hi, thanks for the time to read this.

I'm good so far, doing physical training and studying as a young man in his 20s.

There's just one thing I don't get.

Why shouldn't I be an asshole to those who have wronged me? "Be the bigger person", and what? Let them get away with it while I do nothing for myself?

So far in my life, I've encountered nice people. But also I've had met many messed up people and have had more horrible memories than good.

Being weak earlier since middle school, I was at one of the bottom of the pecking order. Just an ordinary child, wanting to express himself even though he did not know how, and is scared of ordinary stuff like bugs.

At some point, I became the nice guy because I knew how it feels to be treated like shit. My environment didn't change.

Guys went physical on me, girls bullying me, got cyberbullied, and looked down on for my weakness. Especially if I didn't harm the other person, I'd just get the shit treatment. I've had my ex girlfriend and her boyfriend flaunt in front of me, to which I didn't react because it is plain childish. I don't even think of turning to my family at that point. Also, I don't believe in romantic love. I believe people can be replaced easily.

Of course, it's not like I can't do anything about it right?

I took up for boxing for a while, and I can always go back to it.

I've even had the thought that if I were to spend my last days happy or angry, I'd choose to be happy. Of course, I am nice to my friends. It's just easy to make the best of memories. Sometimes I ask myself why I'm so nice though. The world is dog-eat-dog.

I've hit a breaking point, so I just want to be an ass to those who continue to harass me. I have no business for those who have nothing to do with me. I don't think that's inherently a bad thing though. Maybe you can convince me otherwise that it'd invite unnecessary trouble, but at least I'd like to stand up for myself.

I'm sorry if this read is a waste of time, my emotions have been all over the place and I've just finished an exercise. The anger I've felt for the past few weeks haven't been exactly rational, and I just needed to vent it out.

I still feel shitty sometimes that my ex and her bf did me dirty, even if it was like 4 years ago. Flirting in front of the whole classroom, him asking her about a future daughter in the group chat, etc.

I didn't even react back then and ignored them, it was damn immature and fucked up. But I still feel immense anger for not standing up for myself. Revenge isn't going to do anything, and I didn't have the capacity to think of anything at the time.

I only found out that my temperament is to be nice to nice people, and to be an ass to assholes.

How do you think I could handle the situation if that same scenario pops up again, like what should I have said? I do feel like I handled it well, but not good enough that it gets me to stop thinking about it.

It's been a few years since I got rejected by SIT, so just trying again and again. I don't know if the results will be out by tmr or end of June.

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If I don't get in, I'll try again next year even though it will suck.

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PS: I have applied for wild card as well