u/neonnaturenurse

No goodbye. No closure. 7 years together erased. Like I never even existed to him at all.

I have been reading through some old texts surrounding arguments trying to understand what happened. From what I can see and remember, the argument would usually start when I brought up an issue. It seems the issues were a mix between past concerns that I couldn’t let go of (history of lies, history or porn addiction, concerns about badmouthing me and planning retaliation with his mother) and more current ongoing concerns (feeling like I carried the bulk of the financial, mental, and emotional load, him prioritizing hobbies over responsibilities)

Things would escalate, and I felt it was due to my husband being defensive, and I would also escalate. He would mention how he felt controlled, policed, and like he was constantly walking on eggshells. Typically things would get intense quickly and I would end up reacting strongly and saying hurtful things like “I want a divorce”, “I want a separation”, “I feel like can’t leave because of your disability and the fact that you depend on me”, etc.

My husband would then leave the home and send me long messages detailing his perspective. How he felt constantly monitored, how nothing he did was ever good enough, how he couldn’t tolerate my emotional reactions and he felt the same as he did growing up in an abusive home. He mentioned frequently feeling unhappy and how our life had always been hard. He mentioned feeling like he had to always monitor everything he did as he feared a reaction from me. He mentioned feeling like he had to prove his worth and that it seemed obvious that I thought he was a piece of shit. He mentioned feeling like he could do anything without me being jealous or accusatory and he felt like when I encouraged him to, I secretly didn’t want him to. That I always had to be right and I wouldn’t listen to him.

As I was reading my own responses to what he was saying, I can see where I would initially try to validate his concern, but then I would explain that it wasn’t my intention and why I thought and reacted the way I did, or I would try to clarify where he was perceiving my side incorrectly. Sometimes I would even get angry with him and explain how what he was doing was guilt tripping and turning things around on me to make himself the victim. As I have been learning more about healthy communication, it seems I should have just apologized and asked him what he needed from me.

I know that in the moment I felt like I was doing the right thing. I felt like I was empathizing. But I also know that I did think I was right. I didn’t think that my emotional outbursts were okay, and I apologized for those things, but I did often double down and try to further clarify my perspective. I would also explain how I didn’t intend to make him so miserable and how it seemed like things weren’t working. I told him I was tired of being the one who was blamed for everything. Lots more things.

After reading all of this again I don’t even know if he is avoidant at all or if I am just anxious and abusive and he was defending himself. I can’t tell if he was Turing things around on me or if he was expressing legitimate concerns that I just couldn’t be receptive to because I was unwilling to self reflect and understand his perspective.

I feel like I am going crazy. I don’t want to make excuses for myself and I don’t want to be in denial if I am the problem. I do know I was super unhappy with the relationship. That I felt he wasn’t putting in equal effort and that he was very irresponsible. That I couldn’t communicate with him. That I felt constantly pressured and coerced for sex. But I don’t want to be the one reframing things if that is the reality. I am afraid I am just labeling him so that I don’t have to feel the hilt and shame of having ruined a marriage. He said he was miserable the whole time and that he just didn’t let himself think about it. What do I do?

I am trying to turn the focus from my ex and onto myself. Looking for advice/info about what you did to get yourself out of the hole and feeling more confident and happy. Certain exercises or foods, books you read, daily habits, activities you started or joined that made a difference? Please give details for the rest of us so we can join you on the other side of the grief!

I am trying to force myself to lose hope. Logically, I know he is never coming back. Even if he did, the person he is now is not the person I loved or thought I was married to. I can’t undo the realizations I have had about our relationship since we split up. He couldn’t ever undo the damage he did when he blamed me for everything and framed me as abusive and toxic for months. For some reason there is still a part of me that hopes this is like all of the other times he left- that he will eventually change his mind and want to return. I think my body is still anticipating that.

I know I am not done grieving, and I feel hindered by this unreasonable expectation floating in the back of my mind. Part of me still wants things to go back to the way they were before it all came crashing down. I miss him. I miss his friendship. I miss talking with him everyday. Not having any contact at all is really painful after seven years of shared life. The rational part knows that the marriage was hurting me and wasn’t healthy. I still feel such a huge gap where he was. I wonder if he is thinking of me and if he is in pain also, or if he is happy with his freedom and feeling relief. When will my mind and body accept this as real? When will I escape the subtle desire for him to realize he was wrong? How can I get this to become something firm in my mind without hoping for all of these unrealistic outcomes?

Was it worth it? Do you have regrets?

Why do I have the urge to unblock him? I am afraid if I do it will hurt worse everyday that he doesn’t text. But if I have him blocked I am afraid I will miss any potential message he may send? Which helps the healing process?

My husband read a redpill book about four months ago. Then started listening to the podcasts. His behavior changed completely and he started being a macho douche type guy who no longer cared about my feelings at all. He then discarded me to go live his fantasy life of peace, freedom, no responsibilities, and no care about anyone but himself. Can anyone relate?

