Am I being manipulated or are we just communicating badly? I genuinely can’t tell anymore.
I’m autistic and I honestly feel like I’m losing my grip on what’s normal in my relationship and I desperately need advice.
This started because my girlfriend got upset at dinner after I stopped her friend from falling. Her friend tripped over a chair while getting up and I instinctively grabbed her around the waist so she wouldn’t hit the ground. We awkwardly laughed afterward because it was embarrassing and then I immediately went back to my girlfriend and held her hand because I could already tell she seemed uncomfortable.
Later that night she texted me saying I was way too friendly with her friends and that the moment looked intimate and humiliating for her to watch. I understood why it upset her and I apologized for making her uncomfortable, but the conversation just kept escalating for hours and hours.
The reason I’m posting here is because I feel like no matter what response I give, it somehow becomes proof that I’m selfish, manipulative, uncaring, avoiding accountability, violating boundaries, etc.
If I apologized, it became “you only care now that I’m threatening to leave.” If I explained my intentions, it became “you’re twisting things to make me sound crazy.” If I got overwhelmed and needed a minute, it became “ghosting.” If I asked to talk in person because texting was getting confusing, it became “you don’t respect boundaries.” If I agreed to give space, suddenly I was accused of not fighting for the relationship enough. If I tried expressing my own feelings at all, I got told I was making everything about me.
At one point she started bringing my autism into it and saying a neurotypical person would understand how to communicate better and stop “misreading” the situation. She also said I use anxiety/autism as excuses to avoid accountability.
There’s also a rule in our relationship where during arguments I’m supposed to respond within 10 minutes so she knows I’m not avoiding her. When I got overwhelmed and stepped away for about two hours because I genuinely felt like I was spiraling, she said I completely violated her boundaries and extended the amount of “space” she wanted from five days to seven.
Then later when I accepted the space and backed off, she suddenly wanted to meet in person immediately and got upset when I hesitated because I was genuinely starting to panic.
By the end of the conversation I honestly told her I couldn’t tell what was real anymore because every attempt to communicate seemed to get turned around into something bad. She said I was trying to make her the villain and acting like she was gaslighting me when really she was “just communicating.”
I know she has real insecurities and I know I’m not perfect socially, especially under pressure, so I genuinely cannot tell if: I’m actually emotionally failing her this badly because of autism or if this dynamic has become manipulative and psychologically unhealthy.
I just need outside perspective because I feel completely destabilized at this point. It feels claustrophobic like everything is closing in and I can’t do anything right anymore.