u/mtzehvor

Around 50% off on most things

I stopped for gas Saturday afternoon and went into the store while I was waiting for my car to fuel. While I was standing in the checkout line with my starbursts, Mike Vrabel burst through the door and charged for the sexual wellness section. I didn’t think much of it until he came back to the front and shoved me and the dude currently checking out aside. He slammed a giant box of Trojan condoms on the counter and breathlessly asked the employee “are these latex free?” When the employee tried to explain that condoms are almost exclusively made of latex, Vrabel shrugged and said “to hell with it, I was planning on losing my dick after the next Super Bowl anyway.”

The guy who was paying at the time finally got to his feet and said “excuse me, I was here first.” Vrabel whipped around and snapped “Don’t ruin this for me man, I told my boss I’m at marriage counseling right now.” He then slammed a crisp $5 bill on the counter and said “keep the change” before walking towards the door. The employee tried to stop him, saying that five dollars wasn’t enough, but he just pulled out his phone and said “Sorry, can’t talk, that’s the counselor” with a wink.

I watched him and a woman in her 40s get into a grey 2002 Nissan Altima. I saw the car long enough to notice the “it’s not abuse, it’s just my husband’s kink” bumper sticker before it sped off. Eventually I paid for my snack and walked out, noticing the skid marks the car left behind. I wonder who his wife is; they must be a very happy family to be so eager about a weekend together. 

• Sets up a crime syndicate, explicitly says he wants to not draw attention for now.
• Immediately raids a fucking police station
• Sees some random Jedi girl and decides to kidnap her in the hopes of converting her to his side
• Acts like a fucking creep about revenge, unsurprisingly she ditches him
• Star Destroyer shows up shortly afterwards because, yknow, someone obviously narced on him raiding a police station
• Catches a lucky break when they find the Jedi first and focus on them
• Instead of leaving when the empire is distracted, decides to get himself on the empires shit list by personally interfering with an inquisitor fighting the Jedi
• Takes the Jedi back to his base and is an even bigger weirdo somehow, crashes out when she tells him to fuck off again
• Empire shows up on his front door now because they’re understandably sick of his shit
• Mercenaries he’s hired read the writing on the wall and peace out (then die anyway)
• Maul gets separated from the rest of his forces and gets his shit pushed in by two inquisitors that Ahsoka no diffs in the future
• Remaining troops suffer heavy losses before a handful of survivors finally escape
• Maul gets his legs broken and left for dead while he crashes out again over Palps killing his bro and Obi Wan dicking on him on Naboo

THEY CALL HIM 007

0 Jedis converted to your side

0 Actual money made from being a crime lord

7 PTSD flashbacks before season 1 ends