u/miffy_l0ver

I’ve been a little out of whack lately to say the least, and last week I had 1 day that was especially bad. I was like lowkey borderline catatonic and then my mom and I got into a fight about me blatantly ignoring her asking me to do things (like my work) (she apologized for handling it badly, she’s also struggling with her mental health and didn’t really know what to do with me), and I kinda like snapped? So, basically I slammed a cabinet door on my wrist a few times, but I was so distressed that I couldn’t really feel it, so I started fully leaning my weight onto the door, onto my wrist. Obviously, I should’ve been feeling it because I now have 2 giant, wrap-around bruises across my wrist. If my family sees them, they will easily put together that I did that because no one else could have, and there quite literally isn’t any other way to excuse them (I’ve been wracking my brain for excuses), and if anyone else sees them, the immediate assumption would be abuse, lest I explain “no haha I went kinda crazy for an hour lol ignore those.”
They are only getting worse and more noticeable. I was icing them 3 times a day in the first 48 hours, and I’ve been slathering myself in Arnica bruise cream. I’m starting to use hot compresses to get the stuck blood moving, but bro these things are SO BAD. It’s the middle of August which is summer where I live, I need these things gone so I can wear short sleeves again. If anyone has ANYYYY tips please lmk immediately.

I started cymbalta last spring after awful withdrawals from Pristiq. I didn’t really notice much of a change, and this seems to be common for me going from anti-depressant to anti-depressant, whether or not it’s ssri or snri. It was a bit better, though. Then I started lamictal aswell last summer, and suddenly I realized how I was supposed to have been feeling. I wanted to look nice and have a schedule, I was doing hobbies and being social, it was great. Then I think the stress of the school year started getting to me and I started getting worse, but still exponentially better than I had done on any other medications. I kept having to increase the lamictal, and am now on 60 mg cymbalta and 125 lamictal. It felt like it just stopped feeling so amazing. Then, this summer, things have just been getting worse and worse. They usually do from the lack of structure, but it’s been so bad all of a sudden. I haven’t felt this awful in over a year. I’m becoming almost catatonic. Has anyone else experienced this sort of plateau and worsening? I don’t understand, it had been going so well. I don’t know if this is the cymbalta or the lamictal or what. I’m talking to my psychiatrist soon. Just wanted to see what other people have experienced

I’m in the PNW and currently experiencing a lot of smoke from wildfires. The air quality index at my house is currently 133 and they don’t seem affected by anything other than the heat, I’m just guessing it may get worse as fire season progresses. I want to avoid bringing them inside unless absolutely necessary, the last time we had to was during Covid when the sky was orange and it was raining ash, and we had 2 fewer ducks (currently 4). There really is no space for them inside, best case scenario is I can set up a play gate for them in the garage but I have nowhere for a pool. Is there anything I can do to make it better for them? I’m changing the water more frequently (while being mindful of water usage) and I’d have the sprinkler on if we weren’t projected for an “extraordinary drought.” Any tips are welcome!!

This is my first time posting here, if I do/say anything I shouldn’t please let me know! I’m still navigating this and am very emotional so I’m sorry if this is confusing.
I guess I really find and issue with this because I’m scared that people only like being around me when I’m masking. To put it simply, I look and sound like I’m upset/angry to others almost constantly unless I’m making an active effort to exaggerate my expressions and tone my voice correctly. I’ve always struggled with looking mad, but my expression-abilities are made worse by the Botox I have for migraines, which stop me from being able to noticeably move my eyebrows. I’m extroverted, and I have a good amount of friends and connect pretty easily with others when I’m not in my head, but the majority of my friends over the last few years have told me at some point that they thought I was a bitch/hated them before speaking to me. Despite my relatively high masking, as I get more comfortable with people it really starts to wear down and it becomes pretty obvious that I’m neurodivergent, with multiple friends asking if I’m on the autism spectrum (I’ve seen multiple mental health professionals since early childhood, had tests, all have said they don’t believe I do). I don’t have any issue with this really. It bothers me a bit that it’s based on very stereotypical symptoms and when I feel more singled out in general it can make me a bit sad, but it’s not the question itself that bothers me.

As i get more and more comfortable, it comes down even more and before I know it I once again look apathetic. I don’t really do this around friends, sometimes it slips, but I know how off putting it would be for them, even the ones who say they get it when I’ve briefly spoken about it. They really think the rbf is the biggest part and I feel like even if I warn them, they’ll listen to my supposed tone instead of my words like everyone else. It’s the worst with my family and that’s where I’ve become bothered. Since middle school it’s caused fights with my dad, where he will be convinced I’m angry with him or being pissy/sassy and very rarely am I actually trying to be, at least to the extent I apparently show. It’s felt like a wedge in our relationship where he always thinks I’m mad at him and I just don’t know how to fix it. I can’t keep it up all the time and I explain to him that I’m not, that things just come out all wrong and my face just doesn’t really move much but I think he gets confused at least subconsciously when he sees me masking with others. I’d always thought my mom got it- she never really commented on it and only on rare occasions reacted negatively, but then we went on a trip at the beginning of summer and she’d genuinely though I’d hated it. She even asked me about it a couple days ago even after I’d thought id explained it weeks earlier. I struggle with masking around my grandma too, and I worry she thinks I don’t really like her. When bantering with my sister and brother, I’ll cross lines I didn’t even know existed and I don’t even think it’s what I say, it’s how I say it, making them think I’m genuinely upset and mean it.

It’s not even that I genuinely don’t make facial expressions, I feel the different muscles in my face tense with mood changes, they’re just so small that most of the time, no one can tell.

I see how it hurts the people I love most and am most comfortable around, and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been trying but I can’t keep it up all the time and I live with them. I hate isolating myself to prevent it and I know that hurts them too, I’ve even insisted on having conversations I’m less comfortable with over text to stop from making it worse with how I say things, but then it’s taken as not caring enough to do it face to face. I didn’t realize how much it bothered them, at least not what specifically it was, and now that I’ve realized I don’t know what to do. I’m scared that I’m doomed to hurt everyone who gets close enough to me that I’m comfortable to stop carefully regulating my every move. I don’t know how many times I can keep repeating that I’m not mad. And, I don’t even feel like it’s fair to expect them to completely ignore the social rules drilled into them to scrutinize vocal tones. I don’t think they can really help it either, even if they know I don’t mean to sound mean, it can still hurt them. They love me so so much, and I can’t bare to tell them how lonely it makes me feel because I know how guilty they’ll feel but it’s not their fault. They try, they really do and after asking my dad “why do you guys always assume the worst of me” he’s been a lot better and checks up more generally rather than asking why im mad. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t think this will ever go away. I don’t want to feel misunderstood anymore.

For clarity, I have ADHD, GAD, OCD, and moderate-severe depression (high functioning). Everyone in my family has ADHD and depression, with everyone but my mom having anxiety and ocd. We all have our issues related to our neurodivergence, but it doesn’t seem like any of them struggle with this like I do.