u/mgTr4444

So my dpdr came back about a year ago, but recently things have gotten way better. I am working, studying, and enjoying being with my family again. The dpdr is still 24/7 but I am able to function and shove it in the backseat when needed. I just… hate not being able to connect with my body like I used to.

Anytime I look in the mirror or at my body, these existential thoughts come swarming. Like how do I connect with my body when it’s not actually my own? We are made of a bunch of cells, actually more bacteria than anything, and our cells are constantly being replaced. Realizing that humans are just a biological ecosystem just makes me feel even further disconnected from myself and not in control. Any advice? Also, I always wonder why no one else is freaked out by this fact? Lol

We are almost 50% bacteria, so really what makes me, me? I feel like no answer will satisfy me so I feel stuck. I use to have a sense of ownership within myself, I knew I was one person and felt really in touch with my body. All of that feels erased. Im learning to cope with the fact that I may not ever be able to re-connect to who I was, but I want to connect with who I am now.

I am starting to feel happy again, it just feels like with this realization, I’ll never truly feel “whole”.
I want to be able to look at my body and feel like it belongs to me again but it feels like now I have real “proof” that it isn’t.

I’ve been in exposure therapy with an OCD specialist, and I am like over 50% better. This just feels like the last big hurdle I can’t seem to get over.

Thanks in advance to any responses :)

I am 15 months postpartum. Just got my first period back not too long ago! Still exclusively breastfeeding. Period ended on the first of this month and I had unprotected sex on the 13th. He pulled out but went back in after without wiping off which I know is risky. I assumed the 13th would be way past ovulation but wasn’t tracking so no way to know for sure.

If my periods are anything like they were before my previous pregnancy, I would currently be 4 days late. Tested negative two days ago, currently experiencing horrible cramping and a ton of egg white cervical discharge. Im not really sure what to think here. Maybe my cycles will be irregular for a while due to breastfeeding? Would I be in the clear for pregnancy by now since the test was negative a couple days ago?

Thanks!

Hi! I just had my period return about 14 months PP. It was a normal 7 day long period. My partner and I are currently not trying but not preventing and used the pullout method a little over a week ago. My period should be due tomorrow if my cycles are the same as they used to be. I am still breastfeeding on demand.

I’m curious what your cycles were like after your period returned? Were they regular right away? Did you skip a month, or would it be months before it returned again?

Thanks

I was supposed to let my kids spend the night tonight again, for probably the 5th time within the last month. My mom is always asking them if they want to spend the night, and it always makes me the bad guy if I say no because she never consults me first. Tonight was my breaking point and this is why:

1. My mom curses like a sailor.
   It’s every other sentence, she’s extremely vulgar and rude to my father right in front of my children. Just for example if my dad tried to correct my daughters in front of her, she might call him a dumb mother f*er and tell the girls that what they are doing is just fine. Situations like this happens all throughout the day. I am 99% sure she has BPD. Growing up my brother and I endured a ton of emotional abuse/trauma due to my mother which has probably contributed to me struggling with anxiety, dissociation and OCD. But I still love her which is why I’m really conflicted.

2. Cleanliness:
   Their house… just grosses me out. For context I have a 1, 4, and 6 year old. The chemicals are not locked up, there’s tobacco products lying around, and the floor looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in months. Their bathroom smells so bad it brings me to tears. The floor in the bathroom is just caked in hairspray, dust, dog hair, and probably urine. I attempted to clean some off of it before leaving tonight in a last attempt to allow my kids to spend the night, but I had to scrub and scrub just to only get the first layer off.

3. Their house is not kid proof
   One of the biggest reasons today was the last straw, was because for the second time, my youngest daughter found a pill on the floor. This upset me so much, because hello?? Again?? She could die!
   The fact that I got upset, seemed to upset my mom. She said she would never want to hurt her babies and she was really upset that it was on the floor again. She said some nights she takes her pills in the dark and drops them. Everything is just so cluttered and there’s tons of stuff everywhere.

The chemicals under the sink are accessible, there was used shaving razors on the sink in the bathroom, the garage is a free for all for them and theres so much crap in there. Saws, gas, oil, box cutters, fishing lures, you know all the normal dad things you’d find in a garage but spread all over the place for anyone to grab.

I have severe OCD I can’t even handle sitting on a public toilet so sometimes I can’t tell if I’m being too much of a clean freak but this is just too much for me to handle.

