u/murayokku

i want friends. i want to be able to tell someone how i feel. i want to know that someone actually gives a shit about me. but in the end, i’ve never really had that, and i’m tired.

i had a “friend” that i was friends with for 2 years, and in the end he openly replaced me with other guys. for the last year he absolutely didn’t care about me, while i kept telling everyone he was a good friend, basically lying to myself so people wouldn’t see me as a loser.

we stopped talking, and then i met another guy, but he’s the same. he’s constantly putting me down and insulting me. not in the sense of calling me an idiot or anything, he just goes after my insecurities. my father hanged himself before i was born, and i remember him making jokes about that. on top of that, he just doesn’t want to talk to me.

i live in a small city and i’ve never been able to make friends here. i can’t. it just doesn’t work. it feels like it’s impossible.

but the thing is, i genuinely don’t understand what’s wrong with me. why don’t people want to talk to me? what did i do wrong? why? i don’t insult people, i would never replace a friend, i’m honest with people, and so on. why?

does appearance really affect socializing that much? do people genuinely not want to talk to me just because of how i look? or am i just cringe? man i don’t know

i was diagnosed with tuberculosis about a year ago, though i’d had it long before that. i cough up blood every day and can barely walk anymore. there’s no blood left in me, i’m just dying. i turn 21 in two months and i’m scared i’m gonna die soon.

i thought about ending it myself by shooting myself in the head so i could die painlessly, but i can’t do it. this is killing me both mentally and physically. how am i supposed to live knowing i’m dying? i take my meds, but who says they’ll even work?

i’ve had terrible health since birth and thousands of other illnesses, both physical and mental. i’m just tired. i’ve spent my whole life suffering from these diseases. i suffer from schizophrenia, i suffer from depression. i don’t want to live like this. i don’t want anything at all.

i have nobody. i sit at home 24/7 and don’t even go outside. i dropped out because i didn’t have the strength to keep going to university. is this the end? how am i supposed to live? i don’t know what to do with my life. i’m probably wasting my last few months doing meaningless bullshit and accomplishing nothing. my whole life has been one long pile of shit. what’s even the point?