u/mikesbloggity

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and while this used to make me regret some big decisions that I had made, I had a realization a few years ago that usually helps me during the holidays.

When I see happy families walking around and having a good time, I allow myself to be sad and also happy for them. What I don't do is let that sadness turn into guilt about stepping back from my family. I'm not sad because I should be with them. I'm sad because I never got that.

I could welcome them all back with open arms, and we'd still never be that happy family walking in the park. We were never that happy family. And we never are going to be.

So instead, I make new memories for myself, with the family and friends that I have now.

So if you're feeling particularly lonely this holiday, I'm not saying you shouldn't be. I'm saying that missing the family you wish you had doesn't mean you were wrong to step back. You deserve good memories too, even if you're still figuring out what those will look like.

I’ve shared parts of this before, but I’m in a bit of a different place than a lot of people here.

About two years ago, I set a boundary with my family. There were a lot of secrets and dynamics that made me feel consistently sad, and I reached a point where I said I wasn’t going to help keep those secrets anymore. Since then, my family has essentially stopped talking to me.

What’s been hardest isn’t just the distance, it’s what it represents. It feels like no one in my family is willing to be uncomfortable for me. Like the cost of honesty and change was too high, so the easier option was to let the relationship go quiet.

This Sunday is both my birthday and Mother’s Day, and it’s hitting me harder than I expected. It’s not even about whether they reach out or not, that almost feels complicated either way. It’s more the feeling of having a mom and a birthday, and both days now feel kind of heavy instead of meaningful.

It’s a strange kind of grief. Nothing is fully gone, but nothing feels intact either.

If anyone else has gone through something similar, especially around holidays or birthdays, I’d really appreciate hearing how you’ve handled it. And while this is group has been incredibly helpful in helping me not feel crazy, I wonder if this is the place for a post like this, or if there's another group for people whose parents abandoned them?