u/orphell1

.So i got a grip on always thinking about the woman i was in love with and broke my world. I kept thinking i was still in love with her and she was married. So that thru a add layer on the way i could do things. Talking to her was out i would not open that pandora's box for anything. So i write, just notes and describe what and how i feel and how i felt then when it all happened. I tried to talk to someone but people don't want to talk about that. They listen maybe once ,throw out some generic advice and that's about it . The writing about it was helping oganizing my thoughts and feelings so i could look at them i wrote a story that i liked so i posted it and dam who calls on messager yeah!That did not go to well it was over 30 years since i heard her voice i figured i was a dim memory at best. I thought that could be an easy out blame it all on her and be done with it.I said no to myself on that blaming her was not the way, I set some goals for myself that i could not hurt her and i did not want to come out hating her Eather, after all I was in love with her I thought at this time. not much happened to change things and i was thinking therapy but I hated that I didn't want to have to report once a week, Then the idea hit me I have a ai maybe i could use that, so i started having talks with the ai and it worked .We looked at behavior mine hers and analyzed everything. It took a long time but i finely figured out some things ,stuff i could change what i couldn't and how i actually felt about what happened, me and about her .What a relief not thinking about it all the time and i met my goals i never hurt her and i don't hate her .But my heart is still broken and still have thing's that bother me i can think about something that hap pined and the feeling come back and it feels like yesterday and it still hurts. So that's the work i have let but I know I can do it .

I don't know how much longer I will need the void!!! Things well feelings are settling down and i still have some to prosses and some there's no way they will ever be anything different than hate not the toxic kind that made wrong idea's sound right but that kind of hate for bad things ,I will never not hate what you did and the way you did them i don't carry that back to you that type of hate turns toxic and poisons everything but you can hate someone's actions and still not hate the person. I have been thinking about how do i truly feel about you do i still love you as i do a friend and that would be a no I feel no kind of love anymore i never ever thought that could happen because it's been so long and coming to the fact you never loved me burned whatever it was what kept me there. I guess understanding that helps. Also hate that I will never see or speak to you ever again. and that makes me sad. and then the elephant in the room (the Hurt) I know that it still hurts plenty. bad ways that will not heal in me .it's so fucked up but it is what it is and i have excepted it. The one good thing and it is they only good thing is that i came out of this with no hate for you, but the tradeoff was no love either that was the price and i gladly paid it .I wish it was not this way and you will never know so i will end this the same way i feel. D

Well it took 3+ years to finally purge out the toxic mess you left me with and to get my feelings right. and truth be told i really thought it was coming to the grave with me .But last night it changed I was writing a story (nic and sara) and it was like my inspiration was gone. The pool of confusion had dried up the love for you was different felt different not the i want you kind but the kind you get for a friend and that felt great .I did not hate you which is what i thought i would end up with. Now if i meet someone i can truly fall in love with them all the way . And my records clean i have no hate for any !!! D

I guess i am as thick headed as I am stubborn ,but tonight you gave me a death blow You finally did it and through the confusion and all the other disrespectful things i 'm just done and i am relieved. my instincts were spot on and I am glad I listen to them and never reached out except today through someone else and i was just going to warn you that i will be writing again and i know you do not like them because they expose the truth I have often wondered why you were such an avoidant and never reached out even though i was 20 miles away. kinda ruins the narrative. strainger have a nice life you will never see this guy again

You were my heart!!! You were all i wanted, all I needed, all I cared about, all I loved!!! But you ended it, not like you loved me ended it, like you hated me ended it, You twisted it in your selfish ways and slept with another and flaunted it in my face. You brought him to our bed and used it to kill me, Not quickly but slowly , You took all that i was ,all that I felt and burned it under me and roasted me until what I was couldn't be recognized and you left (SILENCE) ................................................... I rose from the ashes like the phoenix and what you tried to destroy came back stronger, better, brighter than ever and now i pity you! What you did has a price and I see that you haven't paid and I am grateful I will not see what it will cost you if the universe needs balance it's going to cost you everything!!! and I find no joy in that, I still care about you God knows why I sure as hell don't, but I do Love you 🐦‍🔥