u/notniyah0520

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with a strong need for validation, attention, and reassurance from other people. When I was younger, I didn’t really know how to meet those needs in healthy ways, and I think I developed some unhealthy coping patterns, like lying about small or unnecessary things or trying to control how others perceived me.
I was previously diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, but recently my care team and I have started questioning whether that fully explains what I’m experiencing. There’s been some discussion about possible personality-related traits, but nothing is confirmed, and I’m still trying to understand myself.
One thing I’ve noticed is that my empathy feels very “selective.” I have a small group of people I feel deeply connected to and protective over. I care about them a lot, and they mean everything to me. Outside of that circle, I can sometimes feel emotionally detached or indifferent in a way that even confuses me. It doesn’t feel like a choice it feels automatic.
When I feel hurt, rejected, or disrespected by someone outside that inner circle, I can experience very intense emotional reactions. In those moments, I struggle a lot with anger, rumination, and a strong need to feel like the situation is “resolved” or that the other person understands the impact of what happened. I don’t like that I react this way, and I’m trying to understand it better and learn healthier ways to cope.
Recently, I was also told I may be experiencing anhedonia, which is basically when your brain doesn’t respond to pleasure or reward the same way. I’ve been feeling more emotionally numb or flat than I used to, and I think that may be making everything else harder to manage. It sometimes feels like I’m searching for *any* emotional reaction or intensity just to feel something.
I want to be very clear that I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m not okay with causing harm, and that’s not something I want in my life. What I *am* trying to understand is why I have these patterns of emotional intensity, attachment, and detachment, especially when I feel hurt or misunderstood, and how I can deal with it in a healthier way.
If anyone has experienced something similar like intense attachment to a small group, emotional numbness, difficulty with empathy outside certain relationships, or overwhelming reactions to conflict I’d really appreciate hearing what helped you manage it or understand it better.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with a strong need for validation, attention, and reassurance from other people. When I was younger, I didn’t really know how to meet those needs in healthy ways, and I think I developed some unhealthy coping patterns, like lying about small or unnecessary things or trying to control how others perceived me.
I was previously diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, but recently my care team and I have started questioning whether that fully explains what I’m experiencing. There’s been some discussion about possible personality-related traits, but nothing is confirmed, and I’m still trying to understand myself.
One thing I’ve noticed is that my empathy feels very “selective.” I have a small group of people I feel deeply connected to and protective over. I care about them a lot, and they mean everything to me. Outside of that circle, I can sometimes feel emotionally detached or indifferent in a way that even confuses me. It doesn’t feel like a choice it feels automatic.
When I feel hurt, rejected, or disrespected by someone outside that inner circle, I can experience very intense emotional reactions. In those moments, I struggle a lot with anger, rumination, and a strong need to feel like the situation is “resolved” or that the other person understands the impact of what happened. I don’t like that I react this way, and I’m trying to understand it better and learn healthier ways to cope.
Recently, I was also told I may be experiencing anhedonia, which is basically when your brain doesn’t respond to pleasure or reward the same way. I’ve been feeling more emotionally numb or flat than I used to, and I think that may be making everything else harder to manage. It sometimes feels like I’m searching for *any* emotional reaction or intensity just to feel something.
I want to be very clear that I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m not okay with causing harm, and that’s not something I want in my life. What I *am* trying to understand is why I have these patterns of emotional intensity, attachment, and detachment, especially when I feel hurt or misunderstood, and how I can deal with it in a healthier way.
If anyone has experienced something similar like intense attachment to a small group, emotional numbness, difficulty with empathy outside certain relationships, or overwhelming reactions to conflict I’d really appreciate hearing what helped you manage it or understand it better.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with a strong need for validation, attention, and reassurance from other people. When I was younger, I didn’t really know how to meet those needs in healthy ways, and I think I developed some unhealthy coping patterns, like lying about small or unnecessary things or trying to control how others perceived me.
I was previously diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, but recently my care team and I have started questioning whether that fully explains what I’m experiencing. There’s been some discussion about possible personality-related traits, but nothing is confirmed, and I’m still trying to understand myself.
One thing I’ve noticed is that my empathy feels very “selective.” I have a small group of people I feel deeply connected to and protective over. I care about them a lot, and they mean everything to me. Outside of that circle, I can sometimes feel emotionally detached or indifferent in a way that even confuses me. It doesn’t feel like a choice it feels automatic.
When I feel hurt, rejected, or disrespected by someone outside that inner circle, I can experience very intense emotional reactions. In those moments, I struggle a lot with anger, rumination, and a strong need to feel like the situation is “resolved” or that the other person understands the impact of what happened. I don’t like that I react this way, and I’m trying to understand it better and learn healthier ways to cope.
Recently, I was also told I may be experiencing anhedonia, which is basically when your brain doesn’t respond to pleasure or reward the same way. I’ve been feeling more emotionally numb or flat than I used to, and I think that may be making everything else harder to manage. It sometimes feels like I’m searching for any emotional reaction or intensity just to feel something.
I want to be very clear that I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m not okay with causing harm, and that’s not something I want in my life. What I am trying to understand is why I have these patterns of emotional intensity, attachment, and detachment, especially when I feel hurt or misunderstood, and how I can deal with it in a healthier way.
If anyone has experienced something similar like intense attachment to a small group, emotional numbness, difficulty with empathy outside certain relationships, or overwhelming reactions to conflict I’d really appreciate hearing what helped you manage it or understand it better.

