u/moldyfishtank

Tw for suicidal ideation, self-harm, etc.

My partner (26m) gave me (25f) an ultimatum that seemed logical to him, but stripped away my agency.

My dream has always been to be a mother. I got pregnant with a copper IUD in may and found out June 18. I was living in nc while my friends, family, and bf all live in California. When I found out, I was destroyed. I was entering my second year of grad school and getting ready to wrap up and graduate in may. I've always said I'd never get an abortion. I had an IUD, I wasn't supposed to even get pregnant. I don't know why I did it.

My bf was very adamant on not ready to be a parent, he said we both have lots we have to work through before we take that step. He wasn't even with me in nc when I had the procedure done. One of my friends from Colorado flew out to be with me instead. Because my bf just couldn't make it work.

I regret the decision every single day. My dad (60m) told me to "do whatever your bf wants you to do because the man never gets the choice". Well, that took away my choice. I allowed my choice to be taken away. I had the abortion on July 14 and I've only gotten worse and worse since then. I go to therapy, but my therapist can't see me anymore because I'm living in California with my bf now.

I just so badly need someone to talk to consistently about this, but I don't know where to go. I hate that I have to live in the body. I hate that my progress in grad school is at a major delay. My car and most of my other things are at my apartment in nc. I am grieving my child and my whole life.

I want my baby back so badly, but I know that if I didn't get the abortion, it'd just be a string of a whole bunch of different problems. I can't win. I have been self-harming again and it's gotten really bad. I think about killing myself literally daily. I feel closer and closer to my death and the reunification with my baby. I feel violated.

My bf does love me, truly, he didn't know that the abortion would cause me to have these feelings. He told me "if I knew I'd lose you, too, I would have never asked you to get it done". My mother said the same thing. Everyone wanted me to have the abortion except myself and my best friend.

Has anyone else been through something similar and come out okay? I still want children, but I don't even want to be alive anymore. I feel like I don't deserve children after what I did. I feel disgust. I feel like the only way I can feel better is if I'm pregnant again and I carry to term and birth the child and take care of it.

Moving back to California after finishing school. Need some recommendations for moving companies please!

~3 weeks post SA. The first couple weeks were really bad. Constant crying, physical pain, regret, suicidal ideation, the works. I now haven't cried in over a week and feel completely numb, disconnected from myself and that experience, and just trying to be normal. Going on walks, runs, watching tv, playing games, neglecting course work. But I can't help but feel that I will never feel normal again. I feel bitter and resentment towards my friends and family. My best friend just moved in with her bf and said something (jokingly) about how her bf seems to want to baby trap her, and that fills me with so much jealousy and anguish because I want a baby. I wanted this baby. I chose to abort because the father was adamant that he didn't want a child right now and I didn't want to ruin his life with that. But I've ruined my own by making this choice. I just fear that this is how my life will be forever now. Constantly angry, but not able to show it. Constant bitterness, unable to show. Just pissed off at the world and everyone in it. I do regret my decision to go through with it. I wish I could take it back, but I can't. Ive been thinking about giving up on my life and myself because of this all.

Tw

I did it last week, July 14. I'm grieving like I never have before. The guilt is overwhelming. I did it because my boyfriend showed gave me an ultimatum (keep the pregnancy and he'll quit his very good, new job or terminate and he'll get to be happy at his very good, new job) and my dad told me to do what my boyfriend wanted.

I wish I never met my boyfriend. I love him too much, I'm willing to do too much for him, I killed my first child for him. I feel disgusted with myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I've relapsed, started cutting myself again. I started forcing myself to throw up, just from the sheer disgust I have for me. Can't stop thinking about ending my life, and feel like maybe I will. I can't believe I did it. I kept checking with my bf to see if he truly wanted me to terminate and he did. And today I told him I feel like we could've made it work and he said he doesn't think his mind would've changed.

It should've been me. I should be the one who isn't alive anymore. At least if I had killed myself, my bf wouldn't have to be a father and I wouldn't have to be a killer. If I killed myself instead, the fetus would have died after I did. It would've been unviable because the vessel that it was in had died.

I wish I didn't do it. I hate myself. I HATE myself. I'm so disgusted and I feel like I can never heal from this. It doesn't help that I am the only one grieving this loss. No one understands me it feels like. I'm scared and broken.

I've (25f) been at his (26m) place for a few days and I told him "if we played roblox and you died in a game, I would spend robux to rev you" and he said "what about snapchat streak" and I said no. Then he told me that he's spent money on it multiple times!!! I thought the streak was reviving on its own because he sends the streak within a certain time frame, but I guess he's just been spending a dollar every single time?!!? And when I asked him why, he said "I know you would be sad if it died" and oml I am so lucky :') maybe mundane and silly to a lot of people, but I've never had anyone be so kind and understanding to me and I wanted to share how sweet this is.

Tw: suicide mention

I (25f) do want to start off by saying that this experience has completely reshaped my life and views on everything. Sorry, this might be a long one and might be a bit all of the place.

I have said that I would never, ever get an abortion because "it's wrong".

When I was a teenager, I supported abortion SO much, and it didn't matter why, either. I was proudly pro-woman, I wanted women to feel empowered and not ashamed. Somewhere between teenhood and adulthood, I kind of lost that. I became more bitter, less understanding. I began to have a mindset of "I would never get an abortion" and "I can't support the idea of someone I know having an abortion". I think it started when I began hanging out with people (rightwing religious people) in 2020, who constantly put women down and made it a point to say abortion is wrong because it's murder and goes against God, that women who do it are evil and selfish.

