How do I navigate a toxic MIL long-term when going low-contact leaves my husband caught in the middle?
Problem/Goal:
I need perspective and advice on how to handle an increasingly hostile and disrespectful relationship with my mother-in-law. My boundary right now is strict low-contact for the sake of my mental peace, but because our social circles overlap, I want to know if maintaining this distance indefinitely is sustainable, and how to protect my marriage without letting her toxicity drive a wedge between my husband and me.
Context:
My husband and I have been married for over a year and were together for a decade before tying the knot. While things seemed civil on the surface when we were dating, subtle red flags were always present. She seemed resentful whenever her son spent money on me, constantly made passive-aggressive remarks about wanting him to work overseas, and turned him into the primary family breadwinner—even though my father-in-law is an active seaman and both in-laws are young and capable of working. Despite this, I went out of my way to be thoughtful, buying her genuine designer gifts for birthdays, Mother’s Day, and Christmas.
Things deteriorated rapidly once we got engaged and began planning our wedding:
She seemed bitter about the engagement—likely because her son stopped absorbing all her debts. She tried dictating our wedding budget to just 50k–100k, demanded we invite distant relatives and acquaintances who had no part in our journey, and threw a massive fit on the wedding day. In my bridal suite, she screamed at my 80k Hair and Makeup team (claiming she could do her own makeup) and yelled at my family's helper in front of my bridesmaids. During the parent speeches, instead of offering blessings, she publicly took petty jabs asking if I even knew how to do household chores, mortifying my family and our guests.
Recently, a mutual friend told me my MIL has been spreading rumors that I am "barren" (baog) and unable to give her son a child because of my pre-existing heart condition. While I underwent a successful heart procedure and my cardiologist has given me 100% medical clearance to conceive, weaponizing my medical history and claiming I cannot carry a child crossed an absolute line. My husband confronted her; she sent me an excuse-laden chat, which I chose to ignore because the disrespect had gone far beyond an apology.
She recently sent my husband a cropped, manipulated screenshot claiming I called her a diablo (devil)—a blatant fabrication that my husband immediately saw through. Whenever they are in our home (which was gifted to us by my family), she acts entitled, refusing even basic courtesy like helping clear the table, watching my mother and me do all the cleanup.
Previous Attempts:
I have completely cut off personal contact. I stopped sending her gifts, stopped greeting her on holidays/birthdays, and decline family gatherings where she is present. While my husband firmly defends me, recognizes her manipulation, and respects my need for boundaries, I know it silently weighs on him to see his wife and mother completely estranged.
Is maintaining strict estrangement/low-contact sustainable for the rest of our marriage, especially if we eventually have children? For those with chronically narcissistic or hostile in-laws, how do you manage family obligations without sacrificing your self-respect and peace of mind?