u/millieee_333

Hi, I'm 25F. I've been struggling with my mental health due to life circumstances but I'm determined to get my life back in order and somehow change my circumstances.

My primary goals are:

- To clear ACCA exams (study for atleast 3 hours a day)

- To exercise daily

Secondary goals (nice to do):

- Reading

- Language learning

Feel free to reach out.

I'm 25F, and have no work or internship experience. I had a placement offer from a globally well known company but I had to let it go thanks to my parents. So it's not that I never found work. I had told them beforehand that I'm sure that I will regret it but they said I don't know anything. But I was right.

It's a long story about me trying to find a job or a way to escape but I'll just say what's relevant. I'm Indian but we're based in the GCC. My parents want me to work here, but I want to work anywhere else, as long as I'm away from them. To escape I need money, and for money I need a job. I thought I'd somehow endure a year or so here, save up, and leave, but finding a job here feels like winning a lottery and feels hopeless. I did get some response from India and even abroad but none of it went anywhere bcs I'm not already in the country. But the reason I need a job is so that I can leave this place and get to the country.

I'm at a point where I've given up looking for jobs and just read all day to numb my brain and cope, because I worry that I will go *literally* insane anytime. I'm functionally in something like a solitary confinement, and it has messed up my brain in more ways than one. I'm going bald and aging from stress. I feel trapped and helpless, and nothing is as triggering as my parents. So it's like I'm living in a never ending nightmare.

Now about work. Not only does it feel like a fantasy like time travel, the longer I stay here, the older I get and the longer the gap in my resume gets, and the harder it will be for me to find a job. I have also lost many of my skills and I try to maintain atleast a baseline level by reading (among other things) so that my brain gets some stimulation, and I don't completely lose my language skills. I am now afraid of being free, afraid of the outside world, afraid of other people, and I just don't know how I'll function in the outside world anymore, it's just scary.

My family has a wrong perception of me and I used to actively resist it getting into my head, but the longer I've stayed here, the more my personality and my identity withered away, and now I'm just an empty shell. I don't know who I am anymore, and wonder if the person I knew myself to be (which is the opposite of who my family thinks I am), was real in the first place? Or was it fake? Am I actually like what my family says I am? Are their words true? Can my memories be trusted? Or are they gaslighting me? These are the kind of thoughts I think. And the other thoughts are not pleasant so I'll not mention.

Also, my parents aren't abusive, so I will not get any help.

"It is easy enough to die for the good and beautiful; the

hard thing is to die for the miserable and corrupt"

Being born and raised Catholic, the story of Christ's crucifixion was one that I heard very often, and this line made me see it from a different angle. I've been taught to pray even for those who do you wrong. Despite being a generally forgiving and having an easygoing demeanour, it took a lot of strength for me to pray for people who caused me pain, even if praying for them cost me nothing. I find it humbling in a way, as it reminds me of my selfishness, my ego, and makes me realize that I haven't truly forgiven them. I feel very moved reading this, because Christ gave his life for humanity, and I just realized I have no idea as to how much you must love to not just truly forgive those who hurt you, but also to willingly give your life for such people.

I'm struggling to articulate what I feel, but I hope it makes sense.

Hii!! I have waaaaay too many interests. Some of which are reading, watching movies/series, music, and art (among other things). I love to try new things and generally up for anything. Feel free to DM!!

Books about late bloomers, rebuilding life, a late start to adulthood, the messiness of life, or anything related. Anything that helped you in your 20s or 30s, when your life is a mess in every way possible.