I started the birth control pill at age 14. It was mostly for hormonal reasons, but it also prevented pregnancy. Around the age of 21, I started hating the pill. It gave me headaches, made me moody, I don't think I should've ever started it, honestly. I got a mirena IUD. I also hated that, because despite the obgyn saying it was a "localized hormonal birth control", I still felt it in my brain, in terms of how it affected me, mentally. It also made my libido sink to nothing. I hated the partner I was with and have the IUD removed. I decided to not be on birth control at all for about a year or so. Then, I learned about no hormonal birth control, like the copper IUD. I decided to get it inserted in may or june of 2023.

I met my boyfriend at university in September of 2023. We hit it off quick. There was tons of chemistry and things were awesome. But after I graduated, I would be moving 2500 miles away for grad school. From one coast to the other. I moved in August 2025. We've been maintaining long distance and it's been manageable. I saw him in May for a couple weeks. I went back to my residential state at the beginning of June and continued life as normal: happy, going for runs, taking care of myself. However, as my period started getting closer, I noticed I felt more tired than usual. I was sleeping almost all day, which I had never had before. I started craving really weird things, like vanilla ice cream with (Italian 6) cheese and salt on it. I decided to test for pregnancy as a joke, but I was rudely awoken that I was actually pregnant. With a copper IUD. That I had for 3 years.

I went to urgent care, I went to the emergency room, I had countless tests done for a couple weeks. The pregnancy was not ectopic. It was completely normal, developing healthy, it seems. I have a chance to have a baby with the man I love, but...

We live 2500 miles away. I'm in school. For another 10 months. He starts his career next Monday. He's moving 500 miles for said career. He did tell me that if I want to go fullterm, he would reject the job (135k/yr, benefits, stocks, the works!) and move to my state so I don't have to be pregnant alone. The timing is bad, in general. We tried to prevent it. I had an IUD. Now I feel like I'm suffering and bearing an unforgivable sin because I'm deciding to have an abortion. I feel like I'm failing God, myself, my family, even my partner (despite him being adamant that he thinks this is best, as well. He has also expressed not being okay with abortion in the past, so I don't know why this is an exception). I feel so distraught and emotional over this, like I'm making a huge mistake. I'm worried, I'm scared. I have my SA scheduled for tomorrow and one of my friends flew out to be with me for a few days, she leaves Thursday. I'm mad that it isn't him here with me. I'm mad that I feel like I'm going through this alone. However, I'm flying back home on Friday to be with my partner for a month while I try to recover emotionally (and hormonally). I'm scared that this is going to make me suicidal, as I've had thoughts about it while thinking about aborting. I really, really need support.

I also want to add that my views about my religion have changed. God is not strict, but loving. God is not vengeful, but forgiving. And every damn woman should have the right to an abortion, NO MATTER WHAT. This is the hardest decision I've ever made and I know it's difficult for EVERY PERSON WHO GETS ONE!!! I will now always advocate for abortion and ensure that I will never be part of the problem again.

TL;DR: I think religion has caused me lots and lots of shame around having an abortion and I'm scared, despite getting pregnant with a copper IUD. Guilt, shame, embarrassment, abandoning faith

I moved 2500 miles across the country, from California to North Carolina, to come to UNC. I was ecstatic when I received my acceptance letter in the spring of 2025. I had plans and things in order, I was ready for this huge leap of faith. Life derailed and got bad about a month before I moved here, but then it got much better a few days before leaving california.

North carolina has been isolating, I havent really made many friends and I chose not to live in Chapel Hill or Carrboro because I thought it meant I'd have the same experiences that I had in my undergraduate program (wherein I was drinking daily and didnt apply my full potential). I needed to lock in because this is something I care about. School became the priority, not making friends or having fun. If i wanted to have socializing, I'd just fly to california. It's where my heart is: my friends, family, and boyfriend of almost 3 years.

Last time I went to california was last month, about 4 weeks ago. I was seeing off one of my good friends who was leaving the country for work. I stayed with my boyfriend during this visit.

On Thursday, I was diagnosed with pregnancy. 2500 miles away from my friends, family, boyfriend, entire support system, doctors, everything. On top of this, I have a copper IUD that is in the correct placement and has not been removed, but it failed me.

Now, I'm facing the decision of terminating the pregnancy (which is already high risk due to the likelihood of ectopic or miscarriage) and continuing my schooling, or dropping out and moving back to california to have a baby and raise it.

This is the most difficult decision I have ever, ever faced in my life and I'm not sure where to go, or if there's resources for people in my situation. I fear losing all of my progress, but I know I cant be in school if I'm due to have a baby. There's so many what-ifs right now and the pregnancy is much too early to push me in either direction.

Life is unfair, but I suppose it could always be worse.

What's up gang!!

I (25f) wanted to share my very new experience to let others who also might be having this issue not feel so alone. After 3 years of having a copper IUD and no issues with consistent sexual activity (1 partner), I am now testing positive for pregnancy. First day of last period was May 21, so I'm testing positive extremely early (~3 weeks). The thing is, theres so many risks and complications that pregnancies may have when someone has an IUD. I almost want it to be ectopic (despite that risk) just so I dont have to have a baby im not ready for (abortion is NOT an option for me). I spent all of today at the urgent care and then emergency room, received multiple tests and had an ultrasound. All tests pointed to positive, but the ultrasound is far too early to see anything.

The thing is, my boyfriend and I live 2500 miles apart. I'm in my last year of grad school, after being in school for 7 years to work towards this degree. All of my family lives 2500 miles away and I dont really have friends where I live. I am dealing with all of this alone, and my support system is entirely virtual. There's been lots of tears and fears today.

To other people in this position: you are not alone, you are seen, anything you do is valid. Trust yourself always. You will make the right choice.

and please remember: it can ALWAYS be worse. I'll be reminding myself and everyone else of this until the end of time.