My husband is leaving after seven years together and he is cold and blaming and cruel. He has said he feels like we have done this cycle over and over and he has no faith that it will ever change. I have apologized and taken accountability for my part over and over, and I have begged for us to repair. He absolutely refuses to see how his behaviors contribute to the pattern. He refuses to acknowledge that he is defensive and won’t listen to or take accountability for any problems, and he refuses to see that when he takes off and leaves all the time it severely damages trust and stability of the relationship. He refuses to acknowledge any wrongdoing at all and places the blame solely on me. I know things are over between us. There is no going back now. But will he ever realize how that he made mistakes too? Months or years down the line will he see his part? Or will he never realize that he played a role?

My husband has gotten approved for an apartment in the town we met in. It is four hours away. The town where my family lives and near to his family also. He is set on the divorce and remains cold and blaming. I know I shouldn’t want to be with someone who isn’t choosing me. I know he wants to return to the carefree life he had before our marriage. Why am I still hurting so bad? I feel scared to be up here away from my family and alone. I don’t even know what to do with myself. Two months ago I had an entire future planned and now I have nothing and am starting over.

This is long and rambling and I appreciate those who make it to the end. My husband will turn 40 this year. I am 38F. He grew up in poverty with no responsibilities, I grew up highly controlled in a middle class home with extremely high expectations. Our relationship has been rocky from the start. He is a habitual liar and he has very immature tendencies. He has trouble keeping entry level jobs and his priorities are video games, his motorcycle, and sex. He still primarily watches cartoons, fantasy shows, or old monster movies and he only talks about those topics, politics, or his glory days playing guitar for a bar cover band. I have been the primary provider for our entire 7 year relationship. I am an RN.

Early in our relationship, he moved in with me into the house that I owned. I had paid off all of my debt except student loans. My son was 9. Our relationship has been plagued with me catching my husband in lies or my becoming extremely emotionally reactive after arguments over uneven contributions or his belittling or humiliating me to his mother, etc. From his perspective, I have pushed him to do more than he is able our whole relationship and I don’t notice the little things he does. He says he makes himself available so that if I want or need something from him he can do it immediately. He gave an example that if I say I want a soup soon he can immediately go to the store and get things to make soup. He also just leaves and gives me the silent treatment when big arguments start when I try to bring up a problem or issue. He is very defensive and he won’t apologize or take blame, just turns it around to something I have done wrong. He will leave for a day or two without communicating often, and 5 or 6 times he has left for several weeks up to a couple of months at a a time. I have not really trusted him for a while and I started monitoring his phone and location frequently. I have frequently said I want a divorce in fights only to feel guilty and apologize profusely when things calmed down.

He also says I manipulated him by giving him great sex at the beginning but now
I have a list of needs for him to meet for me to feel comfortable. Those are things like taking it slow and rubbing my body so I can relax, not constantly pressuring me or groping my body all day when I am not in the mood, not interrupting me continuously while we are having family movie or tv time with sexual gestures or comments, and allowing me privacy to change or shower without oogling my body and making sexual comments. More about allowing me to relax and actually feel sexual rather than him constantly pressuring me until I give in to get him to stop. Our sex life also started dwindling the last couple of years after I became his full time caregiver when he went on hemodialysis for kidney failure and also continued to maintain the entire financial, mental, and emotional load. We had sex about once a week leading up to separation and it was always a fantasy outfit thing or role play scenario to meet his needs.

I eventually sold my first house and bought a second, and ended up having to short sale that one. When we got married and I added him to my bank account, our entire checking and saving account got garnished to $0 because of his back and current child support that he secretly wasn’t paying on. When he got sick he didn’t have a job and I had just started a new one, so we racked up almost $200,000 worth of medical debt in six months. We had to file bankruptcy to get out of that hole.

When things are good, we spend all of our free time together. We take day trips and play games and go to the store together. We laugh and cuddle and things feel okay. He brings me little treats from the store and he had started to really help around the house and do projects to make our life feel good like work on making the backyard look nice. We were in couples therapy for five months with things seemingly improving before it all fell apart. We had a big fight that led to both of us becoming flooded heightened and acting out of line. Nothing physical, that has never occurred.

After the fight my husband moved into the spare room and gave me the silent treatment. He has avoided me since. Eventually he told me he was scared of me, couldn’t trust me, and he thinks we should divorce. After about six weeks of me begging him to repair and us both work on our part of things, he continued to blame solely me for all of the problems in our relationship and he refused to commit to repair of any kind. He said I have always tried to change who he was. He said my concerns were a me problem and he doesn’t think he should have to change anything. He framed our entire relationship as a giant string of abuses against him.

I finally said we should proceed with divorce. I couldn’t continue to allow myself and my son to be in that kind of harmful position any longer. He agreed and has continued to blame me and make the accusations more and more extreme, but in rare occasions he will make a nice comment or do something nice and then go back to accusing and blaming or silent treatment. He is supposed to move out by the end of the month, and that will make two and a half months separated.

I just wonder if this could ever change? I think now that maybe I never appreciated who he was and I was always trying to change him to be someone different. I did love his lighthearted, fun, and funny nature. I think about trying to be with someone else and I just can’t imagine it.