Like I said I am really close with my parents, and especially my dad, he is the kindest person in the world. I told the girls they could spend the night tonight and changed my mind for like the first time ever last minute and now everyone is super upset including my parents.
The fact that I hurt my dad’s feelings is killing me.

AITA here? Please be kind I’m learning to set boundaries and today was a big step for me.

I’m interested in the LPN program offered at MSUB city college. Has anybody gone through this program or know anything about it and can offer some info? I’d really appreciate it! I hear it’s very competitive so I’m a little nervous.
Thanks in advance

Hi everyone, I am about 7 months in on my journey with DPDR. I’ve posted a few times before but took a step back and have been focusing on staying present. My thoughts have changed a bit and I’m curious if any of you have dealt with something similar. This is also just kind of a nice way to get out everything I have been feeling lately.

I have noticed improvements and dare I say I am pretty sure I am on the mend. I went from being bed bound, scared to even use the bathroom to being able to do all the things I used to do. The thoughts/fears/strange feelings haven’t left though. I guess I’ve just gotten accustomed to them. Also, They seem to be changing? I have OCD so I get different existential fears along with my DPDR.

It used to be the classic: Am I real? Is life real? What even is real? Who am I?
Lately it has been the environment forming who we are. Any time I eat, touch something, breathe I imagine different germs or substances entering into my body and changing the way my body functions or my cells and it makes me feel like there’s no “me”. I am just a product of my environment that is constantly changing and my awareness will disappear at any given moment. Even simple things such as using shampoo or hairspray has been hard as I imagine trace amounts seeping into my skin (and brain) and altering my body chemistry.

It still feels like I’ve discovered something about reality that not a lot of other people see, and it makes me feel so strange all the time. I went out on a pontoon on the lake the other day and got a few droplets of water in my mouth a couple times. I imagined the bacteria in the water entering into my body and changing this version of me. I imagine my consciousness always changing by my environment and maybe the “observer” I am now is not the same as it used to be. It makes me feel like whatever is left of my identity is melting away and eventually I will just disappear.

I know most of the cells in the human body regenerate as well so that hasn’t really helped with the feeling of not having an identity. If nothing in the human body stays the same, how are we still conscious?
Im still constantly questioning my own thoughts/consciousness, and where they even come from. Sometimes I’ll be like wait… what made me say that? Or why did I do that? And I won’t feel in control. Also looking in the mirror is still so odd.
I KNOW this all sounds crazy 😭

I realize a lot of these thoughts are thoughts that most people could think about (probably while stoned tbh), and be like “huh that’s a weird thought” and then move on with their day. Im hoping to get there eventually.
I miss feeling whole and having a strong sense of self. Im trying to stay off google because when I look up stuff about identity/consciousness, I basically find info that confirms my fear that our consciousness is always changing and there is no real “self”. That was when I stumbled on the r/philosophy subreddit and went down that terrifying rabbit hole.

I also realize this is probably another ocd theme triggered by my dpdr and I need to learn to accept that it’s out of my control.

Through therapy, acceptance, and practicing exposures I do feel like I have slowly been healing. I was able to take my family on vacation and enjoy the beach, not have a panic attack in the airport, sign back up for college courses, and I plan on increasing my hours at work again in the next couple weeks. I just wish these horrible thoughts and feelings would ease up.

Curious if anyone has experienced similar thoughts and if you had any coping mechanisms for them.

When my DPDR started back in December, it was unfortunately so bad I had to drop out of school and lower my hours at work. I really want to finish up my degree but am terrified it will make my dpdr worse again. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the worst my DPDR was at a 10 and now it is at about a 5 or 6, it has gotten better. I still feel like my identity is gone/altered and I struggle with existential thoughts all throughout the day. I am able to function, be present with my family, and go to work. I heard exposures help and I should just push through my fears and live life as I would before all this.

Do you guys think I should push through it and start my classes back up?
When my DPDR returned I was under a lot of stress- lack of sleep, working a lot, taking care of kids, studying etc.

If I do return to school, one of my classes will be intro to Psychology. This makes me really nervous as well because I will be learning a lot about the brain and different things that I used to ruminate about like schizophrenia and psychosis. Im nervous about re-triggering past fears and making everything really bad again. I want to do better though, and finally get my degree to create a better life for myself and my kids.

Do you guys have any advice? I’d appreciate it. Thanks!