u/onsetes

Light CW for miscarriage and health stuff. I hope it doesn’t break rules because although the context is serious, this post itself is light I think!

Had just come out of emergency surgery and the dr asked for my pain level. I said “I guess like a 6? 6/7?” and the doctor laughed and did the hand motion thing? And looked to the nurse, and they laughed. I laughed awkwardly with them because I was just like, oh. Haha. Yes. That thing. Then she want “haha, sorry, I have kids.” I was hospitalised because of complications/severe haemorrhaging as a result of a miscarriage, so, I guess the timing is what makes it kind of surreal and funny to me?

You know, I was aware of the whole “6 7” thing peripherally but not really in a position to be particularly annoyed by it (I don’t have kids) nor engage in it (I’m probably not the demographic) but it was obviously ubiquitous for awhile there. But i definitely didn’t expect it in that setting.

Hi all, I have had my share of abusive and controlling relationships, but my most recent experience that is still affecting my work deeply was from my marriage that ended a few years back. I’ve dealt with much more dangerous things, but the mental abuse has stuck with me and won’t leave. I’d really appreciate some advice.

I’m sorry if some of this is vague, it is difficult to talk about without identifying details. It is worth noting it is a high-pressure career with time sensitives (so not very easy to do when mentally unwell).

My ex spouse and I met through work events. Our field isn’t “small”, but it can feel like a small town on social media and at events. Okay; my ex is VERY talented and renowned in our field. Gets media coverage, awards, all that fun stuff. I was always very supportive of course. I knew they were great at what we do when I got married. Initially, they seemed proud of me too, and I guess saw “potential”.. But not long after we married, my ex was getting very harsh with me about the “quality” of my work. Constant put downs, unsolicited advice, and full on arguments when I wouldn’t apply said advice immediately or to an imagined standard. I remember being told my efforts were a waste, all kinds of stuff.

I want to be honest, I believe truthfully based on having done this work for over 15 years now that my skills are on the higher end of average; I’m slightly specialised, so I’d say I’m above average in my area of expertise, but I’m limited as an all-rounder. I can admit that comfortably- I never set out to break records, I just want to do my job consistently well and take care of what I need to take care of. But hey- credit to my ex, they’re sincerely one of the best out there. Can’t fault em. They want to reach for the stars, and power to them. I could never compete, and never wanted to. I was always secure knowing I was enough as is… But my ex was not happy with that. My ex wanted to be “equals”, and clearly didn’t view me as such. I suddenly found myself on the end of very frequent harsh criticism and insults. My ex straight up said at one point that they don’t “respect” me as a professional. I want to be clear, this is over subjective stuff; I perform well, get good feedback, maintain a high professional standard always. I also have really good relationships with everyone else I’ve worked with. And, no, I don’t think my ex felt threatened. I sincerely believe I was seen as being not good enough.

I toyed with leaving the field for a couple years. Technically, I had, but I had to return because it’s the only thing on my CV, and the job market isn’t forgiving at the moment. Trying out new paths at entry level while I was able to do so, my ex was extra upset that I “gave up”. So, I took classes to better evolve foundational skills (always a good idea), paid for private lessons in adjacent skillsets that I thought might help, and I really tried. It wasn’t cheap, either. Alas, my ex was not impressed with the progress and at this point, it began to really affect my mental health. I became severely depressed (diagnosed).

I gave it more time. I pushed. But then we moved far away together, and I had to build up again from what felt like scratch after the break, and now in a new environment without a stable support network. I found myself really struggling. My ex noticed I wasn’t well, and ended up leaving me. It didn’t take much time. We are divorced now.