I wonder if I was trying to find my happiness through him and that pushed him too hard. Should I have just focused on myself and been more appreciative of having a companion? Is it unreasonable to want my partner to contribute or share the load? Do all men push for sex like that and I am just not able to tolerate the attention? Most importantly, am I going to regret this? I am in so much pain losing the person who has been my best and only friend for the past 7 years. The person who has been beside me through all of these struggles. Everyone he came back things felt so relieving and like things would actually work out this time. I don’t know if anyone else will ever love me. I am afraid I am going to be alone forever and it is all my fault because of that last fight.

This is long and rambling and I appreciate those who make it to the end. My husband will turn 40 this year. I am 38F. He grew up in poverty with no responsibilities, I grew up highly controlled in a middle class home with extremely high expectations. Our relationship has been rocky from the start. He is a habitual liar and he has very immature tendencies. He has trouble keeping entry level jobs and his priorities are video games, his motorcycle, and sex. He still primarily watches cartoons, fantasy shows, or old monster movies and he only talks about those topics, politics, or his glory days playing guitar for a bar cover band. I have been the primary provider for our entire 7 year relationship. I am an RN.

Early in our relationship, he moved in with me into the house that I owned. I had paid off all of my debt except student loans. My son was 9. Our relationship has been plagued with me catching my husband in lies or my becoming extremely emotionally reactive after arguments over uneven contributions or his belittling or humiliating me to his mother, etc. From his perspective, I have pushed him to do more than he is able our whole relationship and I don’t notice the little things he does. He says he makes himself available so that if I want or need something from him he can do it immediately. He gave an example that if I say I want a soup soon he can immediately go to the store and get things to make soup. He also just leaves and gives me the silent treatment when big arguments start when I try to bring up a problem or issue. He is very defensive and he won’t apologize or take blame, just turns it around to something I have done wrong. He will leave for a day or two without communicating often, and 5 or 6 times he has left for several weeks up to a couple of months at a a time. I have not really trusted him for a while and I started monitoring his phone and location frequently. I have frequently said I want a divorce in fights only to feel guilty and apologize profusely when things calmed down.

He also says I manipulated him by giving him great sex at the beginning but now
I have a list of needs for him to meet for me to feel comfortable. Those are things like taking it slow and rubbing my body so I can relax, not constantly pressuring me or groping my body all day when I am not in the mood, not interrupting me continuously while we are having family movie or tv time with sexual gestures or comments, and allowing me privacy to change or shower without oogling my body and making sexual comments. More about allowing me to relax and actually feel sexual rather than him constantly pressuring me until I give in to get him to stop. Our sex life also started dwindling the last couple of years after I became his full time caregiver when he went on hemodialysis for kidney failure and also continued to maintain the entire financial, mental, and emotional load. We had sex about once a week leading up to separation and it was always a fantasy outfit thing or role play scenario to meet his needs.

I eventually sold my first house and bought a second, and ended up having to short sale that one. When we got married and I added him to my bank account, our entire checking and saving account got garnished to $0 because of his back and current child support that he secretly wasn’t paying on. When he got sick he didn’t have a job and I had just started a new one, so we racked up almost $200,000 worth of medical debt in six months. We had to file bankruptcy to get out of that hole.

When things are good, we spend all of our free time together. We take day trips and play games and go to the store together. We laugh and cuddle and things feel okay. He brings me little treats from the store and he had started to really help around the house and do projects to make our life feel good like work on making the backyard look nice. We were in couples therapy for five months with things seemingly improving before it all fell apart. We had a big fight that led to both of us becoming flooded heightened and acting out of line. Nothing physical, that has never occurred.

After the fight my husband moved into the spare room and gave me the silent treatment. He has avoided me since. Eventually he told me he was scared of me, couldn’t trust me, and he thinks we should divorce. After about six weeks of me begging him to repair and us both work on our part of things, he continued to blame solely me for all of the problems in our relationship and he refused to commit to repair of any kind. He said I have always tried to change who he was. He said my concerns were a me problem and he doesn’t think he should have to change anything. He framed our entire relationship as a giant string of abuses against him.

I finally said we should proceed with divorce. I couldn’t continue to allow myself and my son to be in that kind of harmful position any longer. He agreed and has continued to blame me and make the accusations more and more extreme, but in rare occasions he will make a nice comment or do something nice and then go back to accusing and blaming or silent treatment. He is supposed to move out by the end of the month, and that will make two and a half months separated.

I just wonder if this could ever change? I think now that maybe I never appreciated who he was and I was always trying to change him to be someone different. I did love his lighthearted, fun, and funny nature. I think about trying to be with someone else and I just can’t imagine it.

I wonder if I was trying to find my happiness through him and that pushed him too hard. Should I have just focused on myself and been more appreciative of having a companion? Is it unreasonable to want my partner to contribute or share the load? Do all men push for sex like that and I am just not able to tolerate the attention? Most importantly, am I going to regret this? I am in so much pain losing the person who has been my best and only friend for the past 7 years. The person who has been beside me through all of these struggles. Everyone he came back things felt so relieving and like things would actually work out this time. I don’t know if anyone else will ever love me. I am afraid I am going to be alone forever and it is all my fault because of that last fight.