u/notabotijusthaveocd

I rely too much on the internet for emotional stuff because I have no one in real life, so any negative responses hurt my feelings. I dont know.

In 2024, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I went through the whole experience alone. My mom was there but is emotionally unavailable. Right before I got diagnosed with thyroid cancer, I was feeling extremely faint. I couldn't take hot showers, and I love hot showers, without feeling severely dizzy and out of breath. I didn't know what was wrong. So I got out of the shower with just my towel on and lay on the floor of my room to stop feeling like I was going to pass out. I tried telling my mom this, but she didn't care. She was upset that I didn't actually take a shower. She told me, "Do you actually want to go to the doctor?" I was going to just say no. I felt defeated, like I do now. I felt she didn't care. I felt no one cared, but I went anyway and then ultimately got diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

Even now, my mom doesn't believe my symptoms, even though my entire thyroid is gone. She believes just by drinking tea and taking aspirin, I'll be better. After the surgery, she immediately left, and I was in the room by myself. This was my first ever surgery. Then, at one of my endo appointments, I was panicking. I was scared it had come back, and the only thing she commented on was my shoes being dirty. When I got upset, she left and handed me a magazine about physical health.

All my appointments, I've been alone. My fine needle appointment follow up to check my lymph nodes, I was alone. My mom actually asked me if she could wait in the car while I got it done, even though I was scared. I spent the whole time before surgery in my room not eating. No one called, no one checked up on me, and no one asked how I was. I realized at this time how truly alone I was and severely regressed. Every small gain I had was driven back. Now I'm about to lose my job, which is the only thing I have, really.

There are other things in my life that are bad. I have 2 personality disorders, OCD, severe depression, and social anxiety. The only family I got is my mom and my brother, who is severely handicapped mentally and nonverbal. Never had grandparents on either side of my family. My dad is alive but has abandoned me. He is not a bad guy, I guess. He should just never have had kids.

My brother has no empathy, really, at all. His world is very small, and he only really likes watching cartoons and Supernanny for some reason. He is 27. Right after I got surgery and I came home a day later, he had a meltdown and was screaming at the top of his lungs. I don't know why. He doesn't usually do that, so I don't know.

My whole life, I've been neglected by every adult. So many adults in my life, I'm sure, saw something was wrong, but I guess it wasn't their business, so they let me be. Now I'm an adult, and I'm just dysfunctional. I don't have the willpower to pull myself out of this misery all by myself. I could go on. I dont know if I want to die, I think I want my life to get better. I don't die because im afraid to. I dont die because I hope one day I will have someone who loves me and cares about me and checks up on me. But I look at myself now, on top of this big keloid on my neck and if I saw myself even I wouldn't want anything to do with me.

i feel so angry. my sadness is unbearable it gives way to anger. i feel anger towards my brother. he is severely mentally handicapped. i dont believe he has compassion. like you could cry infront of him and he will be indifferent. you could probably drop dead and hed just be annoyed...not at the moment.. in the moment hed just ignore you and watch his computer. but whenever he got hungry thats when hed probably walk over to your dead body and just loudly stim until i guess someone came and got him or he dies. i resent him a lot. i know he cant help it but he has no love in him. im not saying he cant feel emotions ij ust think those emptions are very limited..maybe to the anger category..sometimes he does laugh. i dont know why it seems random sometimes. and he does not care about anyone beyond his own needs.

I WISH I WAS ABORTED. I HATE EVERYONE AGAINST ABORTION. NOW IM IN A WORLD WHERE NO ONE LOVES ME AND I AM ALONE. I SPEND EVERYDAY ALONE IN MY ROOM, MENTALLY ILL AND NOT ONE PERSON IN THIS WORLD CARES. NO ONE CALLS ME NO ONE CHECKS UP ON ME. EVEN WHEN IM IN PAIN MY MOM IGNORES ME. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS. DO YOU KNWO HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO BE IN THIS HORRIBLE SCARY WORLD ALONE? IM LOSING MY MIND.

i really want to die i think. im too scared to die. when its the end...then its the end. then the pain...i get scared thinking about it. i wish my life would get better more than i want to die, but with the lack of support i doubt it will. i wish i could go out and have friends. i wish i was good at my job that im going to lose. i wish i was a people person and everyone wanted to be around me. im tired of living my life in my room but im so scared. the fear takes my breath away. lets just face it i was born broken. born into a broken family. i was destined to have it rough. this is horrible. i wish i was aborted.