I never ended up being able to work as well as I was working previously. I have noticed a serious decline in the amount of work I can complete in a day. I overthink and second guess everything, which, without saying too much, isn’t good in this job. I still hear my ex’s voice, despite incredibly deliberate efforts to close that valve. I know logically my ex is just an asshat and I am probably doing fine (no one is perfect).. But it is so deeply ingrained.. I actually get triggered from working. I don’t notice until I’m home, or the next day when I find myself going over every detail of a job, combing through every single decision I made with the most critical framing. It’s exhausting. I do not want this. I’m so depressed. I actually miss who I was before this. I had SUCH passion for my work, really, I was always excited to talk about it and share and come up with ideas and now I actively avoid any mention of it. I don’t engage with peers the same, either.

Also, when my ex left, my ex left me financially and geographically screwed, so that didn’t help either. I’d invested all I had into the relationship. I’m glazing over this, but just know, I was MASSIVELY screwed over in a really uncool way, regarding finances and our shared work. (Oh, and my ex almost immediately began a relationship with someone described by them as “better” than me at the career. I didn’t ask, but thanks.)

Well.. I made one last huge push to better myself without my ex- I continued my formal education as a mature student, trying to see if I can stay in the broader area of work but hopefully finding something technically different to qualify for. Well, I won’t get into it, but I’m more depressed, pessimistic, and critical than ever. My uni hasn’t been a supportive environment for me, at all, and the excitement I felt at beginning a “new chapter” feels idiotic now because I can see clearly now that this wasn’t at all what I expected and it’s unlikely I’ll find anything better. I was so excited to go back to school, it felt like the best day of my life when I began. All I’m feeling now is more of the same mental blocks. Weirdly, it’s worse somehow? Like it’s had time to cement. I know it isn’t my ex’s voice anymore- my ex is long gone. It’s my voice now.

I’m at a point where I’m going to end up in another shitty situation because I’m struggling to work and uphold a decent standard of mental health. I’m stuck in this career that is constantly triggering me and I’m constantly facing a struggle with my self worth as a result. I’m just getting poorer and more depressed, basically, and now I’m having health issues. I feel like my work was the one thing I “knew” and I feel as if I know nothing now, or maybe as if it just doesn’t matter because I can’t access/apply what I do know because my MH is so f’d.

How do I fix this?

Main Things: Leftist, vegan, animal lover, passionate about a ton of very random topics, artsy

Lesser but still pretty important Things: enjoys a yap; discussing mental health, discussing other people’s drama that I’m not involved with even a little bit, philosophical debates/discussions, kindness, and being chill in general… participating in gardening (if ya know what I mean), gaming, cooking, thrifting

Not important Things: hates!! baby corn, likes being on trains even though public transport is a little stressful. My opinion on matcha is that it is only okay.

Currently replaying NieR: Automata and Animal Crossing: New Horizons, but I love all kinds of games! Seriously, all kinds.

I just watched Project Hail Mary. Thought was good! Some movies I like are the Princess Bride, Shutter Island, Arrival, the newer Bond movies, the 2002 live action Scooby-Doo, Ratatouille… some TV series I like are Avatar the Last Airbender/ Korra, Hannibal, Black Adder, Always Sunny, Andor, Interview with the Vampire, I Think You Should Leave, Jeopardy!

Anything? :) maybe we have nothing in common but still vibe. That’s cool too! Hello!

Currently replaying NieR: Automata and Animal Crossing: New Horizons, but I love all kinds of games! Seriously, all kinds.

I really like fantasy RPGs (I grew up playing osrs), one of my favourite games is Dragon Age: Inquisition, got really into elder scrolls games, I’ve played a lot of the best-sellers (GTA V, RDR2, Last of Us, Uncharted, all the big ones that a lot of people play, those are all great) I like the Sims and “cosy” gaming, I even like word games and mobile app games. I just enjoy keeping busy gaming and would love to make friends with similar hobbies. Should go without saying, but please no weirdness 🙏

I’m having a not-so-great day and would love to hear someone yap about something they are passionate about. Bonus points if it’s media/video game related, but absolutely doesn’t need to be!

Editing to add: Random strong opinions about random topics also acceptable.