u/plumpcaterpillar

I feel like a mean and cruel person for always saying yes. I also don't want to seem like I'm playing the victim in this text because I LET many people abuse me and I don't care anymore. I basically do some sexual things for people twice my age online, and I'm not proud of it, and currently I'm a bit lazy to always meet his or their needs (I'm also not proud of this because sometimes I just want affection and to connect more with the person, I must be silly). I would never hurt them, even if I grow up someday, because I know it was my fault and I chose this... but recently there was someone I was talking to who scared me, not because he asked me to cut myself or said he wanted to rape me, but I don't know why it scared me... I don't know, I accepted that I would only be used and he made that clear, but he scares me sometimes because he doesn't show anything. I don't demand that from him because he has problems and I'm very needy, and I'm a virgin so I don't know how to react to his fantasies about sex with me and another girls and things like that... I just wanted affection, and I don't know why I'm afraid of him even though I've already been through this and had similar conversations with other people.

I don't want to seem like those girls who sabotage another man's life just because he did something I didn't like and because we have an age difference. I just want good things for him and to receive affection sometimes... I'll do anything for someone, even the most disgusting thing, if they show me affection, but I can't be ungrateful for the attention I receive because personally I'm too ugly for someone to love me or pay attention to me. Not even my father loved me when he was alive.

I don't find someone wanting to rape me disturbing, much less telling me to self-harm or being overly interested in sex. He's an adult and has his own life, and that's normal... but I don't know, I'm sorry for seeming like I expect too much from people. Nothing bad will happen to me personally because of the distance, even if I deserved and wanted attention (and he certainly won't receive anything bad because he doesn't deserve it, nobody deserves it)... maybe I'm just going through a sensitive period right now and I'm thinking silly things and wanting too much affection.

I hadn't hurt myself for a year and seven months, but I ended up doing it again with a less sharp pair of pliers than I usually use. I have a strong urge to do it again, and it's been a few months already. I don't think I'll ever stop hurting myself because of any inconvenience or fear I feel. I don't want to manipulate anyone, I swear...

I’ve had this habit since I was ten; I think I would have done worse things if I’d had internet access back then (I didn't, because I was a child and it wasn't common at that time). My mother used to say she should put me out in the sun with kerosene on my open wounds. I don't like what I do, I’ve been doing this to my legs over time, though some of the scars are fainter. I feel ashamed because, nowadays, I understand the feelings that drive me to do this, yet I don't want to get better... I just wish I could die or change who I am, be born again in a good body.

I’m afraid that one day I’ll end up hurting myself, because I hit my head a lot, either with punches or against the wall... I obviously do this when I’m alone, since it makes a lot of noise. I'm sorry if i sound and seem ridiculous.

I have the splint on for 16 days, since I dislocated my left knee. Since then, I haven't felt any pain. In the first few weeks, it was quite swollen, but it only hurt when bending it inside the splint or "contracting" the patella. It seemed very weak, unlike now. I must be recovering well because of the rest. My knee dislocated in something VERY stupid, which was when I took a very quick misstep. I think it happened because I slept very badly last night, but that doesn't matter. Currently, on day 16, I feel a great improvement; I can put my feet on the ground even with the splint and take small steps with my leg straight, but I'm feeling pain since one day I touched my knee a lot.

I feel embarrassed because I didn't feel that much pain while it was happening; obviously, it was very painful since it was a dislocated kneecap, and I did moan a lot, but that might be because they were helping hold my knee in place too... still, it’s a terrible muscle pain...

Are there ways to improve faster? I'm really afraid this will happen again, and I usually do very little exercise, just walks and going on a swing... I have some problems starting physiotherapy quickly because I'm younger than 18, and some people make my mother neglect it even though she works in that field. I'll probably start doing something at home because I know that tests will take longer because of this. I just wanted to get better quickly so I could do simple things fast without tiring people, and be able to go on the swings.

I deeply apologize if I said something stupid.

I found myself thinking about this when I saw that my account wasn't showing up...is it because the account is too new or something like that?

I just found myself thinking this when I logged into my account, I can't see it or change the name :(

From what I saw, it was normal for new accounts, but I'm not sure.

I long to wrap myself in your blue sheets, not to stain their delicate, fine fabric, not to mark their purity—only to rest against your warm chest, until my cheeks ache from the burning blush you would awaken.

My body is condemned, so lowly, so unsure. It is condemned-difficult to tend, to save, to cleanse, to love, to forgive.

It is worthy of pity, a mercy that would not be granted.

It is worthy of pity, a body so frail, so poorly mended, condemned to live in inferiority-something base, pleading in such desolation, in such displeasure with its weary flesh.

Still it begs for healing, for relief, for the simple normality of its own skin. Still it begs for indulgence, whether silently or aloud.

Why was there no mercy this time?

My feet ache, their circulation is cut off and swollen.

I've decided to hang from the rope of life, tied by my feet with an uncomfortable knot. I remain in this position, a position assigned to me.

My face feels so much pressure, my vision is distorted and desperate from the discomfort.

My body will be kept in a flowery and soft box, delicate and rotten.

It will rot, join together and assemble into one body.

It will be sealed, my foot still tied to the rope that has hung it for so long.

I noticed that most people were talking about dating and things like...female drama. Okay, but you're not a femcel if you've dated and have friends...you're a normal person who probably has a normal life because of your good looks. What irritates me are those misandrist opinions that are literally the same thing...are you all parrots or something? Lol

I could say I fit that terrible description since the only experiences I've had were ""abuse"", and I'm ugly in the face and the only "attractive" thing about me is that because of my butt and thighs, but with that I realized that it's MUCH more worthwhile to have an ugly body and a pretty face. Because of my face, I'll never experience things like dating or friendships with other girls :p

Those people who pretend to be different to be cool or to play the victim are always scared, disgusted, or make fun of someone who is genuinely different.