This is a really long one. I’m sorry.

I have something called anhedonia. It’s a symptom that can happen with certain mental illnesses, such as depression, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder. The best way I can describe it is that you lose the ability to truly enjoy things. You can still feel happy, but the feeling is usually very brief before it fades away, and everything goes back to feeling flat.

The closest comparison I can think of is the comedown from MDMA. When someone takes MDMA, their serotonin becomes very high, and when it wears off, many people describe feeling emotionally flat, like they’ll never experience that same level of happiness again. Anhedonia feels somewhat similar, except it isn’t temporary. Instead of lasting a day or a week, it’s a constant emotional baseline.

It’s not that I’m unbearably depressed all the time. It’s more like I’m living in a gray version of life. I know I should feel excited or deeply happy about certain moments, but I don’t. I understand why something is supposed to be meaningful, but I can’t fully connect to the emotion.

For example, I used to love playing the piano. Now, when I sit down to play, I don’t really feel anything. I still recognize that it’s beautiful, but it doesn’t bring me the joy it once did.

The same thing happened when I graduated high school. I was happy that I graduated, but the feeling was very muted. My mom was crying because she was so proud and emotional, and while I understood why she felt that way, I couldn’t relate to the intensity of those emotions. To me, it was just, “I graduated. It’s over now.” I knew it was a major milestone, but emotionally it felt distant, almost as if I were watching someone else’s life instead of fully experiencing my own.

People ask me all the time, “Isn’t that better? Doesn’t it make life easier not to feel everything so intensely?” The answer is no.

When I have a manic episode or a severe depressive episode, my emotions are incredibly intense. Everything feels amplified. But when I’m stable my baseline it feels like the complete opposite. Nothing feels exciting, fulfilling, or emotionally significant.

I don’t know if it’s because my brain spends so much energy feeling everything so intensely during my episodes that, once they’re over, there’s just nothing left. I don’t know if that’s how it actually works, but that’s what it feels like.

People assume feeling “less” must be peaceful, but it isn’t. It’s actually miserable because I know what happiness feels like. I remember what it was like to genuinely laugh, get excited over little things, and feel passion for my hobbies. Now it feels like I’m constantly chasing an emotion that I can’t quite reach.

The hardest part is knowing the person I used to be. I know what genuine joy felt like, and I miss it.

The only thing that seems to temporarily break through that emotional flatness for me is nicotine or weed because they create a feeling that my brain doesn’t seem to produce naturally anymore. I know that’s temporary, and I know it isn’t a real solution, but it’s one of the few things that makes me feel something.

If anyone else experiences anhedonia, especially with bipolar disorder or another mental illness, I’d really love to hear what has helped you. I know everyone’s experience is different, but it would mean a lot to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.