Am I Doomed?
Ever since I became pregnant, my husband has repeatedly pushed the idea of us moving closer to his mother. First, he suggested moving to MIL’s town in another country. Then he suggested moving to Spain, where his mother would also move. Later, MIL wanted to come stay with us for a month after the baby was born to help. I repeatedly thanked her for the offer but told her I thought I would be okay without that arrangement.
When MIL eventually visited, she was extremely pushy and disrespectful of my boundaries. She could clearly see that she was stressing me out, but she continued to overstay her welcome. Meanwhile, my husband was lying to me and doing things behind my back to extend her visit.
Even after I had what felt like a mental breakdown from the stress, and after I thought my husband and I had agreed that she would go home after 10 days, he told me he was looking for an apartment so she could stay nearby for a month. At that point, I felt completely ignored and walked all over. I finally told him that the situation was becoming creepy and that if I saw her again, I would call the police.
After that, my husband spent the next month punishing me. He was passive-aggressive and would not let me go to my sister’s house for Thanksgiving. Then, on Christmas Eve, MIL sent me a passive-aggressive text message. When I told my husband about it, he responded by saying that he “knew I was going to ruin Christmas.”
I should also mention that shortly after MIL left, she changed her WhatsApp profile picture to a picture of two teddy bears that she named after her two adult sons. I found that odd.
Not long afterward, my husband told me that it would be best if I went to visit my family because we “needed a break.” However, once I left, he accused me of putting baby in danger by driving with him. I was having panic attacks for much of that drive because I felt the same way and also traumatized by the way my husband had been attacking me over my resistance to his mother’s involvement. Just one example, he kept flipping my stocking over with my first initial.
When I arrived at my mother’s house, I was so stressed that I started taking medication. When I eventually returned home, my husband was behaving somewhat better, but we continued to have conflicts about his mother.
During one argument, he told me that it was MIL’s birthday and that she wanted to come visit. He said he would tell her that she “won’t ever see her grandson again.” I told him that wasn’t the issue. I said that he simply needed to learn how to set boundaries with her because I believed he was enmeshed with her.
About a week later, he informed me that his brother and mother would be arriving in our town the very next day. I told him I was appalled and that I would be taking baby to stay at my sister’s house until MIL left. He then told me the trip had been canceled. I do believe that he had told her she couldn’t come but she then used his brother to try and disrespect the boundary.
At first, I thought this was a sign of progress. However, shortly afterward, his best friend called me and told me that “moving his mother-in-law into his home was the best thing he ever did.” I was furious because it felt like my husband was recruiting people to triangulate me.
Eventually, my husband admitted that his mother had been manipulating him and that he was “the victim.” I viewed that as a positive step and thought he was beginning to recognize the problem.
However, the other day he sent me an article about people leaving the United States. I immediately became angry because I suspected the idea was coming from his mother. I asked him about the status of his passport, and he told me that his mother had obtained her citizenship and that he and his brother were close to getting theirs.
After thinking about it, I told him clearly that I would never move to Spain. I explained that I would be far away from my support system and that, if problems arose in the marriage, I could become trapped there with baby. I told him that if I left the country with baby without his permission, I could potentially be accused of international child abduction. I also told him that I knew his mother wanted to move there and was pushing this plan. I do not want to raise baby in Spain. I want him raised in the United States.
The next day, my husband became very passive-aggressive toward me. He attacked me for taking baby to visit my friend’s grandmother, who was on hospice care in her private home. I have known this woman for more than ten years. My husband said, “Why should baby be seeing your friend’s grandma? He should be seeing his own grandma.” He also acted as though baby should not be around someone receiving hospice care.
I explained that she was dying of old age in her private home and that the only reason baby was there was because I am his caretaker and he goes where I go.
After that argument, husband left. He has not returned since. He told me he feels “sick” and does not want to get baby sick.
I finally told him that I want a divorce if he does not make things right. It’s been two days and he has been gone with no resolution.